Yes, we're panning for gold at Gold Dredge 8 just outside Fairbanks, and Yours Truly -- of course -- is doing it all wrong. They keep on coming over to show me how to shake the pan once I've got water in it. It seems I'm using a self-pleasuring motion instead of a full-blooded hearty to-and-fro swing.
I'm not separating the useless dross from the precious dust properly, I'm not rubbing the pebbles properly before discarding them, I'm not doing anything properly.
Tourist gold panning in Fairbanks
At my side Rivka, of course, is having the time of her life, shaking the pan just as it should be with a gold-digger's gleam in her eye.
I give up in disgust, bequeath her my pan which she avidly accepts, and trot off to pan for raisins in the free cookies by the tea and coffee table.
Rivka looking very pleased with my gold pan as well
Now the thing about Gold Dredge 8, an industrialized gold operation that flourished between 1928 and 1959, is that you are guaranteed to strike pay dirt. "Strike it rich -- Guaranteed!" the tourist promotion screams. "You will find gold -- we guarantee it!"
Of course they do. They give you little sacks of dirt, in which they've put little specks of the yellow stuff, sit you down, whole hordes of tourists, on benches in long lines before pans and extended channels of water, and everybody joins in the mass jerk-off - except of course Yours Truly who's merrily jerking raisins to a different tune.
Gold Dredge 8
When you've finished they help you take the few specks of gold at the bottom of the pan, weigh it and tell you how much it's worth. Rivka, who has covetously succeeded in extracting my nuggets (take that whichever way you will), has amassed a combined fortune of $12.
Now here's where the fool's part comes in. You segue into the ultra-large gift shop, more like a mall really, where they now present you with tiny glass containers bordered either in golden metal or real gold to be used as either earrings or for necklaces. These they sell at anything ranging from $20 to $110 and more.
The gift shop
You, of course, or rather Rivka and nearly everybody else, are so elated by finding pay dirt in "them thar hills," that you readily fork out the required ransom, bestowing on them up to 1,000 percent return on their initial investment of those few specks they put in your little sack to begin with.
Rivka's just forked out $50 for her gold dust in a necklace for our granddaughter.
Another gift shop section
And another
Yet, despite all the phoniness and continual hard sell, there's also much to be learned and be interested in. In its heyday, Gold Dredge 8 extracted millions of ounces of ore from the permafrost, and today it's a National Historic District celebrating the Fairbanks gold rush, with a dash of kitschy local reenactment.
Aaarhhh, I be a gold prospector
So be I
They've reconstructed the operation's narrow-gauge Tanana Railroad to take you past the industrial dredge which separated the ore from the rocks, sluiced by water brought in by gravity along the 90-mile-long man-made Davidson Ditch.
The reconstructed railway
And don't forget the sing-along
An additional attraction is the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, the 800-mile 48-inch-diameter conduit of black gold from the North Slope at Prudhoe Bay across permafrost, tundra and boreal forest to Valdez, the northernmost ice-free port in the Western Hemisphere. This just happens to pass right by Gold Dredge 8. It emerges from the ground with an urgent plea: "PLEASE don't climb on the pipeline."
Trans-Alaska pipeline
Another view
Close-up
Its journey
Another hard sell is a little trip on the Chena River aboard Discovery III, a five-deck mock paddle-steamer sternwheeler, on which you pass by sled dogs hauling a tractor at quite a pace, enclosed reindeer, and a mock Athabaskan village. Rivka, of course, has already loaded up in the ultra-large gift shop, more like a mall really, at the embarkation dock.
Discovery III
The stern wheel
In fact she's left her purse and credit cards behind, totally unawares. Fortunately, the cashier is an honest type and he's just run out to return it to her. Oh Gawd! Now she buys a small tin of Alaskan smoked king salmon on board Discovery III for $12.50.
Yet more souvenir shops
But the scenery on the river is delightful, likewise the dogs -- and the Athabaskan village is an impressive exhibition of the indigenous people's endeavors to preserve their culture, heritage and language, as well as an impressive demonstration of how they lived in this harsh environment ever since they arrived 10,000 years ago.
Athabaskan village
Parka
Village reindeer (domesticated caribou)
Animal skin shack
Back on the river bank at Pike's Landing eatery you can play "Pike's Landing Love Alaska Hole in 1!" This involves hitting a golf ball from a wire tee box cage on one side of the Chena River to a red flag on the other. You get a bucket of balls, 10 for $10.
Golf drive across the river
Close-up
You might face an ambulance-chasing lawsuit if you're not careful, though. "Be aware of boaters and river activity," a board blares. "They have the right of way."
You have been warned
Perhaps the hardest sell of all, though, is our "adventure specialist," who has often been helpful but who time and again advises us that the appropriate tip for him and the driver is $5 for each of them from each of us for each of the four days since we left Seward -- for which he graciously gives us envelopes. And here there's no redeeming feature to the hokeyness.
Chena River scene with sternwheeler
A house by the river
Looking back towards Fairbanks
The river
About 55 miles northeast of Fairbanks a series of domed, spruce-cloaked hills surround a verdant bowl blessed with acid reflux bubbling up from Mother Earth's spastic intestines. Gold miners sought relief from these mineral-rich waters for the aches and pains of their hard labour 100 years ago.
Today there's a gift shop (of course Rivka's over the moon) but much more. Unattractive two-storey cabins dot the would-be pleasant grounds like acne, a long carbuncle of a bathhouse protrudes into the waters, a great ulcer of a pool has been artificially constrained by rocks, and a diseased iron urethra spouts the beneficial waters into it. Welcome to Chena Hot Springs.
Chena hot springs
Another view
A hunchback-domed ice museum provides a hump to further mar Nature, a wooden hut opposite the waters screams "GOLD PANNING," and large iron pipes protrude from the ground like guinea worms extruded from the limbs of Mother Earth.
Hot springs plumbing?
More piping
Speaks for itself
OK, the University of Alaska Fairbanks may be partnering an experiment in the greenhouse production of vegetables here, and they may be using the geothermal heat instead of diesel for power, but America really must do better to protect its beauty.
Then again, look at Niagara Falls and the rash of Coney Island-like development that has poxed its environs for decades.
But the natural flowers along the highways and byways of Fairbanks in late May are indeed lovely, so lovely in fact that one gent - and it's not me - even as we speak is using it as a bower to sleep off a healthy drinking session.
Fairbanks' spring flowers
[Upcoming blog on Thursday: Moving on to Alaska's Arctic Far North]
Oops
And oopsier
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By the same author: Bussing The Amazon: On The Road With The Accidental Journalist, available with free excerpts on Kindle and in print version on Amazon.