With those bizarre wonder-drug ads in magazines and on TV, I thought this little satire might provide some needed relief.
Are You Suffering?
When you look in the mirror, do you only see a frown? Does life seem grim, empty and meaningless? Have you been asking yourself: What happened to that old energy, that zest for life? Can I ever get it back?
Yes, you can!
Now you can leave all that doubt, worry and discomfort behind. Now you can just be you again.
Because now there is... SMILIZENE.
Do you have a throbbing or aching sensation in your limbs and extremities; frequent or painful urination; asthma, chest pains, rapid or slow hearbeat; inability to concentrate or follow simple directions; insomnia; recurrent nightmares; sudden attacks of anxiety or depression; an increasing sense of isolation, unreasonable suspicions of loved ones or total strangers; distorted or suicidal thinking, and an overall sense of unease about your life, accompanied by mild dyspepsia?
SMILIZENE may be for you.
Studies conducted by some doctors, scientists and other health care professionals have shown that SMILIZENE, when used as prescribed, may, in some cases, provide partial or occasional relief of some, or any of the above symptoms.
SMILIZENE (smilotoxin bisulfinate) is available in tablets, gel caps, powder, liquid, chewable wafers, underarm gel, nasal inhalant or single-dose, personal syringes.
*SMILIZENE is not for everyone:
If you are allergic to dogs, cats, horses, trees, grass, weeds, or other pollens, household dust, paint fumes, perfume, soap, deodorants, shampoo, detergents, fabric softeners, floor wax or other household cleaning products, please consult with your doctor before taking SMILIZENE.
If you notice that your earlobes swell, become distended or turn bright red, please notify your doctor. If you develop nosebleeds when driving, watching television, or using a mobile device, call your doctor.
You may experience a sudden decrease in blood pressure when standing or a sudden increase in blood pressure when sitting. Please check with your doctor if you are planning any changes to your usual standing or sitting routine.
If you have an erection lasting longer than two months, your doctor will want to know.
Any incidence of sudden and uncontrollable itching, hives, sneezing, blinking, muscle spasms, or spreading, crusted, patchy areas on your upper or lower torso -- accompanied by loud and violent cursing -- should be immediately reported to your doctor.
There have been reported cases of sleep disturbance when using SMILIZENE. Your doctor should know if you experience difficulty falling asleep or waking up.
If you are unable to fall sleep for two or more weeks, or you are unable to wake up, please call your doctor.
Notify your doctor if you experience an intense burning sensation in your buttocks, anal or genital regions.
Please check with your doctor if you have contact lenses, dentures or artificial limbs, or if you have had knee, hip, heart, kidney or liver replacements.
There have been cases of catastrophic organ rejection when taking SMILIZENE. If you feel that one of your major organs is being rejected please check with your doctor.
There have been reports, especially in the early, middle, and occasionally late stages of SMILIZENE therapy, of profuse sweating -- sometimes accompanied by a pungent or acrid odor.
Advise your doctor if your diet includes citrus, dairy, shellfish, wheat, egg, meat, corn, soy, legume, potato, cereal, chocolate or nut products; also if you use products containing salt, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, food thickener, artificial or natural coloring or preservatives.'
There may be severe or potentially dangerous reactions if these foods, or traces of these foods, are consumed while taking SMILIZENE.
SMILIZENE may cause blurry or double vision or an inability to read small print. If you develop an inability to open or close your eyes, please tell your doctor.
There is a possibility of serious adverse reaction to wool, cotton, silk, leather or synthetic fabrics. Check with your doctor if you are wearing, or have worn these fabrics any time during the last six months.
Also, please tell your doctor if you are pregnant, think you may be pregnant, are planning on becoming pregnant or have been pregnant within the last four years.
Speak with your doctor if you are taking diuretics, alpha-blockers, beta-blockers, anti-inflammatories, anticoagulants, sedatives, anticonvulsants, antidepressants, antipsychotics, antibiotics, analgesics, antihistamines or antacids; there have been fatal events associated with combining these medicines and SMILIZENE. If you suspect you are having a fatal event, you should call your doctor. Your dose may have to be adjusted.
In some cases, especially with adolescents, the elderly, women approaching or experiencing menopause, and men between the ages of 18 and 54, SMILIZENE has caused rapid mood swings, auditory and visual hallucinations, sudden and extreme involuntary movements of the limbs, often accompanied by homicidal or suicidal urges.
So, what are you waiting for!? Don't sit under a cloud while everyone else is strolling in the sunshine. Call your doctor, ask about SMILIZENE... and put that buzz back in your life!
SMILIZENE: When you decide that feeling bad isn't good enough.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more