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Why Does The Constitution Hate America?

08/11/2010 05:41 pm 17:41:04 | Updated May 25, 2011

America, I am madder than a Tea Party patriot with a gravy stain on his flag shirt. Lately, I've heard so much about The Constitution that I decided to give it a read and what I have to report will not make you happy. It is abundantly clear to me that The Constitution hates America.

One only has to read the first sentence of this liberal manifesto to get your blood boiling. Not only does it mention the communist goal of forming "more perfect Union(s)", it also reveals its nefarious intentions by admitting to "promote the general Welfare." I'm beginning to wonder if our Founding Fathers were on the side of the terrorists. If they loved America, there would be no mention of "welfare": and instead The Constitution would "promote getting off your ass and getting a damn job"!

As if that's not enough, after The Constitution was completed, some numb-nuts had the bright idea to tack on a bunch of amendments that might as well have been written by Osama Bin Laden himself.

The First Amendment guarantees Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Religion. Well, how are those working out for us? Just fine if you're a liberal or a terrorist, but what about Americans? You want to see so-called Freedom of Speech in action? Check this out: A woman who lives suspiciously close to communist Russia hiding behind Freedom of Speech to humiliate an American hero patriotically filming her reality tv show.

The First Amendment (or, as I call it, the "Fist Amendment" because it socks America right in the nads) also refers to Freedom of Religion -- a ridiculous concept that seeks to make silly voodoo beliefs the same as the one true religion of Jesus Christ. Folks, Christians don't need Freedom of Religion because history shows that any time someone tries to mess with us, we cap a genocide on their ass. No, Freedom of Religion should be called what it is: We hate the Baby Jesus. Freedom of Religion is used to keep children from praying in their Godless public schools and allowing Muslims to build their mosques on our most hallowed and sacred ground -- an abandoned Burlington Coat Factory.

Now, the Second Amendment is one we all know and has spawned some of the nicest t-shirts in my closet, but unless you've read The Constitution recently, you might not have noticed that someone (I'm guessing Obama) went and added some un-American words to it. We all learned in bible/gun camp that the Second Amendment, as originally written, says: "The right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." If you need proof, I can show you my t-shirts. But read The Constitution today and you'll see that some asshole has added "A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state..." to the front of it. Every American with the basic intelligence to know where to find Fox News on the cable remote knows that there is nothing more anti-American than "regulation."

Let's skip ahead because my typing fingers are getting sore and I've volunteered to help paint "Puck Felosi" signs at the church. (Hint: If you rearrange the first letter of each word, you'll get a secret message.)

Now, when it comes to un-American amendments, the Fourteenth is a doozy. It says -- get this -- that anyone born in the United States is an American. On what planet does that make sense? Who actually thinks that being born someplace makes you part of that place? I was born in my mother's bed, but that doesn't make me a Sealy Posturepedic. If The Constitution was pro-America, it would clearly state that the way we decide who is and isn't an American is by a vote of the people. Let's just get a list of all the babies born and we can all vote on who stays and who goes. If it's good enough for American Idol, it's certainly good enough for America.

The Sixteenth Amendment says Congress can take our money through income taxes. Talk about hating America! We are a self-sufficient people, we should be allowed to choose which parts of America we want to pay for. For instance, I'd gladly chip in a few bucks for the Marines and the Army (not the Navy, they're homos) and maybe a hundred dollars for the Border Patrol. But the rest of it, if I don't use it, why should I pay for it? What has the space program or the Centers for Disease Control ever done for me? Now, I know the liberals will start whining, "What about the poor people? What about the school children?" First off, school is over-rated. And second, there's no reason to worry about poor people. If you don't have to pay taxes, you can use that money to buy more guns and protect yourself from them.

Time out.

I just read the Eighteenth Amendment and I am so angry I spilled my Crown Royal. Alcohol is illegal? That's the most anti-American thing I've ever heard of. Never mind the Tea Party, we need to start the Whiskey Party! How in the hell am I supposed to make it all the way through an entire ballot on Election Day if I don't have half a heat on? That's it. I'm getting my guns. This Constitution is going down.

Never mind. I just read the 21st Amendment. My bad.

Perhaps the most troubling aspect of The Constitution is what's NOT in it. Sure, it spends lots of time talking about taxes and women and race, but curiously, the most sacred part of American life -- marriage between a man and a woman -- isn't even mentioned. I have to say, it's one thing to hate America, but to hate marriage, well that's just gay. Seriously, what would America be if the Founding Fathers didn't marry Founding Mothers and have Founding Children? What if, instead, they all just decided to wear lace and meet in rooms with no women?

So, thank God we have patriots like Senator Kyl and Senator Graham and the American hero in Arizona who wrote the law about kicking out brown people. It is time Americans focus our glorious hate on the real enemy of America: The United States Constitution!