During a session I had with my new coach last week it became clear to me that I've been addicted to struggle for much of my life. While I wasn't super excited to admit this, it has actually been quite liberating to address my struggle addiction directly and to see how it impacts just about every aspect of my life and work. How about you? Are you addicted to (or at least very familiar with) struggling in your own life?
As I've thought about it more over this past week, I realize that I have some real resistance to allowing things to come easy, and that my attachment to struggling runs deep within me (as it does for so many people I know and work with). Here are some of the main "reasons" I've used and beliefs I've held for many years to justify my own struggling:
Can you relate to any of these? Maybe you have others as well.
Getting in touch with some of these reasons and beliefs has been both painful and eyeopening at the same time. As I think, talk, and write about them, I realize how ridiculous some of them are and how much of my life's energy I've been giving away to them in the process.
It's almost like I'm walking around worried that someone's going to say to me, "Mike, you have it so easy," and I'm preparing my defensive responses: "Oh yeah, well let me tell you how hard I work, how challenging things have been for me, and how much stuff I've had to overcome along the way." What's up with this? It's like I'm preparing for a fight that doesn't even exist. Do you ever do that?
While working hard, overcoming challenges and adversity, and being passionately committed to important and complex things in our lives aren't inherently bad, resisting ease and being attached to struggle causes me and so many of us a great deal of stress, worry, and pain. And in many cases this difficulty is totally self-induced and unnecessary.
What if we allowed things to be easier? What if we started to speak about and own the aspects of our lives that are actually easy to us and started to expect things to get even easier? What if we let go of our attachment (or addiction, as it were) to struggle? Easy doesn't mean lazy -- that we aren't willing to work in a passionate way, or that we expect a "free ride." It means that we're willing to have things work out, trust that all is well, and allow life to flow in a positive and elegant way for us.
Our desire and ability to embrace ease in our life isn't selfish, arrogant, or unrealistic -- it's profoundly optimistic (in an authentic way) and can actually enhance our ability to impact others. The more energy and attention we place on surviving, getting by, or even "striving" for success, the less available we are to give, serve, and make a difference for other people. Although it may seem counterintuitive to us, letting go of our addiction to struggle is one of the best ways we can show up for those around us -- both by our example and with our freed up positive energy.
My coach suggested that I start wearing a "struggle patch," like a nicotine patch that people wear in their process of breaking an addiction to smoking. While at first it seemed a little ridiculous, I actually took her up on the suggestion and put on a band aid as a representation of my "struggle patch." I'm allowing the band aid to represent my own commitment to break this addiction, and it actually has been altering my perception of myself and my life. Feel free to use this technique yourself!
As Richard Bach famously stated, "Argue for your limitations and they're yours." What if we stopped arguing on behalf of how "hard" things are and started to allow our life to be filled with more peace and ease, instead of perpetuating the struggle? While the idea of things authentically being easy may not be, ironically, the easiest thing for you to embrace, I challenge you (as I challenge myself) to take this on in your life and become more comfortable with it. Maybe it will actually be easier than you think!
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Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info -- www.Mike-Robbins.com
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Addiction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Addiction Causes, Symptoms, Treatment on eMedicineHealth.com
I'd go as far as tying this to the heart & soul of most rank and file conservatives because the entire propaganda machine of the right is set up to play the hard working worker bees against the so called losers who are disproportionately the poor or working class.
You've heard the terms... hard working Americans, patriotic Americans, welfare queens, government entitlements, etc. The right has all these buzzwords that get into your subconscious mind so that you reject wanting an easier life, free of struggle & economic insecurity. This is directly connected to how they get poor people to vote against their own best interests... because if you just work hard & struggle with 2 jobs till your 70 then you'll never need government help!!!
It's how the right has managed to get away with poor people feeling guilty for asking for a bigger piece of the pie in the RICHEST NATION ON EARTH.
Truth is we could all be working 20 hrs a week max with higher salaries then we get now working 40 hours if the population took a look at the real data regarding income inequality & had the spiritual maturity to demand fairness instead of romanticizing hard work which is a man made concept to keep us as slaves instead of truly being free and living out lives as we want to without fear of starvation or homelessness. There should be no shame in wanting an easy happy life.
Of course, as I tell people "There are those who are always kind, considerate, sweet and almost angelic in their actions and words. Then there are those who seem to be put on this earth to agitate, irritate and aggravate in order to make things better or at least give options. Three guesses as to which personality type I resemble."
There are also people who were victimized in childhood, and made to feel they did'nt "deserve" happiness, and they get stuck in that pattern as adults. They always are the victim, and frequently are wringing their hands "poor me" "I can't catch a break" "my boyfriends always treat me mean" etc.
Then some people are just plain addicted to "drama". When their life is cruising along great, they will actually do something to sabotage it. They constantly create one "crisis" after another, and no matter what these people are never happy. I had a friend like that once. I could take her to a a great restaurant and it could have excellent food, service, atmosphere...the works. But she would obsess about how the waiter was rude (they weren't) or the bread was stale (it wasn't), etc. She picked and picked &would spoil it. I finally gave up on her. Haven't regretted it once ;o). Life is way too short.
Sorry I ran on, but until now, I didn't think about somebody being addicted to struggle and failure. It's crazy.
Should've taken it easy and went with the flow. Would've ended up in the same place, but had a lot more fun.
The word "struggle" actually sounds negative. Maybe that's a clue.
You have your eyes open know, and you're still breathing. So there is no time like the present to change and do what YOU want. Do what makes YOU happy, not everybody else. It's hard if your wife and kids are spoiled by you busting your hump to give themall the "stuff" they wanted. They might complain a bit. But you will be teaching them "stuff" isn't the important thing in life. Living is. I found out a looooooooong time a go (about 40 years ago when I was 23) that the more you "own".....the more IT owns YOU. The more "stuff" you have, the less you are free. You have to work hard to get it, to pay for it, to clean it, take care of it, fix it........and your life becomes a slave to your possessions. Best rule to follow? Live light, live happier, live freer, and live longer.
where there is no problem. Feeling that, if accomplishment comes to
easy, then something is not right or perhaps something is overlooked.
It is a gnawing feeling, just like pain..People like this are awfully hard
to be around, always feeling like they must fix things and that nothing
is good enough. Hyper souls who do not and can not relax, not realizing
they need to let go and move along..Like a vice grip on every situation.
It is sad, not a happy life because fulfillment never comes.
I think those couple quizzes in magazines are funny !
Sometimes a young couple does not know they
are having trouble in their relationship until they
take the quiz..LOL
I made the pivot one night when I asked myself 'can I be happy if my life doesn't go like I think it should?' I didn't know how to answer at first, because I so wanted to be 'somebody important'.
I told myself "yes," the pressure came off, I worked to make it true. Lots of good things have happened since. I'm even in a hot romance. I'd get out of dying if I could.