I had a painful, but poignant phone conversation earlier this week with my wife Michelle. She shared some challenges with me in a vulnerable and passionate way. As I started to give her some of my "helpful advice" (as I often do -- being a man, as well as an author, speaker and coach, I'm fairly well trained at giving advice), she stopped me and said, "Can't you just give me empathy for me? That's what I really need right now. Once I feel your empathy, I can hear your feedback."
Her comment stopped me in my tracks. I got defensive and began to justify myself -- arguing that I did, indeed, have a lot of empathy and that she should be more open to my feedback. Needless to say, my defensiveness (and subsequent arrogance and self righteousness) didn't help things, and the conversation got worse before it got better, which it eventually did.
Michelle's feedback, however, registered with me at a very deep level. Although I "understand" the importance of empathy, teach it to others through my work, and have the capacity to experience and express a great deal of empathy with people around me, it's sometimes difficult for me to have empathy for the people closest to me, including myself, especially recently. Maybe you can relate?
Empathy can be tricky, particularly when we have an emotional connection (or attachment) to the people or situation involved (which we almost always do). It's also challenging to feel empathy when we feel threatened, stressed, or emotionally triggered (all of which we can experience a lot, especially with those who mean the most to us). And, empathy is sometimes misunderstood.
Empathy is NOT:
The problem is that we often allow our egos, opinions and judgments to get in the way of our ability to experience and express empathy. If I agree with someone completely, can totally relate to them, and see things exactly as they do, it's quite easy for me to empathize with them.
However, if I don't agree, can't relate, have a very different take on the situation or actually think how they're reacting to things is potentially harmful for them and others, it's often very hard for me to be empathetic toward them and I also worry that my expression of empathy could come across as agreement or endorsement.
While it can be challenging, the power of empathy is essential to the health and success of our relationships and lives. It is a key element to our own emotional intelligence and well being. With the people closest to us, including ourselves, and the issues that mean the most to us, empathy is even more critical, but often more difficult for us to experience and express.
Here are a few things to remember and practice to enhance your capacity for empathy:
1) Ask yourself where empathy is missing. Take inventory of your life and relationships and notice where empathy may be wanted, needed, or simply missing. As you identify situations, relationships and personal matters that could use an increased amount of empathy, make a commitment to yourself to bring less judgment and more compassion to them.
2) Reach out to people in your life. As you identify specific situations and relationships where you could bring more empathy, reach out to the people involved and let them know. There may be an apology to give, an acknowledgement to make, or simply an admission that you want to bring more empathy and compassion (and less judgment, advice, self righteousness, etc) to your relationship. Start working to do that with the most important people in your life.
3) Ask how people are feeling and really listen to what they say. One of the best ways we can express empathy towards others is through our curiosity and listening. When people feel heard, seen, and emotionally understood, they often relax, open up, and feel supported. Asking people how they truly feel, what's really going on in their world, AND listening to how they respond (without judgment) are some of the best things we can do to express our empathy for the people around us.
All of these things also hold true with regard to having empathy and compassion for ourselves, which is essential in this process. Like most things in life, we can't give away what we don't already have ourselves. Self empathy is the foundation.
Everyone on the planet, including us, is almost always doing the very best they can in each moment. We're all just dealing with the joy, pain, growth, challenge, and more of being human. Remembering this allows us to cut ourselves and others some loving slack, and engage in life, in our relationships, and with ourselves with a deep sense of respect, reverence, and, ultimately, empathy.
Mike Robbins is a sought-after motivational keynote speaker, coach, and the bestselling author of Focus on the Good Stuff (Wiley) and Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken (Wiley). More info - www.Mike-Robbins.com
Follow Mike Robbins on Twitter: www.twitter.com/mikedrobbins
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I can't specifically relate to your situation, but having gone through my mom's breat cancer and then her lung cancer and ultimately her death a few months back, I have some sense of this phenomenon, at least from someone close to the person with the disease and in treatment. Sadly I think it often has to do with our fear of illness, cancer, and death that has people not ask you how you are doing - not wanting to deal with the scary reality of life in a body and of what you are going through.
It makes me feel sad to think that people ignore you, don't ask, or don't seem to care.
I'm sending you good vibes and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you walk down this path.
Blessings,
Mike
Most people lack this ability I've learned and I've long since stopped trying to explain to people that yes, I do know how they feel, I do understand their pain and there is no trauma that they could have possibly experienced that I cannot empathize with. I can feel it all, no matter how terrible.
I wouldn't wish this on anybody.
Listening on the other hand, can be difficult. We don't always let others tell or finish their stories. We don't always acknowledge the emotions. Sometimes we jump in with solutions, which makes people feel they haven't tried hard enough to solve their problems. Sometimes we share our stories, which prevents others from telling theirs.
Imagine watching a movie with someone. You don't laugh even though it's a comedy. You're not frightened even though it's a horror movie. And then you tell your friend what the characters should do to fix the problem. Or you talk about how something similar happened to you. Or you get defensive about how supportive you are or how well you listen. All these things prevent your friend from getting into the movie. As listeners, we have to first acknowledge the emotional content we hear, and allow the other person to tell their story.
empathy is not sympathy, it is a higher level of consciousness.
sympathy is "I feel for you" which can be dangeous to ones mental health.
empathy is "I know how you feel" suggesting you have felt that way before which is impossible to know how another feels. ie most of the time.
this is not a put down of sympathy or empathy. they are both needed as we travel through this evolutionary process. ie evolution of consciousness process.
now compassion: compassion is understanding. it is spiritual knowledge of the evolution of consciousness process. it is able to see the underlying reality of the suffering, which sympathy and empathy does not.
sympathy and empathy judge by appearances. compassion sees the underlying reality of appearances.
compassion is rare, very very very rare. I have experienced it once in an OBE during a life review and it is wonderful beyond belief.
I do not pretend to be able to show compassion, still working on the empathy process. :-)
hey they could have been your relatives in this life then you would have had to deal with them often. :-)
just think they are somebody's relatives have compassion for those folks.
those two have much to learn about themselves. much.
such experiences have much to teach us about ourselves. last week someone tried to run me off the road as they felt I pulled out in front of them. my response: not so good. still working on such experiences. work in process thing. :-)