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'Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters' & 'Movie 43': A Liveblog

01/28/2013 05:39 pm ET | Updated Mar 30, 2013

hansel and gretel

I've always loved Hansel and Gretel, so, having been prevented by my obligations at Sundance from seeing the new film Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters ... OK, you know what? I can't do this. I can't fake my way through this introduction. I barely remember Hansel and Gretel. What happened was, my editor thought it would be a "good idea" if I wrote about a few movies that are "actually playing in theaters" instead of all those "fancy-pants Sundance movies nobody will ever see anyway." So, yes, I spent my Monday afternoon watching back-to-back showings of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and Movie 43. I suppose you could call it my welcome back to reality. Here's my diary of what happened:

10:20 a.m.Walking up to the box office and asking for "one ticket to Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and one ticket to Movie 43" is what I imagine it's like requesting a double-billing of Caligula and Jury Duty.

10:22 a.m. My company credit card was declined. My only guess is that there's an automatic-reject notification for movies that have been delayed for more than a year.

10:31 a.m. There are six other people at my showing of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. I should note, I am in Midtown Manhattan, which is one of the most populated places in the world.

10:34 a.m. A trailer for Top Gun 3D is playing. Which is weird because the trailer is not in 3D. So, basically, I'm just watching clips for a movie that I've already seen 20 times.

10:36 a.m. The very next trailer is for the new Tom Cruise movie, Oblivion. If I were an alien visiting Earth and knew only that Top Gun and Oblivion were made 27 years apart, judging from Cruise's appearance, I would conclude that the average human life span is approximately 250 years.

10:45 a.m. And here's a trailer for Jurassic Park 3D, also shown in 2D.

10:55 a.m. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters starts with a young Hansel and a young Gretel, who are supposed to be about the same age, even though Jeremy Renner is 15 years older than Gemma Arterton. I will chalk up the obvious age discrepancy to the hard life of witch-hunting.

11:01 a.m. We see the infamous candy house for the first time, which looks disgusting. There is no part of me that finds this house the least bit appetizing.

11:05 a.m. I respect Jeremy Renner for not even attempting any sort of "old-timey" voice. He is speaking in the same voice he'd use to order a Whopper.

11:07 a.m. A man captured by the witch has a message for the village, and it appears that he may vomit up the message. Please don't vomit. Please don't vomit. Please don't vomit.

11:08 a.m. Oh, good, he just exploded instead.

11:12 a.m. So, Hansel has diabetes because of all of the candy the witch made him eat as a child. He even has to take insulin shots. This plot point alone may make this the greatest movie of all time.

11:20 a.m. Jeremy Renner is the only person who knows that he's in a bad movie and, because of this, he might single-handedly be saving it.

11:22 a.m. I've changed my mind: no one can save this movie.

11:30 a.m. The line "The blood of the 12 moons will soon be complete" was just spoken.

11:35 a.m. One thing I've learned so far from Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters: witches say the word "shit" a lot.

11:37 a.m. Gretel just said, "This isn't the life we chose." Yeah ... me, neither.

11:45 a.m. Gretel just bit off a man's nose.

11:55 a.m. OK, a character just used a pistol that had multiple rounds. Seriously, what year is this movie set in?

12:02 p.m. Now there are machine guns. Either this is the worst movie of all time or this is my favorite movie of all time. I really can't decide.

12:12 p.m. I'll say this, whatever else that was, at least it was an incredibly brisk movie.

12:14 p.m. The Coke Zero I ordered has no carbonation. When I try to return it, the guy behind the counter tries to tell me that there's nothing wrong and that I just don't know what Coke Zero tastes like. I actually just caught myself saying, "Don't tell me that I don't know what Coke Zero tastes like." I may have officially just turned into my father -- the only difference being that we're talking about Coke Zero and not Marlboro Lights.

12:28 p.m. The man who tore my ticket for Movie 43 laughed and shook his head when he saw the title on the ticket.

12:29 p.m. There are four other people in this theater. Did I mention that we are in Midtown Manhattan?

12:30 p.m. There is a scrotum hanging from Hugh Jackman's neck.

12:36 p.m. Seriously, what is this movie?

12:49 p.m. There is a sketch built entirely upon the idea that Chris Pratt is going to poop on Anna Faris' head. I do not like this.

12:52 p.m. OK, I'm starting to get on board with this "all new movies should just be 3D versions of movies that we already like" strategy.

1:01 p.m. Everything about today has been a huge mistake.

1:09 p.m. Jason Sudeikis and Justin Long are playing Batman and Robin at a speed-dating event. Kristen Bell is playing Supergirl. John Hodgman plays The Penguin, which actually isn't terrible casting.

1:15 p.m. I actually just caught myself thinking, Wait, Supergirl wouldn't be hurt by a bomb before I remembered that I should probably hand in my resignation tomorrow.

1:25 p.m. Remember how Tobey Maguire sued to stop the distribution of a movie called Don's Plum? How is it possible that no one in this movie thought to do the same thing?

1:27 p.m. There's a reference to Howard the Duck -- a movie that I would much rather be watching right now.

1:31 p.m. Anyone who complains that SNL hasn't been funny since whatever year should be forced to sit down and watch Movie 43.

1:32 p.m. Good lord, Chloë Grace Moretz is in this movie.

1:33 p.m. Good lord, her sketch is about getting her period for the first time. There is blood on the wall. How is any of this happening?

1:36 p.m. Good lord, that was the segment directed by Elizabeth Banks.

1:38 p.m. There are now only two other people in this theater.

1:44 p.m. Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott are on screen together, which finally brings us that long-awaited The Dukes of Hazzard reunion.

1:45 p.m. I'm going to stop writing things down for a little while.

1:55 p.m. The movie is ending. On the screen in front of me there is an animated cat masturbating to a picture of Josh Duhamel.

1:56 p.m. I feel like Maya at the end of "Zero Dark Thirty." Just take me home.

Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

The All-Star Cast of "Movie 43"