I've always loved Hansel and Gretel, so, having been prevented by my obligations at Sundance from seeing the new film Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters ... OK, you know what? I can't do this. I can't fake my way through this introduction. I barely remember Hansel and Gretel. What happened was, my editor thought it would be a "good idea" if I wrote about a few movies that are "actually playing in theaters" instead of all those "fancy-pants Sundance movies nobody will ever see anyway." So, yes, I spent my Monday afternoon watching back-to-back showings of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and Movie 43. I suppose you could call it my welcome back to reality. Here's my diary of what happened:
10:20 a.m.Walking up to the box office and asking for "one ticket to Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and one ticket to Movie 43" is what I imagine it's like requesting a double-billing of Caligula and Jury Duty.
10:22 a.m. My company credit card was declined. My only guess is that there's an automatic-reject notification for movies that have been delayed for more than a year.
10:31 a.m. There are six other people at my showing of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. I should note, I am in Midtown Manhattan, which is one of the most populated places in the world.
10:34 a.m. A trailer for Top Gun 3D is playing. Which is weird because the trailer is not in 3D. So, basically, I'm just watching clips for a movie that I've already seen 20 times.
10:36 a.m. The very next trailer is for the new Tom Cruise movie, Oblivion. If I were an alien visiting Earth and knew only that Top Gun and Oblivion were made 27 years apart, judging from Cruise's appearance, I would conclude that the average human life span is approximately 250 years.
10:45 a.m. And here's a trailer for Jurassic Park 3D, also shown in 2D.
10:55 a.m. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters starts with a young Hansel and a young Gretel, who are supposed to be about the same age, even though Jeremy Renner is 15 years older than Gemma Arterton. I will chalk up the obvious age discrepancy to the hard life of witch-hunting.
11:01 a.m. We see the infamous candy house for the first time, which looks disgusting. There is no part of me that finds this house the least bit appetizing.
11:05 a.m. I respect Jeremy Renner for not even attempting any sort of "old-timey" voice. He is speaking in the same voice he'd use to order a Whopper.
11:07 a.m. A man captured by the witch has a message for the village, and it appears that he may vomit up the message. Please don't vomit. Please don't vomit. Please don't vomit.
11:08 a.m. Oh, good, he just exploded instead.
11:12 a.m. So, Hansel has diabetes because of all of the candy the witch made him eat as a child. He even has to take insulin shots. This plot point alone may make this the greatest movie of all time.
11:20 a.m. Jeremy Renner is the only person who knows that he's in a bad movie and, because of this, he might single-handedly be saving it.
11:22 a.m. I've changed my mind: no one can save this movie.
11:30 a.m. The line "The blood of the 12 moons will soon be complete" was just spoken.
11:35 a.m. One thing I've learned so far from Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters: witches say the word "shit" a lot.
11:37 a.m. Gretel just said, "This isn't the life we chose." Yeah ... me, neither.
11:45 a.m. Gretel just bit off a man's nose.
11:55 a.m. OK, a character just used a pistol that had multiple rounds. Seriously, what year is this movie set in?
12:02 p.m. Now there are machine guns. Either this is the worst movie of all time or this is my favorite movie of all time. I really can't decide.
12:12 p.m. I'll say this, whatever else that was, at least it was an incredibly brisk movie.
12:14 p.m. The Coke Zero I ordered has no carbonation. When I try to return it, the guy behind the counter tries to tell me that there's nothing wrong and that I just don't know what Coke Zero tastes like. I actually just caught myself saying, "Don't tell me that I don't know what Coke Zero tastes like." I may have officially just turned into my father -- the only difference being that we're talking about Coke Zero and not Marlboro Lights.
12:28 p.m. The man who tore my ticket for Movie 43 laughed and shook his head when he saw the title on the ticket.
12:29 p.m. There are four other people in this theater. Did I mention that we are in Midtown Manhattan?
12:30 p.m. There is a scrotum hanging from Hugh Jackman's neck.
12:36 p.m. Seriously, what is this movie?
12:49 p.m. There is a sketch built entirely upon the idea that Chris Pratt is going to poop on Anna Faris' head. I do not like this.
12:52 p.m. OK, I'm starting to get on board with this "all new movies should just be 3D versions of movies that we already like" strategy.
1:01 p.m. Everything about today has been a huge mistake.
1:09 p.m. Jason Sudeikis and Justin Long are playing Batman and Robin at a speed-dating event. Kristen Bell is playing Supergirl. John Hodgman plays The Penguin, which actually isn't terrible casting.
1:15 p.m. I actually just caught myself thinking, Wait, Supergirl wouldn't be hurt by a bomb before I remembered that I should probably hand in my resignation tomorrow.
1:25 p.m. Remember how Tobey Maguire sued to stop the distribution of a movie called Don's Plum? How is it possible that no one in this movie thought to do the same thing?
1:27 p.m. There's a reference to Howard the Duck -- a movie that I would much rather be watching right now.
1:31 p.m. Anyone who complains that SNL hasn't been funny since whatever year should be forced to sit down and watch Movie 43.
1:32 p.m. Good lord, Chloë Grace Moretz is in this movie.
1:33 p.m. Good lord, her sketch is about getting her period for the first time. There is blood on the wall. How is any of this happening?
1:36 p.m. Good lord, that was the segment directed by Elizabeth Banks.
1:38 p.m. There are now only two other people in this theater.
1:44 p.m. Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott are on screen together, which finally brings us that long-awaited The Dukes of Hazzard reunion.
1:45 p.m. I'm going to stop writing things down for a little while.
1:55 p.m. The movie is ending. On the screen in front of me there is an animated cat masturbating to a picture of Josh Duhamel.
1:56 p.m. I feel like Maya at the end of "Zero Dark Thirty." Just take me home.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
