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'Spring Breakers': Is It One Of The Most Fascinating 'Things' Ever Created? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

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SPRING BREAKERS REVIEW
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spring breakers review

Spring Breakers, one of the oddest things (not just movies, "things") that you will ever see with your own eyes, opens in limited release this weekend. On the surface, it's about four girls (played by Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine) who, while visiting Florida during Spring Break, meet a rapper/drug dealer named Alien (played by James Franco, of course). Here, we do our best to answer every question that you could possibly have about Spring Breakers.

Q: Is Spring Breakers a comedy?

A: Oh God, no.

Q: James Franco plays a rapper with cornrows named Alien. How does that not equal "wacky hijinks"?

A: The most jarring thing about Spring Breakers, at least initially, is just how serious it takes itself.

Q: How can a movie that features James Franco, sporting cornrows, performing Britney Spears' "Everytime" on a piano (a piano that's not indoors, I should add) be described as "taking itself seriously"?

A: I wish I could answer that with a better answer than, "I don't know."

Q: Who are the spring breakers?

A: The spring breakers are Candy (Vanessa Hudgens), Brit (Ashley Benson), Faith (Selena Gomez) and Cotty (Rachel Korine).

Q: How do we first learn of the girls' plan to attend spring break?

A: While in class, Brit draws a heart and writes inside of it, "I want penis."

Q: Is this the general sentiment of the entire group?

A: Well, it certainly is for Brit and Candy, who might as well be the same character (and perhaps that's the point). It certainly isn't for Faith (Gomez), who, even though she remains friends with the other three girls, is very religious.

Q: But, for the most part, before the girls get to Florida, they are upstanding citizens?

A: Considering the fact that they (sans Faith) rob a diner at gunpoint to finance their trip, no.

Q: Are there any repercussions for this robbery?

A: No.

Q: How do the girls meet Alien?

A: After the four girls reach Florida, they are (after many montages of "fun") arrested for being at a party that has mass amounts of illegal drugs, and they're given the choice of a fine or two days in jail. Alien pays their fines.

Q: Is there a catch?

A: It's not specifically stated, but the girls seem to spend a lot of time with Alien after his generosity.

Q: Is Alien dangerous?

A: Alien certainly lives a lifestyle that is dangerous. But, on a personal level, he seems nice.

Q: What is the best line that James Franco says during Spring Breakers?

A: Honestly, it's really hard to choose. But, "I'm fucking made of money, look at my teeth," is high up on the list.

Q: Will I like Spring Breakers?

A: Oh, boy ... maybe? What you probably don't realize about Spring Breakers (at least I didn't before seeing it) is the way the film is presented. It has a traditional narrative, I suppose, but it's presented in almost a series of montages and glimpses into these people's lives -- all the while accompanied by a soundtrack provided by Skrillex.

Q: What does that mean?

A: Put it this way: you're never going to complain about Spring Breakers being "too wordy." We're given the bare minimum when it comes to dialogue - enough to move the story along or to be considered cryptic or odd. And there's perhaps not one moment that resembles "a real human conversation" anywhere to be found.

Q: If I am looking forward to Spring Breakers as an "outrageous" comedy, will I hate Spring Breakers?

A: A lot.

Q: Does the Skrillex score ever stop?

A: No. Spring Breakers, in a way, is one long music video.

Q: Is Spring Breakers one of the most fascinating things that you've ever seen?

A: Yes.

Q: Does Spring Breakers work?

A: As a piece of performance art, yes -- it's unbelievably fascinating. It's also unbelievable that this movie actually exists.

Q: What scene from Spring Breakers should be included in every movie montage ever from this point forward?

A: James Franco jumping around on his bed screaming, "Look at my shit!"

Q: What's your favorite thing about Spring Breakers?

A: High on the list is the way Franco pronounces "shit," as in, "Look at my sheeaaat."

Q: Does Alien have a tattoo of the state of Florida on his arm?

A: Yes.

Q: Is Alien one of those people who uses the word "humble" in the wrong way? As in, something really good happens to him, so he then states that he's been "humbled"?

A: Yes.

Q: How over-the-top insane is Franco as Alien in Spring Breakers?

A: Perhaps the most surprising thing about Spring Breakers is just how seriously Franco takes his role as Alien. This certainly isn't Michael Shannon hamming it up as Detective Robert Monday in Premium Rush. There is no sense of Franco going for the, "look at me, I know I'm in a whack job of a movie, so I'm going to act craaaazzzzyyy." Franco, if anything, is understated in his performance.

Q: Are you sure you want to go with "understated" there? Shall I remind you of the Britney Spears scene and the fact that at one point Alien performs fellatio on the barrel of a loaded pistol?

A: My point is, compared to how Franco could have played the role, he's quite understated here.

Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for Spring Breakers what quote do you think will be used?

A: "As a rapper named Alien, who at one point performs fellatio on the barrel of a gun, James Franco gives an understated performance." -- Mike Ryan, Huffington Post

Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

This story appears in Issue 41 of our weekly iPad magazine, Huffington, in the iTunes App store, available Friday, March 22.

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