On June 29, a movie about a talking teddy bear, Ted, will be in theaters across North America. Ted stars Mark Wahlberg (The Big Hit) as a grown man who lives with Ted, a teddy bear brought to life by a magic wish. Will Ted make you laugh? Will Ted make you feel guilty for laughing? As a service, with an early review, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Ted.
Q: Who is Ted?
A: Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) is a teddy bear who comes to life.
Q: Who owns Ted?
A: On Christmas day in 1985 -- after a montage of other children receiving gifts such as Star Wars action figures and a Nintendo Entertainment System - an eight-year-old John Bennett (played as an adult by Wahlberg) receives a non-sentient Ted from his parents.
Q: Are Star Wars action figures or a Nintendo Entertainment System appropriate Christmas gifts for an eight-year-old in 1985?
A: OK, nerd warning in effect, here we go: As much as I love Star Wars, the line of Kenner action figures was all but dead by 1985. To the point that the line that was released in 1985 -- sold under the banner "The Power of the Force" -- are currently the most valuable line of action figures because no one purchased them in 1985. As for the Nintendo Entertainment System, it wasn't released nationwide until early 1986. I digress.
Q: How does Ted become sentient?
A: Late at night, eight-year-old John wishes that Ted would come to life. As John makes this wish, a shooting star passes over John's house. After, Ted becomes sentient.
Q: How old was Mark Wahlberg actually on Christmas day in 1985.
A: 14
Q: Is Ted a figment of John's imagination?
A: No. At first, John's parents are afraid of Ted and want to shoot him. Later, Ted becomes a celebrity, even appearing on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.
Q: How has Ted adjusted to adulthood?
A: Well, Ted's voice becomes a lot deeper and more Boston-centric. And he develops an affinity for hookers, booze, pot and (eventually) cocaine. Also, both John and Ted have a somewhat strange, but totally understandable fascination with the 1980 film, Flash Gordon. All of these things do not please John's girlfriend of four years, Lori (Mila Kunis).
Q: Was Lori aware of Ted before she started dating John?
A: It's not specifically addressed. But Ted -- and John to a point -- are still minor celebrities because, well, Ted is a magic talking teddy bear. When Ted jumps forward to the present day, the three all live in an apartment together.
Q: Is everyone happy about this arrangement?
A: It's at least tolerated until Ted hires a hooker who, on a dare, defecates on the carpet. After, Lori gives John an ultimatum that Ted has to find his own apartment. While this strife is occurring, Lori's chauvinist boss, Rex (Joel McHale), is making advances on her.
Q: Wait, didn't Joel McHale just portray a chauvinist boss in a movie?
A: Yes. McHale played a chauvinist boss named Roger in What's Your Number?
Q: How many more times does McHale need to play a chauvinist boss before this becomes a trend?
A: One more time.
Q: How many voice actors from Family Guy play prominent roles in Ted?
A: Mila Kunis, Patrick Warburton and the voice of Seth MacFarlane all play prominent roles in Ted.
Q: If I hate Family Guy, will I hate Ted?
A: It's possible. For one, Ted himself, at times, sounds an awful lot like Peter Griffin. Though, Ted's humor is much more crass than Family Guy is allowed to be. Also, thankfully, Ted doesn't base its entire comedic stylings on flashback non-sequiturs.
Q: In Ted, is there a scene from Airplane! that's completely reenacted?
A: Yes.
Q: What's the worst thing about Ted?
A: A subplot involving Giovanni Ribisi as a creepy father who wants to kidnap Ted for his creepy son -- which becomes the basis for a good portion of the third act, unfortunately.
Q: After Contraband, how many more movies does Giovanni Ribisi need to play the antagonist opposite Mark Wahlberg for this to become a trend?
A: One more time.
Q: Last week, Ed Douglas from ComingSoon.net Tweeted, "Just saw what is going to be Mike Ryan's favorite movie of the year." What does that mean?
A: At the time, I didn't know. But this has everything to do with the relentless onslaught of Star Wars and Indiana Jones references in Ted. I do like those things.
Q: Just how many Star Wars and Indiana Jones references are in Ted?
A: Good lord, I could never list them all -- but a few examples are: Young John has an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom poster in his room; in line for The Phantom Menace, Wahlberg is dressed as Darth Maul and Ted is dressed as Yoda; the Indiana Jones theme is played as Ted performs an act that is similar to one that Indiana Jones performs in Temple of Doom.
Q: Is it possible that you only like Ted because you are around the same age as Seth MacFarlane and every reference he cites coincides directly with your own childhood?
A: That's very possible.
Q: Is Ted your favorite movie of the year?
A: I can honestly say that Ted is the best cocaine-snorting, talking teddy bear movie ever made.
Q: If you're going to be blurbed during the commercials for Ted, what quote do you think will be used?
A: "Ted is the best ... movie ever made!" Mike Ryan - The Huffington Post
Q: During Ted how many times did you find yourself feeling extremely guilty for laughing at something that just occurred on screen?
A: Four times.
Q: During Ted how many times did you find your mouth agape upon realization that, yes, you did in fact correctly hear the words that were just spoken?
A: Three times.
Q: Is it possible that Ted really is your favorite movie of the year, though you'll never admit that publicly?
A: No?
Q: Is there anyone who will not like Ted?
A: Well, Justin Bieber and Brandon Routh, to name two.
Mike Ryan is senior entertainment writer for The Huffington Post. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter.