THE BLOG
01/17/2013 02:03 pm ET Updated Mar 19, 2013

'The Last Stand': Is This Arnold Schwarzenegger's Career's Last Stand? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)

the last stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger returns to theaters this weekend with a movie titled The Last Stand. In this movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger fires a lot of guns and growls a few one-liners -- because this is what Arnold Schwarzenegger does. As a service to you, we answered ever questions that you could possible have about The Last Stand.

Q: What is the last stand in The Last Stand?

A: The last stand in question is the town of Sommerton Junction, Ariz.

Q: Why is Sommerton Junction, Ariz. the last stand?

A: It's the last town that stands in the way between an escaped criminal named Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega) and his freedom in Mexico. That town has a sheriff by the name of Ray Owens.

Q: Wasn't Ray Owens the co-host of He-Haw?

A: You're thinking of Buck Owens.

Q: Does Ray Owens have any chance of stopping Cortez before he gets to Mexico?

A: Ray Owens is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger. So, yes.

Q: Is Ray Owens defending the town Sommerton Junction by himself?

A: No. His police force also includes Mike (Luis Guzman), Sarah (Jaimie Alexander) and the wide-eyed Jerry Bailey (Zach Gilford).

Q: Does Jerry have big dreams of moving out of the sleepy town of Sommerton Junction? Does he have big dreams of making it in the big city?

A: Yes.

Q: What are the odds that there will be a spinoff movie titled Jerry Bailey in which, after the events of The Last Stand, he follows these dreams?

A: Not good.

Q: Who is this criminal trying to flee to Mexico?

A: Gabriel Cortez is a ruthless Mexican cartel leader who has been sentenced to death in the United Sates. During his transfer from prison to death row, he escapes in probably the most ridiculous way possible.

Q: Why is his escape ridiculous?

A: Giant magnets are involved.

Q: OK, so, after Cortez escapes via giant magnet, does he then find a way to smuggle himself back to Mexico?

A: No. He just drives a car towards Mexico.

Q: Wait, couldn't the FBI just stop him?

A: It's a really fast car. We are told that it can outrun a helicopter.

Q: Why doesn't someone put up a roadblock? Or just blow the car up?

A: Well, to be fair, he has a hostage (Genesis Rodriguez), so the car can't just be blown up. And roadblocks are attempted, but Cortez is also a professorial racecar driver and pulls off some nifty tricks to avoid obstacles.

Q: Do Mexican drug cartel leaders often have the time for hobbies that are as time consuming as "professional racecar driver"?

A: I don't know how many hours a Mexican drug cartel leader works in a given week, but if Colt Seavers has the time to be a stunt man and a bounty hunter, I suppose it's possible.

Q: Is this movie as asinine as it sounds?

A: Well, yes and no. It is asinine. But I get the feeling that it's supposed to be asinine, so there's no real reason to get in a huff about it. The Last Stand serves its purpose: gun Arnold explosion boom fight.

Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for The Last Stand, what quote do you think will be used?

A: "gun Arnold explosion boom fight!" Mike Ryan - The Huffington Post

Q: Is The Last Stand subtle about its violence at all?

A: At one point a character is shot with a flare fun, causing that character to explode into different pieces -- pieces that we see land. So, no.

Q: Is The Last Stand Arnold Schwarzenegger's career's last stand?

A: No, he'll return.

Q: Between one and 10 on the hack scale, what would it have ranked if you had written, "No, he'll be back," in that last answer?

A: Eight.

Q: Is The Last Stand a good career move for Schwarzenegger?

A: Probably. Even though The Last Stand is, at best, mediocre, it's an extremely safe role for Schwarzenegger. It's like wading in the kiddie pool before jumping off of the high dive.

Q: What would have been a poor career choice?

A: Put it this way: Schwarzenegger runs around with a gun and he doesn't have to do much more than that. Fine -- let him ease back into our lives. As opposed to something like finally making that Junior sequel no one wants to see. (Well, except for Indiewire's Matt Singer.)

Q: Is there a tank in The Last Stand?

A: No.

Q: What is the best part about The Last Stand?

A: Luis Guzman.

Q: Wait, isn't Johnny Knoxville in this movie? He seems to be on all of the posters. He's even in that picture you used at the top of this post.

A: He is ... but not really all that often, which makes his second billing a bit suspect. Regardless, he runs a fake gun museum. This is where Arnold and his team arm themselves with enough weapons to fight Cortez and his lackeys. Come to think of it, Schwarzenegger isn't in this movie quite as much as you expect him to be, either.

Q: But Doesn't Schwarzenegger play the main character?

A: Honestly, there are almost two main characters here. Schwarzenegger plays one and Forest Whitaker -- as the FBI agent who was in charge of Cortez's prison transfer before the magnets got involved -- plays the other.

Q: Is there a high-speed car chase through a cornfield at any point during The Last Stand?

A: Of course there is a high-speed car chase through a cornfield in The Last Stand.

Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.

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