The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones was screened for some critics, but my invitation must have been lost in the electronic mail. (To be fair, I could not have gone the night it occurred, regardless.) So, on Wednesday afternoon, I purchased a ticket to see The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones for no other reason than I had absolutely no idea what The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones was about. None. Most of the week I had been accidentally and stupidly referring to the movie as The Immortal's City. (Which I suppose is better than referring to it as Pollock, or something.)
Anyway, while I watched The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones I kept a running diary. Here is what happened.
4:04 p.m. I am seeing The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones with 14 other people.
4:12 p.m. The trailer for The Book Thief ends with the audience being told, "From the studio that brought you Life of Pi." Which could have easily have also said, "From the studio that brought you Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter," but, whatever.
4:22 p.m. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones has finally begun.
4:23 p.m. The City of Bones looks a lot like New York City.
4:23 p.m. I'm going to assume for now that New York City is not the City of Bones.
4:27 p.m. A character just referenced Close Encounters of the Third Kind, which is a movie I'd much rather be watching right now.
4:33 p.m. So, it's just been explained that a normal person who does not possess any supernatural abilities is referred to as a "mundane." Which is quite the step down from "muggle." I can only assume the next movie like this will refer to normal people as "bore-o" or a "banal-human."
4:39 p.m. All of the supernatural people in this movie have fun hair.
4:42 p.m. Our main character, Clary, was just attacked by what was no doubt a supernatural monster. She's told by a man who looks like Christopher Atkins in The Blue Lagoon that the monster was a "demon." I only mention this because she replies, "I don't believe you." I would really like to know what Clary thought the demon was.
4:45 p.m. The sentence "I don't remember anything she'd want me to forget" was just spoken in this movie.
4:48 p.m. Christopher Atkins and his ilk are called Shadow Hunters.
4:50 p.m. A character just referenced Ghostbusters, which is a movie I'd much rather be watching right now.
4:52 p.m. Apparently the one prerequisite to being a Shadow Hunter is that you are attractive.
4:54 p.m. I don't think I like this movie very much.
4:56 p.m. Jared Harris just showed up as a Shadow Hunter. I like to think this is what happened to Lane Pryce after he hung himself. (I thought for a second about referencing his role in Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows for the "Shadow" reference but I'd rather not think about Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows.)
5:00 p.m. It was just explained that a Shadow Hunter is a half angel, half human. Which I guess is cooler than "Humangel."
5:01 p.m. There is a man on the screen who has his lips sewn, yet he speaks in a voice that resembles that of Megatron.
5:01 p.m. We have finally reached The City of Bones.
5:03 p.m. There's a character in this movie named Bane. At this point I hope it's Tom Hardy's Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
5:03 p.m. At this point I'd even accept Bane from Batman & Robin.
5:07 p.m. The Bane in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones wears short shorts and excessive eyeliner.
5:11 p.m. Ah, yes, of course there are vampires in this movie.
5:18 p.m. I am watching a battle between the Shadow Hunters and vampires scored to a techno dance beat.
5:20 p.m. Oh, for fuck's sake, of course there are werewolves in this movie.
5:21 p.m. This movie "borrows" so many tropes, I would not be surprised if The Avengers showed up.
5:22 p.m. An elderly woman just decided that she has had enough and walked out.
5:23 p.m. I would have liked to have been there when she bought her ticket. "Hm, The Mortal Instruments: The City of Bones? Well, how much worse could it be than Mickey Blue Eyes?"
5:25 p.m. A human character just realized that he mysteriously no longer needs his glasses and reacts only by saying, "That's weird." I have worn contact lenses since I was 14 and if one day I no longer needed them, I will promise you I'd react with more than a "life's full of mysteries"-type shrug.
5:26 p.m. I wonder what that elderly woman who left is doing right now. I wish I were with her.
5:28 p.m. We just learned that Johann Sebastian Bach was a Shadow Hunter. I am just going to pretend that everyone is referring to Sebastian Bach from Skid Row.
5:30 p.m. If I had to guess, I would say that I have been in this movie theater for four hours.
5:36 p.m. Our main character, Clary, just sketched a picture of the guy who looks like Christopher Atkins, only with no shirt and wings. This was not intended to be funny.
5:40 p.m. Our heroes are fighting a woman who just grew an arm out of her neck.
5:42 p.m. OK, so here is our first hint at a love triangle because that beat must be hit. It's between Clary, Christopher Atkins and the guy whose eyesight was fixed for unexplained reasons.
5:43 p.m. Team Elderly Woman Who Walked Out Of This Movie.
5:45 p.m. Jonathan Rhys Meyers just showed up as the villain. My best guess is that he's playing Dave Navarro from Jane's Addiction.
5:48 p.m. There was just a big reveal. I won't spoil it because, honestly, I really don't want to take the time to write it all down.
5:49 p.m. I want this movie to be over.
5:57 p.m. A supernatural portal just opened up over New York City. This is notable because now there are enough movies that his occurs during that it can officially have its own "supernatural portal opens up over a major city" genre.
6:00 p.m. I'm going to stop writing things down for awhile.
6:09 p.m. Another big reveal. See "5:48."
6:15 p.m. A given human life only has a finite number of hours to live and I have used two of them to watch this movie.
6:17 p.m. I feel like The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is one of those fake movies that a reality show will tell someone is real just to see how serious all of the actors take it.
6:20 p.m. My thoughts are once again drifting toward the elderly woman who is out there, somewhere, living life to its fullest. Right now, she is my hero.
6:21 p.m. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones has mercifully come to an end with Christopher Atkins driving away on his motorcycle. Also: Of course he has a motorcycle as opposed to a Volkswagon Jetta, or something.
6:22 p.m. The only winner today is the elderly woman who was smart enough to walk out. I promise to live my life in honor of her memory.
Mike Ryan is senior writer for Huffington Post Entertainment. You can contact him directly on Twitter.
