Today, right now, as you're reading this, Wrath of the Titans, is playing at a multiple movie theaters near the place where you're sitting. Wrath of the Titans is a sequel to Clash of the Titans, a movie from 2010 that you didn't like very much. As a service, we answer every question that you could have about Wrath of the Titans.
Q: Since we last saw half man, half god Perseus (Sam Worthington) two years ago, what has he been doing?
A: In Titans time, 10 years have passed since Perseus killed the Kraken. In that time, Perseus spawned a son, Helius; lost his wife, Io; and grew his hair out. Perseus now lives his life as a fisherman.
Q: Wait. I thought Zeus brought Io back to life at the end of Clash?
A: He did. But she died again, somehow.
Q: Was this an anguishing scene to watch? Perseus losing the love of his life for a second time?
A: If a quick shot of a headstone with the name "Io" on it, used as exposition, can be considered "anguishing," sure. Why not?
Q: In Wrath of the Titans, does Perseus say to his son, "There's more to life than gods and titans."
A: Yes.
Q: So does the plot of Wrath of the Titans center on Perseus' adventures as a fisherman? Does the "titans" in the title refer to the titan triggerfish? Are the titan triggerfish angry because Perseus keeps trying to catch them, hence their wrath?
A: No. Perseus' career as a fisherman is short-lived in this film. As the film opens, Perseus is visited by his father, Zeus, played by Liam Neeson (K-19: The Widowmaker). Zeus explains that his powers are being weakened as a result of the lack of faith among humans. If this continues, Zeus' father, Kronos, will be unleashed.
Q: Is there much family resemblance between Zeus and Kronos?
A: Well, Zeus looks a lot like Liam Neeson, and Kronos is that giant lava monster pictured at the top of this page.
Q: OK, I can comprehend how a god mates with a human, since they look awfully similar. How did that giant lava monster produce offspring?
A: Well, at least in Greek mythology, as far as I can tell, Kronos was never a giant lava monster.
Q: Are there female lava monsters?
A: I'll tell you what: I'm just going to answer "yes" and move on.
Q: How many drinks would you need before considering sleeping with a giant lava monster?
A: Between four and five.
Q: Is the 3D in Wrath of the Titans better than the horrendous 3D that we saw in the first movie?
A: The dimension of depth is substantially better in Wrath of the Titans, but, in this case, I could have lived without it, along with the dimensions of height and width.
Q: Did you enjoy Wrath of the Titans more than 2010's Clash of the Titans?
A: No.
Q: So Clash of the Titans is a better movie?
A: I wouldn't go that far. But, I'll admit, there's something that I enjoyed about Clash of the Titans from a nostalgic standpoint. I have such fond memories of the 1981 version of the film that I was interested to know what an update would look like. Sadly, I have now lived with that knowledge for two years.
Q: What is the main problem with Wrath of the Titan?
A: It's just nonstop action unencumbered by any real storytelling -- which is the same problem that afflicted director Jonathan Liebesman's last film, Battle: Los Angeles. To the point that there are scenes that I know are supposed to make me feel "excitement," and, boy, those scenes sure are pretty - but they make little to no sense.
Q: If you could change the title of this movie, what would you change it to?
A: Battle: Athens.
Q: Why is this a worse offense then any other action movie that does the exact same thing?
A: Because the Titans franchise is working with every character from Greek mythology. And those characters are interesting!
Q: Is Remember the Titans part of the Titans franchise?
A: It's never specifically addressed, but probably not.
Q: What is the most disappointing thing about Wrath of the Titans?
A: The fact that I really want to like these Titan movies. As stated, I have fond memories of the original movie, and I wish that these were good.
Q: How many titans are actually in Wrath of the Titans?
A: One.
Q: From now on, will you refer to the movie as just Wrath of the Titan?
A: Sure.
Q: This weekend, what movie is being released on the same day as Wrath of the Titan?
A: The superior Mirror Mirror.
Q: In 1981, what movie was released on the same day as Clash of the Titans?
A: The vastly superior Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Q: What's the most unintentionally funny scene in Wrath of the Titan?
A: There's a scene in which Liam Neeson, as Zeus, is near death, being revived by another character. The look on Neeson's face says, "You know what? I'm good. No, please, just let this character die."
Q: Will we see Bubo in Wrath of the Titan?
A: Happily, yes.
Q: Earlier in this piece, did you accidentally type "Sam Waterston" instead of "Sam Worthington"?
A: I did. And now I can't help but think what an interesting casting choice that would have been.
Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercial for Wrath of the Titans, what quote do you think will be used?
A: "Sam Waterston gives a tour de force performance in Wrath of the Titans!" Mike Ryan, The Huffington Post
Mike Ryan is senior entertainment writer for The Huffington Post. He has written for Wired Magazine, VanityFair.com and GQ.com. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter