ROMNEY ON FUNDING FEMA: "Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that's the right direction. And if you can go even further, and send it back to the private sector, that's even better."
SCENE 1, November, 2013 (as a hurricane floods a major American city):
NATIONAL GUARD OPERATOR: Good evening, National Guard Office.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL (on cell phone): Please help us! The streets are flooded and my 4-year-old brother, my 70-year-old grandma and me are trapped on the roof of our house.
NATIONAL GUARD OPERATOR: I'm sorry. We're no longer allowed to provide emergency assistance. President Romney has turned it over to the private sector. Besides, President Romney has deployed most of our guard unit to the War in Iran.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL (starting to cry): But someone's gotta help us. We can freeze to death up here.
NATIONAL GUARD OPERATOR: Well, President Romney has given the job of disaster relief to the private sector. You can try calling Halliburton Disaster Relief, Inc. at 999-999-9999.
SCENE 2 (a few minutes later):
HALLIBURTON OPERATOR: Good evening. Halliburton Disaster Relief, Inc. How may I direct your call?
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: The National Guard said you can help us. My family is trapped on the roof.
HALLIBURTON OPERATOR: Please wait while I put you on hold until an emergency relief specialist may assist you.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: Please hurry, my cellphone is almost dead.
Hold music -- a medley of patriotic songs play for the next 20 minutes
SCENE 3 (20 minutes later):
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: Sorry to keep you waiting but we're quite busy tonight. May I assist you?
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: My little brother, my Grandma and me are freezing on the roof and the waters keep getting higher.
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: Halliburton is here to help. Which credit card would you like to use? We take Visa, MasterCard and American Express.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: I don't have a credit card. I'm 12 years old!
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: You don't have to speak to me like that. I can't help you without a credit card.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: Wait a second. My Grandma's in a coma. But I think I see her purse.
(a minute later)
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: Ok, I found a card. The number's 8888 8888 8888.
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: Please hold while our computers check the card.
(5 minutes more of patriotic hold music)
SCENE 3 (5 minutes later):
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: Thank you for holding. The credit card is good. What level of emergency service would you like to order, Bronze, Silver or Gold?
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: I don't know, what's the difference?
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: Well,l for the $1800 Bronze Package we can make an appointment for a rescue for next Friday between 8 AM and 5 PM. With the $3000 Silver Service we can have someone there by the day after tomorrow. With the $6000 Gold Carpet Service we can send someone in the next 24 hours.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL (getting increasingly hysterical): We can't make it that long. My grandma's in a coma and it's freezing!
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: Well, if you order in the next 30 minutes you can try our premium Platinum Service at the special price of $9999 and we can have someone there in the next 4 hours, plus you'll get a limited edition "I survived the Hurricane of 2013" complete with a Halliburton logo.
12-YEAR-OLD GIRL: OK, OK, do that.
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: Please hold while I run the credit card charge through.
(5 more minutes of patriotic hold music.)
SCENE 6 (5 minutes later):
HALLIBURTON SPECIALIST: I'm sorry, M'am. The computer says that you've exceeded your credit limit. Do you have another card?
(the phone goes dead as the 12-year-old girl's battery runs out)
Next caller, please.
SCENE 7:
CNN News shot. 3 bodies are wheeled out on a gurney to a waiting hearse, sitting up to its hubcaps in water.
ANDERSON COOPER: In a horrific scene, we found the frozen bodies of a 12-year-old girl, a 4-year-old boy, and a 70-year-old woman huddled together on a rooftop as the waters receded. A cellphone found near the bodies showed that the last call was made to Halliburton Disaster Relief, Inc. Apparently, Halliburton's crack emergency rescue team didn't make it in time.
Meanwhile, in other news 12 members of the local National Guard unit were killed and 15 more were wounded in a fire fight in Iran.