Preventing Misunderstandings in Key Relationships: Create 'Agreements'

Any healthy and productive relationship, business or personal, operates on the basis of certain "agreements." By agreements, I'm not referring to "what" we're doing or working on, but on "how" we do things/work together.

Examples of agreement topics include any ways we operate that may impact others, like:

• the pace at which we do things (do we tend to jump in and move swiftly? or are we more methodical and process-oriented?)


• the level of detail we prefer to pay attention to (some of us are big-picture people while some of us are detail people)


• the type of communication we engage in with other departments, people, customers AND EACH OTHER (do we like to be straightforward and get it all out on the table verbally, or are we more geared toward thinking it through and, if anything, emailing our thoughts), etc.


• the level of tidy-ness we need in our environment (are we comfortable with piles, or do we need things to be put away or filed in order to concentrate)

The trouble is, we rarely set up these agreements verbally. We simply work together or live together, go along, and are then surprised and upset when we find that we're obviously operating from a different set of agreements ("Why does she do things so slowly?" "Why does he rush in and jump the gun?" "Why does she email everything? I'm right in the next cubicle--she could just talk to me" "Why does he stick his head over my cubicle wall every 5 minutes--it drives me crazy and he could just put it in an email"). Things aren't so bad when we're dealing with someone who is a lot like us, but that's rarely the case. More often than not, we're dealing with people who have different ways of working and living and different assumptions about the right ways to go about things. And if we don't talk about it, and come to some kind of agreement on our agreements, we're leaving ourselves open to frustration, a ball getting dropped somewhere, and the potential for damaged relationships.

How to Create Agreements:

Creating agreements means discussing what we mutually need from one another in terms of how we work or live together. Have a conversation and declare your intention ("My intent in initiating this conversation is to make things easy for us both by making sure we are working and interacting off the same set of "interaction blueprints"), ask for mutual disclosure, and get them to tell you the secrets of interacting well with them. For example, find out (and share):

• preferred method and timing of communication (for work relationships -- verbal? electronic? immediate? at the end of each day?)


• how it's best to approach them on challenging issues ("don't beat around the bush- just say it" or "give me some background first so I know what you're talking about")


• preferred mode of collaboration ("do you like to brainstorm together and think aloud, or do you work better by doing your own thinking first, and then getting together to compare notes?"}


• what kind of environment they operate in best (level of tidy-ness)

As you discover ways in which your preferred modes differ, discuss how you will handle those differences. Create some give-and-take, and go for fairness.

Tip:

As part of creating an agreement, also decide together how you will handle the violation of an agreement (we're human -- something will be violated unintentionally at some point). That way you have a game-plan for when things get tricky and go off-track. And since it's a game plan that you've created together, you have a better chance of it working!

Whether you're thinking about a relationship with a co-worker, boss, employee, customer, or a personal relationship, creating agreements is a smart way to make sure things go smoothly and important business or personal relationships are strengthened in the process.

 

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Comments

[TomZart]

10:31 AM on 05/12/2010

RELATIONSHIPS


Relationships are the greatest predictors of happiness
Healthy ones tend to support our joy and appreciation.
The best way to keep mentally healthy, happy and strong
Can be summed up by love, trust and admiration.

One of the most rewarding things, each of us can do
Is the acknowledgment of others and their fears.
To promote their happiness and sense of worth
By our love, concern, laughter and tears.

Staying eager to display are willingness
To recognize our support from others.
Where would we be without the people we love
Friends, mom, dad, grandparents, sisters and brothers.

We treasure our relationships and pray to maintain them
As they give us our passion and purpose in life.
Cherishing our family, our faith, our country
Our honor, our husband or wife.



By Soldier For The Lord
Tom Zart
Most Published Poet
On The Web

[Mim Abbey]

12:21 AM on 05/13/2010

Hi Tom:

Thank you so much for sharing your poetry with us! I love what you say about displaying willingness and acknowledging others and their fears- these are wonderful principles in building strong relationships that stand the tests of time and challenges. If we don't show those things, the other person is not as likely to. Investing in relationships and leading by example are very strong choices that show integrity and are likely to create positive outcomes.

Thanks again and keep writing!
Mim

[MarilynBB]

09:22 AM on 05/12/2010

Good relationships are good deals and when the deals don't work you change them. That's what a growing functioning relationship is all about. It isn't about making one deal then holding to it forever.

Great article on making the agreement. Now adapt the process to remaking the deal as people and situations grow and change.

If someone doesn't hold to their promises and keep the deal get out of the relationship. They are not really interested in being in relationships just in gaining for them selves.

[Mim Abbey]

12:28 AM on 05/13/2010

Hi Marilyn:

Thank you so much for your contribution- you make excellent points here. It's true that we grow and change as people, and, as such, must stay in communication with the people with whom we're in important relationships, and revisit agreements as needed. And, as you say, if someone doesn't hold to their promises, that communicates a lot. It violates trust, and, depending on the type of "agreement," it's either time to have a pointed conversation (for a lesser agreement), or, make a choice to remove yourself (for those "once is too much" scenarios).

Thank you again and all best to you!
Mim

[NickyD]

02:16 PM on 05/11/2010

Hi Mim,
I love what you said "Creating agreements means discussing what we mutually need from one another in terms of how we work or live together." Last night I went to an event at the TV Academy for a screening and Q&A for the Apprentice. Mark Burnett and Donald Trump were telling a great story about how the Apprentice was pitched to Donald. Mark was riding in the cab after just landing in NYC and had an intention of pitching Donald at the end of his week in NY. He called Donald's office expecting to get his receptionist who would make an appointment. Instead Donald PICKED UP THE CALL!! Donald said "great come by the office now and pitch me." Mark nervously went to the office (not having his pitch all together because he came to NYC to get a feel of the city for the show idea he had in his head) . Before the pitch they both agreed with a handshake that they were 50/50 on the deal, shake - done deal were doing the show "now go pitch my agent," Donald said. The agent said "no way," and Mark went back in with his head hung low and said "he said no that a show like this won't work," and Donald said "but we shook hands!" Needless to say - they made an agreement to do business.

[Mim Abbey]

12:32 AM on 05/13/2010

Hi Nicky:

Thank you for bringing this example to the conversation- a great reminder that "creating agreements" happens in real-time, is appropriate in a vast array of situations, and is a powerful thing! And if it's good enough for "the Donald," well then....

All best!
Mim

[BabaLou7]

10:32 PM on 05/10/2010

Would that it were as easy...the problem is a whole lot of folks are reactive beings, behaving from their dysfunction and in denial about it. Agreements have little place in relationship with these people.

[Mim Abbey]

12:37 AM on 05/13/2010

Hello and thank you so much for your comment-- you make an excellent point about the part of the population that can't seem to operate on a productive level such as this. If you have tried this and they aren't taking the bait, insisting on staying in their dysfunction and denial, as you say, you're absolutely right- they've abdicated their right to be in productive relationship with you. Do what you need to to limit your interaction with them. There is a world full of people who want to make agreements with you and get things done together and have a great time doing it.

[BabaLou7]

09:02 AM on 05/13/2010

I agree, when in reference to my own life, and I am largely blessed with the luxury to have done this.

However, as I mentioned, it's not as simple as you say. The majority of the world is comprised of folks who haven't done their work. This means that if you are a teacher, a supervisor or manager, in a large close-knit family, or club etc., the setting of healthy boundaries becomes far more important than the forging of agreements.

[BabaLou7]

11:45 AM on 05/28/2010

Since there was no way I could respond to your last post to me, I'll do that here. I'm interested in your work and would be curious to hear where your investigation of Whitfield's work takes you. Is there a website where I could keep up with you and perhaps send emails back and forth?

All the best to you, Mim, in everything you do. --- BabaLou7