With Passover around the corner, my thoughts are turning to how to make the story of the Exodus come alive for my kids. Typically, one might use clever stories or dramatic reconstructions with masks and props. But it's not so simple in our house. This is because my almost-7-year-old daughter is a self-declared atheist.
My daughter conceives of God as a social construction. She believes that the concept began in ancient times as a rumour, which then took on a life of its own. I enjoy engaging her in discussions about her utterly reasonable convictions. And she knows I read and think a lot about the topic. "Mom, is that another book on Jewish theology?" she teased the other day, glancing at a large tome lying unclaimed on the sofa. (It wasn't, but she knows I try to keep up.)
But in relaying the many fantastical elements of the Passover story, I don't want the description of God raining reptiles down on the Egyptians, or parting the Red Sea for the Israelites, to fall on deaf ears. "It's just a made up story," she said today when I mentioned the bit about the waters splitting. "And besides," she added, "there's no such thing as God."
So I'm turning to inspiration from a most unlikely source: memories of a trip I took with my dad to Universal Studios when I was 9. As it happens, one of the highlights of the Hollywood studio tour is connected to the story of the Exodus. With creaky mechanical walls creating a truck-width gap in the lake, riders on the tour tram get to drive right through. They see what Charlton Heston and fellow cast members witnessed as they filmed the famous Red Sea scene in Cecil B. DeMille's 1956 epic The Ten Commandments.
These tourists are there to discover the special effects behind the films. But they also know that glimpsing the tricks of the trade won't diminish their experience of the magic of motion pictures. If anything, doing so will enhance it. Just like tending one's own garden can inculcate a sublime appreciation for the taste of a fresh carrot, unraveling some of life's mysteries can make one thirsty to grasp more.
There's another reason why I draw inspiration from that memory of my daughter-father trip to California. I think about what happens when parents take their kids seriously. There is a short animated video circulating online by David Brooks, New York Times columnist and author of The Social Animal. In it, Brooks explains that to help your children achieve their potential, threats and bribes are not the way to go. What kids need most is authentic parental connection. Pull your daughter aside and share something about your personal world. Through that seemingly small act, you will help bolster a healthy sense of self, one that can propel her toward a mindful pursuit of her life goals.
My dad, a psychiatrist-psychotherapist, would frequently share a bit of his own intellectual or creative life with me. His interests sometimes became mine. Simon & Garfunkel and Neil Diamond were my childhood soundtrack. Before I discovered the Brat Pack, I embraced cinematic stars like Al Jolson and Maximillian Schell. I was familiar with every program at my summer camp before I even arrived, thanks to my dad's sharing his own Camp Massad memories with me for years prior. And I knew more about Sigmund Freud than most kids my age. Sometimes I took the information in socially awkward directions, like challenging my fourth-grade classmates to define clinical terms like "narcissistic rage." But usually it meant that I was inspired to think critically about issues, preparing to put my own stamp on the world.
In her atheist ways, my daughter is already engaging with the biggest ideas there are. Why are we here, and how did we get here? Attending synagogue and religious school, she hears a lot about God. Though she doesn't believe in Him, she sometimes spontaneously breaks into the ballad version of Adon Olam, Debbie Friedman's Havdalah prayer or the Shema. And I enthusiastically chime in.
My daughter wants to be part of the conversation, and I want to be there as her partner in dialogue. Letting our kids in on the secrets of what we most care about sets the stage for helping them engage in our most important collective, foundational narratives. Whether we believe these stories to be literal occurrences, divinely inspired actions or humanly created tales, they are the lifeblood of the Jewish conversation. Seems that this year, the Four Questions recited at the seder will just be four of many. It won't be long before I have many questions for her, too.
This column first appeared in the Ottawa Jewish Bulletin.
Follow Mira Sucharov on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sucharov
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Having been raised catholic and never really buying it was very difficult. If you do not go to catholic school you typically begin to learn the faith around age 7-8 in weekly classes. My questions were never answered to my satisfaction. The whole 'god's will is beyond our comprehension' was such a cop out. I got out of all observances as much as I was able.
I understand that you are passing on knowledge of your community and the world around her. Religion is ingrained in our societies and for the time being this knowledge is necessary.
When my daughter was growing up I was honest with her. I told her that I did not believe but that there were those who did and she could make up her mind for herself when she was old enough. I gave her books on Christianity, Judaism, paganism, eastern traditions, Greek/Egyptian/Roman/Nordic pantheism, etc. I also made sure she had exposure to philosophy, science fiction, and fantasy. We had very close Jewish friends, Wiccan, Catholic and Christian relatives who took her with them to their services.
She was able to put everything in context and follow a moral contributary life that does not include religion.
My mother tells me I was four when I did the same thing. Beyond a single memory of being dragged kicking and screaming to nursery school I have no recollection of that period of my life. I do know that, to this day, theological arguments just sound ridiculous to me. Not without their quaint cultural charms at times but silly nonetheless.
Religion is not for kids and they should be allowed to grow up free of indoctrination, then they can make up their minds once they are adults.
Thanks for writing. The key question coming out of this for me, is: what is the relationship between exposure (including teaching, grappling, and intellectual and cultural engagement) with indoctrination? I don't see how one can make up one's mind as an adult without the former (i.e., some form of engagement). But as a liberal thinker, I don't dig indoctrination. (Though would anyone admit it if they did? Another good question.)
Thanks for writing.
Most six year olds have the mental capacity to figure out that religion is just made up stories, but don't have the courage and strength of mind to contradict all those figures of "authority" around them.
Materialism the religion of the atheist based in scientism that finds no meaning and purpose to their lives and accepts the theory taught as fact that they are a grand cosmic accident.
One hopes your daughter will reject both and keep asking the meaning and purpose of her life, indeed all life forms, and not accept the materialist or the religious paradigms.
Once one accepts atheism or religious dogma as a reality, the paradigm effect kicks in and it is almost impossible to see beyond one's existing paradigm. It is hidden from our view and we will reject evidence at a conscious and unconsciousness level that contradicts our hidden paradigm.
Maybe rather than label your daughter as an atheist, the title of sincere seeker would be more appropriate. At 8 years old asking the meaning and purpose of her life may be the qualities of an advanced soul.
Very often atheism is a path for spiritual awaking. Religious dogma is so powerful often one has to reject all of it, to move beyond it. Pendulum thing.
2) "Scientism" is a straw-man argument. I've heard lots of atheist accused of scientism. Have not heard a single one of them ever advocate scientism.
Wrong.
1- Don't even try and argue that religion isn't materialistic. Look at the wealth of American preachers and the Catholic church
2- To suggest life is an "accident" shows a gross ignorance of scientific forces. In case you also didn't realise, it's no accident that Earth orbits the Sun.
That was at least 27 years ago and I certainly don't regret it. If only there were more children who would reject the obviously unbelievable we could all breathe more easily.
I was a doubter at a young age, too. But my mother kept scaring me back into the Christian fold with the devil and hellfire and eternal suffering. Messed up my childhood quite a bit.
Wish I'd had a mother as intelligent and caring as you.
A couple of years ago she actually apologized for making me go to all that stuff. After inquiring further, she said you read to much for all that church to do anything other than make you rebel. Even if she sees my dis-belief as a form of intellectual rebellion, she has started coming to terms with what fundamental churches do to anyone with half a brain.
I really wish my sisters hadn't fallen for it hook, line and sinker. I think my youngest niece might have a chance at getting out of it, but the other two are nearly thirty and still entrenched.
I took this to be the secular equivalent of the theist proclamation that "I just wouldn't want to live in a world with out God". Both the Believers and my grandson seem to not be able to separate the desirability of a beneficent being with the actual existence of that being.
Really, who really wants to fight their friends and family over the God thing? And who wouldn't want to be a charitable person?
It isn't about wanting God to exist. It's about the nonbeliever finally caving to the pressure and saying "Fine, whatever. I'll be a theist." They can't swallow it based on reason as there is no evidence and they fully know it and know the correct conclusion. God is a big pill for an atheist to swallow. But perhaps they can swallow it by wanting God to exist.
Given all the social pressure to believe, it is amazing any of us here are atheists. Think about how hard it was for some of us to undue the indoctrination (and still experience its effects) and how lucky those like me are to not be raised religious. I'm fortunate my family didn't go to church, because otherwise I very easily could be a believer and a stubbornly devout one at that. We are lucky. Religion is honestly that tricky and (frankly) evil, to pressure you to corrupt your own mind like that.
As a secular Jew I enjoy The Seder as an opportunity to be with my children and grandchildren and to celebrate the story of the Passover. The children love singing the songs and looking for the Afikoman and we all enjoy being together. During the evening I always spare a thought for the hundreds of thousands of Jewish families throughout the world who are all celebrating this part of our history. For me that is the magic of such occasions and my lack of belief in organised religions doesn't make me feel any less a member of my people.
I wish you and your family a wonderful Passover!