If American political campaigns were all about dry wonky issues like social
security reform or deficit reduction, well then, fewer than a quarter of voting-age Americans would cast ballots during midterm elections. Thank goodness
for Hot-button Issues. They're the reason that a whole third of eligible voters
will go to the polls on November 7th.
Hot-button issues get voters emotional, frenzied, bloodthirsty. Gas Prices,
Prayer in School, Rush Limbaugh's physical comedy: these are the topics that
can make even the staunchest opponents of the Death Penalty go postal. Early
on in our republic these issues included taxes on Whiskey and the gold
standard. The hot button issues of yesteryear seem like much ado about
nothing. (With the exception of slavery. That really was a pretty big deal.) Exit
polls, controversial in their own right, will rank the importance of these
controversial issues after the fact. But how seriously can we take them? "Poll-
tested politics" didn't even qualify to play.
Call-outs
1st round, Team 9 vs. Team 10.
Medical Marijuana vs. Steroids in Pro Sports
Size isn't everything. Despite Medical Marijuana's laid back attitude, it manages
to provoke a veritable roid rage among those who question federal drug policy.
Against such a cool competitor, Steroids in Pro Sports shrivels up.
1st round, Team 21 vs. Team 22.
Hillary vs. W
First off, props to both dynasties for getting the whole country red-faced till
they're blue in the face. Though Hillary Clinton could singlehandedly restart the
Civil War, it's President Bush who might yet have the whole WORLD at war.
2nd round, Team 6 vs. Team 8.
Death Penalty vs. Global Warming
Rest assured, in 100 years we'll still be arguing the deterrent effect of the death
penalty - even as America's overcrowded federal penitentiaries are submerged
under the waters of the melted polar ice caps. (We'll be arguing from inside our
rafts.) Coach Al Gore has improved his game, but his team still gets offed by
Death Penalty.
Final Round (THE WINNER IS)
The party's over, Gay Marriage. (No doubt it was a lovely reception.) Ultimately
we're more afraid of illegal aliens in America than of gay people in families.
Border Security is about more than immigration. It's about economic security
and the very definition of our country. Then there's the whole other hot-button
issue of gay illegal aliens ...
From the book The Enlightened Bracketologist: The Final Four of Everything, to be published by Bloomsbury in March 2007.