What's The Right Age To Take A Child's Cell Phone Away?

I realize for many, the question is usually, "What is the right age to give your child a cell phone?"

Well, in my house, that question had been easy. With the confidence of an all-knowing parent who'd never had a preteen much less a teen, I adamantly stated my case to the women in my book club a few years ago.

"Kids with cell phones are ridiculous," I asserted. "Mine will get it when he needs it -- the same time he gets his driver's license."

Well, imagine my surprise when I found myself in the AT&T store adding that extra phone line, making ours an official family plan as he was turning 12.

He was midway through his sixth grade year and still settling in to the ups and downs of junior high. He had risen to the challenge of wearing the jacket and tie that sets middle schoolers apart from the "little kids" at his school. He gladly schlepped hockey pads, squash bags and lacrosse sticks to school everyday -- another signal to his immediate world that he had graduated from the elementary years.

But, despite the heavy baggage of those exterior signs of maturity, what he most wanted to symbolize that he was an independent middle schooler weighed a scant 3.4 ounces. The cell phone.

Like in many homes where adolescence blooms, "the cell phone conversation" was a weekly occurrence. He would insist that he was the only one without a phone. When this argument took him nowhere, he reasoned that I could always find him if he had a phone. I reasoned back that if I didn't already know where my 11-year-old was, then we had bigger problems than cell phones.

I described our familiar matter to a friend, a father of two other middle school boys, "He's acting like by not letting him have a cell phone, I'm completely emasculating him."

"You are," the friend replied simply.

So, living by the mantra "pick your battles," I decided that $10 a month was a small price to pay for middle school acceptance. Obviously, I was not factoring in insurance, texting, taxes and a phone that was more than a tin can with a string.

With that, my son became just one more of the 20 million teens bouncing their cell phone signals off towers and satellites across the American landscape. He couldn't have been happier standing with his peers texting after school -- likely to the boy standing right next to him. On days I picked him up, he was apt to call and say, "Oh, I see your car, I'll walk right over."

How had we managed without this technology for so long?

Studies show that more than 70 percent of teens now own cell phones, up from five years ago when just 40 percent of kids aged 8-18 owned cell phones. And even that number is a drastic jump compared with pre- September 11 percentages.

Before 9-11 most schools banned cell phones on campus. "But after 9-11 and the Columbine shootings, parents wanted to be able to reach their kids all the time," explained the head of my son's middle school. "And now the cell phone is not going away, so we have to learn how we can use it to benefit us."

For your benefit, here are just a few lessons learned in our year-plus with the gadget:

If your phone is in your sweatshirt on the floor of the locker room, chances are high that a skate blade will find it, thus requiring a replacement. This is not recommended.

If you give your phone to a group of girls because they want to "program" it for you, it is entirely possible that the speaker will cease to work, thus requiring a replacement. This is not recommended.

If you are sitting in the kitchen with your mother when her phone rings and it is your cell number that comes up, it is best to fess up that indeed you have no idea where your phone is.

If you are sitting in the car with your mother when her phone rings and it is your cell number that comes up, it is best to fess up that indeed you have no idea where your phone is.

If you decide to prevent further incidents of losing or damaging your phone and begin leaving it safely in your backpack, hockey bag, lacrosse bag, or on the kitchen counter, it becomes increasingly difficult -- nearly impossible -- to hear or feel your phone when your mother is calling you. This is not recommended.

If it is your father, who ostensibly pays for your phone, calling when said communication device is stowed safely out of useful range, this is really not recommended.

In just over a year, the cell phone and its tempting trappings of responsibility and independence had become a burden.

Once again, Slim and I found ourselves having "the cell phone conversation." And he was the one who captured the situation best, "He can always say had a phone. He lost it and now his parents have taken it away. That's a credible narrative."

Indeed, it was not a week later when the familiar chirp of his phone alerted my son that one of his people had messaged that most expressive mot, " 'sup?" My youngest moaned with envy, "I can't wait until I can get a cell phone."

"Trust me, you don't need a cell phone," said his big brother. "I don't even need a cell phone." And rather than try to reel his words back in or backtrack on his logic when our eyes met, he accepted and owned the truth of his statement.

He found me later and laid his cell phone on the kitchen counter, just like Charlie Bucket returning the Everlasting Gobstopper to Willy Wonka. The evils of temptation, Slugworth and sexting had been denied in one fell swoop.

"I just think I'll be able to relax so much more if I don't always have to carry it with me and worry about it all the time," he explained. "Could you just turn it off for a few months and then we'll try it again when I really need it?"

I'd love to say that the story ended there, we each learned out lesson and went out for ice cream. But instead, we learned another lesson called "early termination fee." So, we'll be leaving the phone on, handing our ice cream money over to AT&T and using the gadget as a "special occasion" phone.

 

Comments

[JoyceBains]

05:15 AM on 05/31/2010

Oh, how I laughed and laughed while reading this! My sister and her son (now 15) went through The Great Cell Phone Debate, and it ended just like your son's did. He only had 60 minutes per month, and was shocked - SHOCKED! - when he couldn't make any more "emergency" phone calls to his little girlfriends. (We had to do the preapproved numbers thing.) Then it became a hassle to carry around. THEN he got irritated at the whole "how will you be able to reach me when you need me?" thing actually worked, and we DID expect to reach him when we called...which we couldn't since the phone was in the band hall for the 40 BILLIONTH time. He would leave it school...he would leave it at home...once it was stolen, he said FUHGEDABOUTIT. And we did!

[BlackYowe]

01:57 AM on 04/19/2010

Don't give them one in the first place and if you have to communicate give them a track phone for emergency use only.

[MJinCanada]

09:26 PM on 04/18/2010

My boys bought their own phones, with our approval, when they were 14 or so and assorted school and social activities made it hard for us to keep track of them, especially when they volunteered to stay to clean up or walk someone home. The oldest one bought minutes as he needed them, the younger found a cheap plan. I didn't have to worry about them misbehaving with their phones, as much as having to remind them to turn the phones off at night so that one or two silly girls they know won't wake them up at 1 a.m. to moan about what another silly girl said.

I think it makes a lot of difference when it's their allowance or part-time job going into the phones.

[Molly Baker]

08:29 PM on 04/18/2010

No, it's obvious that a cell phone is not a God given right for children -- or adults for that matter. - There was no child abuse or screaming over the phone -- getting it or giving it up. Like in many houses it's been a way to try out technology and responsibility with training wheels. We had the luxury to be able to say yes to a $10 month social tool (no internet, he paid the $5 for texting out of his allowance and had to keep track so as not to go over the 200 limit each month). Like HappiOtter said, it's better than cheap plastic toys he didn't want. -- For most teens, what they really, really, really want is a cell phone. It's been a useful lesson in parenting for all of us -- preparing us for bigger, more important issues to come. -- Does a child need a cell phone? No? Does a teen preparing to be a young adult need some public, social sign (if it is important to them) of his parents saying, we trust you, we understand and respect your wants (within reason), let's try this out together and face the issues as they come up. There are obviously a host of lessons and conversations to have with kids brought up by technology today -- it's benefits and dangers. And this was just our first one.
Just saying no, no, no isn't parenting to me. But listening, analyzing the situation is, and

[Sue Ellen Mischke]

06:29 PM on 04/17/2010

Any parent who chooses to buy their child a cellphone should be aware of this information: "Mobile phone use 'raises children's risk of brain cancer fivefold' . Alarming new research from Sweden on the effects of radiation raises fears that today's youngsters face an epidemic of the disease in later life."

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/mobile-phone-use-raises-childrens-risk-of-brain-cancer-fivefold-937005.html

[Matthew Heintz]

04:29 PM on 04/17/2010

I'm 22 years old....I got a cell phone in 8th grade, I guess it was around 2000 when I was 13...I was one of the last people in my lower-middle school district to get a cell phone.

I can't imagine nowadays having a kid over 13-14 and not giving him/her a true cell phone...you are socially ostracizing them for life, and they will hold it against you. Jr HS/HS are times when you evolve socially and find out who you are...but denying them cell phone, you are really denying them of an appropriate peer experience.

The average teen sends about 3000 texts a month nowadays, you are taking a valuable tool of a socialization away from your child, and him/her will be socially awkward without a cell phone (its a HUGE part of teen culture...it would be like parents today growing up with absolutely no knowledge of pop culture because their parents banned tv and music).

you may think its silly, but a cell phone (but more importantly the secondary uses of it..texting/email/facebook) are a intricate part of teenagers lives nowadays whether you like it or not. Society changes, and you are just holding your kids development back.

[kareemachan]

11:01 AM on 04/18/2010

"Valuable tool for socialization" huh. I have a better one: talking to people instead of solely concentrating on a small piece of metal and plastic. It is pretty pathetic when you see a bunch of kids together and no one's talking to anybody; they're just staring down at their phones. And funny thing, my kid seems to have handled not having a cell phone quite nicely, thank you, and is now in college - pre-med. Also, your so-called integral part of a teen's life has this terrible habit of killing them and/or other people, as they seem to think they should be texting or whatever while driving.

[mlaiuppa]

10:22 PM on 04/16/2010

Lesson one. Children do not always know what is best for them.

Lesson two. Don't let other parents make your decisions for you.

Lesson three. No calling plans. Get one of those preprogrammable, stripped down, no pictures, no texting phones (I think Cricket might make one?). They can only call the numbers you approve of. Min. are prepaid. When they're used up, he waits until the next renewal. Or pays for the min. himself. Nothing like the kid paying for their own phone min. (or car insurance) to instill a little responsibility and life skills.

No, I don't have any children. If I did, they wouldn't get a cell phone until they were 16. And it would be preprogrammable with prepaid cards, no pictures, no texting, etc.

Do I own a phone myself? Yes. My Mother gave it to me when I refused to buy my own. It's a Tracfone and prepaid. No photos. No texting. I keep it off and in the car. I don't even know what my own number is.

[kareemachan]

11:02 AM on 04/18/2010

I'm with you. We use a Go Phone with prepaid minutes, and it's only for emergencies. There's no way I'd get anything with a calling plan or contract, as we don't use it enough.

[Chise67]

05:02 PM on 04/18/2010

Good post! Maybe 14 though for the phone? Just sayin'.....

[floodberg]

09:07 PM on 04/16/2010

After careful consideration and much pestering, my friend gave her daughter (16) a cellphone on the condition that she keep up a straight A average in the advanced college prep classes. Midway into the next semester, her grades had dropped, and her mother tried to take it away. I got a screaming call with both mother and daughter on it at 1am (I'm pseudodad.) I got everyone calmed down, told my Ashley that she would indeed lose the phone if her grades dropped, and she immediately told me that she would report her mother for child abuse. I told her that was the wrong thing to say, and that I'd be there in an hour and we would discuss just what did constitute child abuse. About 5 minutes later, they called back; agreement reached, and Ashley got her grades back up and kept them there. The next day, I did have a long conversation with both about what constituted child abuse in my state. Ashley is now studying engineering at a good college; she got an 80% scholarship.

I've had friends (cops, social workers, therapists) call and ask this question. No question, it's addictive if not done with strict, clear rules from the start.

[thinkingwomanmillstone]

08:58 PM on 04/16/2010

It is up to the individual set of parents to decide about cell phones. What I find amazing is that they don't stick to their decision. As soon as the little one whines "but all my friends have one" the so called adult caves and gives him/her the phone. It is no wonder children today have such a sense of entitlement and an inability to practice self restraint. The flip side to this issue is the parent who doesn't want to let the little one out of sight or reach or who doesn't want to be in the slightest bit inconvenienced when he or she wants to talk to their child (notice I said wants not needs). The parents are no better at waiting for things than their children.

[SonyaInTx]

06:22 AM on 04/16/2010

I don't see anything wrong with children and teens having cell phones to contact parents when they are at school or need to be picked up. It's a safety device as far as I'm concerned.

I've talked this over with my husband, and when the time comes, I only want my kids to have a cell phone that can be programmed with our home, work and cell numbers, 911, a taxi company, and a local hospital. The phone will not have a camera or text option.

That way, our children won't be given the tools to be caught up in sexting or any other activity that can nowe get them on a sex offender list. Seen the recent articles on the subject? If they need to call friends, they can do it from the land line at home where I can monitor who is calling.

Kids are kids, and until they reach the age to vote and go to college, I'm not giving them the opportunity to get into youthful trouble. They may hate me in the short term for being 'too strict', but will thank me for it later when they are a productive adult.

[Cayita]

08:15 AM on 04/16/2010

This is exactly what I plan to do when my kids are older (now they are toddlers).

[mlaiuppa]

10:29 PM on 04/16/2010

You're right to use a preprogrammable phone with no camera or texting ability. Unfortunately not all parents have that foresight.

[the Nood]

04:59 AM on 04/16/2010

I gave up having a mobile phone last Christmas (2009) and I have never been happier. Although I'm not a child so I don't have that whole status thing to worry about but I do love the look of incredulity on people's faces when they ask for my mobile number and I tell them I don't have a mobile. Then when they ask how they can contact me I tell them they can't, if I want to contact them, I will?

[mlaiuppa]

10:31 PM on 04/16/2010

I love not being on call 24/7.

When I'm not home next to my landline I have my privacy. Driving and shopping become serene. It's my quiet time.

My Mother gave me a cell phone when I refused to buy one. I keep it off and in the car. I don't even know what my own number is.

[PatA]

10:27 PM on 04/15/2010

eeeeeeeeeee. some of the reasoning here blows me away. i agree with helbilly.

[MyVesta]

03:39 PM on 04/15/2010

I love how a cell phone is now a God given right of children -- taking a cell phone away from a child is now viewed as akin to child abuse. Give me a break.

[PatA]

10:22 PM on 04/15/2010

Thank you, MyVesta. My feelings exactly.

[HapiOtter]

11:19 AM on 04/15/2010

We got our son a phone when he turned 11. He still had the same phone when he turned 14, so we let him upgrade to a Blackberry with talk and text only. He can only get on the Internet when at home by our WiFi. It has been really convenient to be able to call him when he is at his friends or have him call us when he is ready to be picked up from hockey or soccer practice.

We got our 8 and 9 year old daughters phones for Christmas. We got them inexpensive pay as you go phones with minutes that last for a specified period of time. Apparently, for them it is just owning a phone for status that does the trick. They don't really use their minutes too much, and since there is no monthly fee associated with the phone, it has been a pretty cheap way to keep them happy. Also, I felt that the money was better spent on getting them a phone for Christmas than on getting them some cheap plastic toys I would be throwing away in a few months! :)

[maggiee]

10:22 AM on 04/15/2010

I was resistant to getting a cell phone. I figured I didn't want to be a slave to it. After I gave in and got one (ditching the land line because I can't justify both) I find myself wishing I had one middle school and high school as my parents were forever forgetting to pick me up after...whatever.