As friends and readers tell me their horror stories about their exes and how poorly they handled their breakups, I often wonder to myself how did I get so lucky to have a peaceful divorce. I mean...was it luck? Do I just have an extraordinary ex husband (I'm sure he'd like to think so)? While he is undoubtedly wonderful, I do believe that they were some strategies that I somewhat unwittingly employed that helped keep us on a peaceful path and away from ugly confrontations with lawyers.
1) I had a clear vision of what I wanted our relationship to be. He had been my best friend for thirteen years and I was adamant about maintaining our friendship. I wanted us to continue to be a family that had dinners, went on trips, and shared holidays together. I imagined us (and still do) with new partners all celebrating together at parties. Luckily my ex was in agreement about this. He didn't want to lose me as a friend either.
2) I held that vision in my mind no matter what the circumstances were. There were times when my ex would get frustrated and try to get back at me. He made some nasty threats from time to time about how he wouldn't take care of the kids when I needed him to or how he was going to go after the house after he had given it to me. Obviously those weren't pleasant moments, but I held fast to my rhetoric of harmony and friendship. I would remind him how much he loved the kids and would never want to punish them just to spite me. When he would say angry things, I would remind him that deep down inside he really loved me and still wanted to be my friend. Some might call me crazy and say that I wasn't facing reality, and you know what? I wasn't. Because reality wasn't what I wanted it to be yet, and I was waiting patiently for the reality that I did want to manifest itself.
3) I maintained an unwavering faith that we would work things out. My yoga teacher often shares a great St. Augustine quote on faith. "Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe." Well I was stubborn and sometimes lived in a bit of a fantasy world. There were certainly times in which my ex wasn't nice or peaceful towards me, yet I clung to the precious moments when he was friendly and I clung to my vision of the future. Not only did that make me feel better, but it also changed the dynamic between us. He could feel my faith and eventually became convinced himself.
4) I reminded myself that there is a difference between a man and his actions. This was a tough one at times. It is really easy to judge a person by their actions, but I reminded myself that his actions didn't always reflect his true nature or his desires. Despite the fact he sometimes said nasty things to me, I told myself that he was in pain, that he felt powerless and that he was just lashing out in frustration. I will readily admit that it was hard to hear someone that I loved so much saying mean things to me. And I repeated time and time again that he would have to leave the house if he started insulting me here, especially in front of the kids. With time, those insults became fewer and far between, and when he would lose his temper, he would apologize much more quickly and bridge back to me immediately. He is a man with such a tender and loving heart. You might think that I was delusional, but it made me feel so much better to remember that than to focus on his piques of anger. And there was nothing I wanted more than to feel good.
5) I never lost sight of the love that we shared. He was my soulmate. We shared a very deep bond of love and had many happy years together. Yes, the relationship broke down. Yes we developed unhealthy patterns of behavior towards each other. But deep down inside, that love still burned bright. A month or so after our split, we met with Jonah's kindergarten teacher for the first time and told her about our situation. She was impressed with how kind we were to each other and how well we got along (at least in the parent-teacher conference). Hugo told her that we loved each other enough to know that we couldn't be together. That's the truth. And a love like that shouldn't die in the face of conflict.
Of course not everyone has a peaceful experience with divorce - it's a horrible time for all - but a positive attitude afterwards can be life changing. Thanks for the post!
Like you, I find that if you hold your higher purpose in your heart at all times, it is easier to accomplish it when things get rough. Thanks for joining the discussion.
As for my experience, it's strictly business until kids pass the age of 18. Nothing personal at all, fond memories were wiped away before the divorce when the bad points outweighed the good, hence the divorce. Business as usual, keeps the peace.
Claire N. Barnes, MA
Executive Director, Kids' Turn
www.kidsturn.org
Recently my daughter's friends told me how amazingly great my divorce is; obviously, my daughter told them. It's made all the difference for my three 20-something daughters. It's been 13 years or so and we've spent the past 8 years taking "family vacation," all 5 of us.
Of course it's not perfect and an important component is that both parents buy into putting the kids ahead of any resentment toward each other.
I write about divorce, family, my dog and lots more on my blog Confessions of a Worrywart
http://bit.ly/eDdoHf
I am a fan of your articles. Thanks for joining the discussion and sharing your positive divorce experiences. I love that you take family vacations together. The reality is that no relationship is perfect, married or divorced. We only can do the best we can with the circumstances as they arise.
You are truly a model for us all. I am not sure today what I want my realtionship with my ex to look like. Lately I have not wanted to think about what was once our life and the love we shared. I know its probably a phase, but I'm just tired of my divorce being the theme of my life. Sigh...
Thanks for sharing. Your insight is such an encouragement to take the higher road.
Blessings.
After reading your blog and poems you posted on your blog, I'm slowly becoming a convert. I think however, that I will try to apply your wisdom to my relationship NOW before a separation or divorce happens to see if we can avert it. Your advice reminds me of a chapter in the "5 Love Languages" book by Gary Chapman titled "How to Love the Unlovely." I think I understand its message better now after reading your work.
Thank you.
I have many married friends who read my blog who have said that they have learned to take better care of their relationships because of my experience. I am glad to help. I certainly wish that we could have saved our marriage, but I really do believe that our peace could only come after we were separated. It's best for us this way.
Good luck and thanks for participating in the discussion!
No doubt that this, in the long run, will benefit the kids. I do understand the comment from new wife about not wanting to vacation with her husband's ex or have him go off once a week so he can "play" family with his ex-wife. That is unhealthy for the new marriage.
I am blessed to have an amazing relationship with my husband's ex-wife. However, we do not vacation together, my husband does not go off and meet with just her and their kids (today, they are all adults as are mine). Our first priority is the health and well being of our marriage.
Before he and I got married, his ex would show up at his door and come on in. Like she owned the place. As his girlfriend, there were things I observed about their post-divorce relationship that didn't sit well with me. Once we got engaged he agreed to meet with her for a drink - and even she acknowledged that their relationship would change dramatically (she was already remarried). And it did. My guess is yours will, too, when your ex remarries because his first priority will be to his new marriage.
Just my thoughts. Your mileage may vary.
Peggy
www.thestepmomstoolbox.com
My husband's ex-wife cheated on him. He doesn't hold a grudge; according to him he wanted out too. So there is no animosity between them & for that I am grateful. She moved across the country to be with her new lover (who's now her second ex-husband) and my husband got custody of their youngest child (who didn't like mommy's new man).
Anyway, I had a similar experience as you when I was my husband's girlfriend. His ex would request to stay with him and their daughter when she was in town visiting. I knew then this was a boundary that needed to be redrawn. The ex has been ok with understanding the new boundaries so far and I am grateful for that. To me it shows me she respects our marriage.
My priority is also the health and well being of my marriage, not if the ex-wife feels "connected" with her kids and her kid's dad.
Ours was a marriage in which there was no addiction problem, no physical or emotional abuse. I didn't order her around and I didn't spend all my time on my hobbies or out with the boys. I always made her and the kids my priority. I sent her sonnets by text. I wrote her love songs. She mattered to me. None of this could overcome the childhood sexual abuse, the sexual assault as a young woman, the eating disorder she developed as our marriage was unravelling.
We haven't spoken now for months. I would love at this point to have a peaceful divorce, but unfortunately, that means agreeing to doing everything her way. That I can't do. She wants the kids with her most of the time, and I think that issue may head to court.
I'm delighted that you were able to pursue this path and it worked for you. But I do, indeed, believe that you were lucky. How will things be for you 2 years from now or 5? All good, I hope. But some of us go into the divorcing process naively hoping to make nice, not wanting the divorce at all, but if it comes - expecting that our partner and parent to our kids will play fair. At least to the children.
Unfortunately, it is exactly that LACK of attentiveness to the realities of the process which results in being poorly armed (yes, armed) for battle. Ask any woman - or man - who has found herself or himself with life and kids irrevocably changed. And not for the better.
To go in unprepared and naive is folly. Yes, you were lucky, and positive denial is not helpful for anyone.
http://dailyplateofcrazy.com/2010/08/29/the-problem-with-positive-denial-is-denial-marriage-divorce-positivity/
You and I have disagreed before on the idea of positive denial. I was interested to read Ruth Davis Konisberg, an expert on grief, note that people who were able to control their negative emotions were much more successful at transcending their grief. She calls this strategy repressive coping. You can check out an interview with her at http://ow.ly/4qQDG
When you have an ex-husband and a father who works against you, returns every kind gesture with an insult it doesn't matter how "willing" someone is to do the work. You are no more saintly than I am or most of the women I know who deal with aggressive, abusive ex-husbands. And you don't hold the key to any secrets and in my opinion your beliefs can be destructive because it will generate guilt in people who have bent over backwards and gotten nothing in return.
Being nice and playing nice is what we should all do. As much as you insist it does, doing so does not always get you nice in return. Luck is chance Molly and you got lucky. If you were dealing with an ex who refused to respond to all your "work" you would be singing a different tune.
Molly *is* lucky, but she could have turned that good fortune into another typical horror-show divorce. She didn't and it is heartening to be edged toward compassion by her work, even if, like many, I must remain ever-guarded.
I have come to know a few divorced parents who work together peaceably. They cooperate on their kids' lives, and more importantly, they are friendly toward one another. Their kids don't have to live with parents who will never smile in one another's presence. Consequently, they are secure and thriving, perhaps even better off than they would be in a tense, but "intact" home.
I know my children would be better off if matters could have been arranged according to Molly's formula and I'm okay with feeling some guilt about my part in subverting peace. (Starting a blog to tell the interwebs the whole story didn't exactly sow goodwill.) If we scrap it up with our exes in the same way we do with one another here, chances for peace get slimmer.
Regardless, I appreciate the new paradigm, especially as I grow older and see more and more of my peers booking their tickets on the divorce train. (I counsel to play nice, but—DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, in case the other spouse does turn on you.)
Lastly, DA, I am terribly sorry for your own experience, but thankful that you have so poignantly shared it through your writing.
You make a really important point here that if we fight with one another here on this blog, we are just reproducing the conflict of our divorces. Even though we have different opinions, we should all respect and support each other. Thanks for that reminder!
Thank you!
A new divorce paradigm! That's exactly what I am working towards. Thanks for giving me the vocabulary.
First, your premise seems a tiny bit disingenuous given that you talk quite a bit about how he was nasty to you, threaten to do mean things to you, etc. but never say that you probably had a few nasty moments, as well. It's a little hard to find credible that you simply clung to your vision and were nothing but outwardly beatific and patient. I'm sure you had your nasty moments, too. (Just saying that it would be easier to believe the two of you had reached this peace if you were not only admitting HIS faults...)
"I wanted us to continue to be a family that had dinners, went on trips, and shared holidays together. I imagined us (and still do) with new partners all celebrating together at parties. Luckily my ex was in agreement about this. He didn't want to lose me as a friend either."
I hope for all concerned that when you do find other partners, you will manage to keep this attitude of peace and respect. I predict your mutual decision to go on trips and share holidays is probably going to make it a lot harder for the two of you to re-partner without some serious re-drawing of boundaries. It's unlikely -- and unfair to expect -- that new spouses will want to continue in that vein.