The most recent divorce gloom and doom comes from Tara Parker-Pope's Well blog from the New York Times where she reported that sons of divorce are three times more likely to consider suicide than males whose parents weren't divorced. As confident as I am about my parenting skills, news like that always makes me cringe a bit. First, because I hate to think of that being true. Second, because so much of the news on divorce is so grim. That's why I share my divorce experience so that people can see that the members of divorced families can still thrive if they choose peace over resentment and anger.
As the divorced mother of an eight-year-old son I feel compelled to find a positive spin on this report or come up with a possible solution. When these kinds of alarming statistics come our way, it is a good opportunity for us to be more mindful about how we are raising our children. Perhaps we need to pay special attention to how our boys are responding to their parents' divorces. Instead of lamenting how divorce is destroying future generations, let's come up with some ideas to help kids cope with their (and our) setbacks.
Here are a few of my suggestions.
1) It is important for boys to have a constant relationship with their fathers. I am a big advocate for both parents having as much contact with their kids as possible. This is why my ex and I both see the kids almost every day. Our custody arrangement is unique that way because our kids spend four nights a week with me and three nights a week with him. Luckily we live 5 minutes away from each other and can come and go with ease. I have noticed that my son is particularly attached to my ex and sometimes calls him and asks him to come over to tuck him in at night. My ex usually says yes.
2) It is also great to cultivate a strong relationship between your son and other men in your life. When we spend time in California, Jonah definitely gravitates more to my dad and really enjoys spending time with him. He is also close with his best friend's single dad with whom he has sleepovers once or twice a month. It's a total boyfest, and they do activities I would never dream of. Lastly, he also takes a weekly karate class with my friend Tobey, and they have developed a wonderful mentor-student relationship. Tobey is a great role model for him and Jonah adores him. These relationships give him a wide range of ideas about masculinity and help him build a strong sense of identity.
3) Always speak well of his father and other men in general. One of the best pieces of advice that I got when I split from my husband was to always make the kids feel like they have the best father ever. Certainly a child feels stronger about himself when he thinks that he has people he can count on. He naturally wants to feel proud of his parents. When we mothers are frustrated with our ex-husbands (or other men we are dating), it is important for us to avoid male bashing. I sometimes fall into the trap of openly disparaging certain unpleasant characteristics that are associated with the male gender, but then I remind myself that I have a future man listening to what I say. I want my son to feel good about his masculinity and know that I admire the men in my life.
4) Encourage your son to talk about his feelings. My son has always been very intuitive and empathetic, traits that aren't usually typical of young boys. I certainly can't take credit for that because he seems to have a natural sense of how people feel, but I do know that I have always encouraged and fomented it. My ex is by nature temperamental and moody, and Jonah and I often talk about how he handles his moods. He understands that he is never to blame for someone else's state of mind and has developed strategies to remain calm and happy regardless of the circumstances of the people around him.
Recently, I made the mistake of letting my kids watch the movie Coraline one Friday night before we went to bed. My six-year-old daughter was both mesmerized and really scared by it and told us that she couldn't fall asleep. Jonah immediately jumped in and told her to think about things that made her happy. He reminded her of three or four occasions during the holidays that had made her laugh. Sure enough, soon she was giggling and happy again. I, personally, was flabbergasted and extremely impressed at his ability to 1) notice moments that brought Layla joy, 2) remember them, and 3) bring them up as a means of helping her dispel her feelings of fear.
Clearly I am biased, but I have to say that my son is a boy who is happy, confident, and has excellent interpersonal skills. He is certainly not going to be some depressing statistic that proves that divorce is damaging to children. I truly believe that with some creativity and dedication on our parts, all our sons of divorce can have equally positive futures ahead of them, and that researchers will soon have to do new studies to report our successes.
As a long time single mother to two sons, I also take exception to some of your points. Not all parents are good role models. That applies to men and women alike. I am thankful my sons have been raised by me, my set of ethics and values, with relatively little influence from the other parent.
Your situation, Molly, is not necessarily representative of the reality that many divorced parents live. As for raising healthy sons - or daughters - I think we owe them our best, and our honesty. We also owe them as many good and positive influences of both genders.
My situation is different, but it is my hope is that it could inspire others to think about reaching out more to their ex spouses and realizing that a man can be a great father even though he isn't a great romantic partner.
I saw gaping holes here. I so agree adamantly with zero dad-bashing. In fact, I endured that from my own mom for decades, until I said "no more" around age 30. But it seems naive, actually damaging, "to always make the kids feel like they have the best father ever." Huh? Kids know reality. My boys have an unreliable, alcoholic father. While I abhor all parent-bashing, it could be just as harmful to paint a false, rosey portrait. Why not a wise, balanced medium? To my verbal 13-year-old who's "fed up" with his dad, I say: "I understand completely you've had your trials, but he's still a good soul, loves you dearly, and one day you can hopefully be close again." To my son of 17, who fears he might upset one parent if he shows any favortism, I've assured him: "Your dad and I have our differences, but no matter what, please go ahead and have the best possible relationship with him. Nothing would make me happier."
Your appraoch to this subject was unrelatable -- for me, and I suspect, many others.
However, as long as he treats them with kindness and respect, which he does, I plan to do the same with him. I don't think its a falsely rosy portrait. Despite my ex's shortcomings as a partner and a provider, he has been a great dad. The kids will draw their own conclusions when they are older and have different criteria to judge him by. We have had honest discussions about his anger, so I am sure they will trust me to discuss whatever other issues may arise.
Good luck with your own marriage and kids.
Even best case with educated parents and 2 OK incomes, the reality is that kids inevitably are hurt by divorce. We have a marriage and divorce industry in this country along with tax policy that promotes unions and divorce far more than it should happen. Before you throw in the towel though, work your problems, folks. Give a little, doesn't mean giving up your soul. Don't count on therapy: count on yourself to come up with something suprising or creative to bridge that divide. Peace.
--Signed,
Son of a single mother who knew how to do it right.
Dads - same thing for moms and daughters.
So, since we're discussing sons, mothers should strive to act like the daughter-in-law they wish to have one day.
My question is this: if you praise the child's father ("You have the best father") and speak only highly of him, then doesn't it follow that it must have been you who broke up this happy family? And since it is usually the mother who has primary custody, she must live with children who deeply resent her for that.
Conventional wisdom suggests saying things like, even good people can change and drift apart, but drifting apart must seem like a very shallow reason to a child whose whole world has been turned upside down.
I have never told my son, who is now 32, that the reason I filed for divorce so long ago was because his father had a long term relationship with another woman and even had a child with her. It feels like this is TMI for a son to hear. But, as close and loving a relationship as we have, I know my son judges the divorce as something I chose to do without considering how much it would hurt him.
I sincerely believe that you did the right thing by not telling your son about his father's infidelity. I really admire your discretion. I imagine that would be hard. Our kids will always judge us for something, but it's great that you know that you have done right by him and the love you have between you always takes precedence.
We talked about how just because you forgive (and I have), things don't necessarily stay the same. He has struggled with that, and I accept that he will probably hold that against me all his life. Guess I'll be keeping a shrink employed someday down the road ...
1) While studies are helpful for understanding sociological trends, they are, as several have pointed out, certainly undertaken with an agenda in mind. For example, the mere questioning of children of divorce if they have considered committing suicide reflects that the researchers believed that divorce was detrimental to children. What I am hoping to achieve here is an emphasis on peaceful co-parenting and positive role modeling for boys (and girls) that allows them to thrive in way that might be reflected in further studies if researchers were to decide to investigate that.
2) My intention is not to say that divorce is better but to say that it is here, real, and often in the best interests of those involved. There are clearly those who would like to make divorces harder to achieve. I, on the other hand, take the approach that it is a phenomenon that doesn't have to be as detrimental as it is if ex spouses and co-parents forgo the bitterness and resentment that often occur as a result. I would like to see co-parents working together better for the sake of the children.
Thanks again for your participation in the debate.
If only divorces could be done with less conflict. Unfortunately, each person has to cooperate and want the same things for their children. Generally, divorce is wanted by one spouse more than the other. Whether it's because of an affair, alcoholism- any number of reasons- it's not usually two level headed people putting aside their own differences in the best interest of the children. One of my sons was 19 when my ex and I divorced. His father immediately emancipated our great college students, taking them from a life of great privilege to one where they were bar backing and I was selling whatever I could just to keep them in their apt. Fast forward, my Alex Keaton, straight as an arrow kid marries a woman ... It's a long story. I said to my daughter at the time, I just don't see stars in his eyes, I see them in her's, but his eyes bespeak doing the right thing. 18 months later, she insists on doing in vitro- she is 8 years older than he is and wants a baby now. He freaks and she sends him to a therapist. He came back from one session saying he was not happy, should never have married, did not want kids and didn't want to repeat his parents marriage. A divorce he never processed because of it's cruelty to all of us. Until that moment, we all thought of that child as being the most balanced of our brood.