At my son's last birthday party, a friend of mine took a video of the kids taking turns hitting the piñata and rushing forward to grab the candy. As most piñatas are, it was chaotic and had the potential to be unsafe. As she watched the video back, she marveled at how my ex handled the scene so well, keeping on top of the rowdy older boys and protecting the younger kids from getting in the way. She was impressed by his attentiveness to all the kids' actions and his tenderness and concern for their safety. Like me, she had her moments of anger at my ex when he chose to leave our marriage, and watching this video allowed her to see him with new eyes.
Within the first year after my marital split, I finally had the distance and peace of mind to reflect upon our relationship. It occurs to me now that a videotape might have been helpful. If we had videos of our interactions with others, what would we see? Would we be proud of our conduct? For example, would I see moments in which I had failed to appreciate my ex's considerate actions because I was so focused on my hurt and anger? Would I notice the moments in which I too had been difficult to live with?
The answers that I arrived at helped me start to see my ex--and myself--in a different light. In fact, they helped me finally abandon my gnawing resentment and paved the way for us to be harmonious co-parents as well as friends.
The breakup wasn't just his fault. Of course, we all know this, right? But accepting it in our hearts is a different thing altogether. My ex's betrayal, his angry outbursts and his decision to walk away made him an easy scapegoat for the divorce. Nevertheless once I finally resigned myself to the fact that we were indeed broken up, I started to see the ways in which our marriage had been difficult for him. This took me looking at myself with new eyes. I admitted to myself the ways in which I was too controlling, too demanding, and too communicative (yes there is such a thing). I realized that I had spent years blaming him for my own unhappiness, when all along I should have been focusing on making myself happy. Seeing his side of the story allowed me to soften towards him and feel more compassionate, which helped me appreciate him more.
I started to view him as my co-parent and not my husband. A friend and I often talk about how we have such unusually high (and often unrealistic) expectations of our spouses that just can't be met. Once my ex was no longer my romantic partner I found myself cutting him slack that I normally cut for my friends and family. I started focusing on his personal and parental strengths instead of rehashing the ways in which he had disappointed me.
Moreover, I started accepting certain behaviors that had driven me nuts when we were together, like running late. Sometimes he drops the kids off late on certain days, and I have adjusted my attitude towards that. I started having him drop the kids off at the gym childcare while I got a jumpstart on my workout. Or if I needed to be somewhere I would offer to pick the kids up at his house. In other words, I started being more flexible with him, and it really improved our relationship.
I tried to avoid falling back into old patterns of behavior with him.
How many times have you said to yourself, "There he or she goes again"? When we have been involved with someone for a long time we build up patterns of behavior and thinking, many of which can be unhealthy. My ex and I have weekly family dinners with our children, which is great for the kids, yet also provides an opportunity for conflict to arise. One night I answered the phone at the end of our dinner because I was looking for childcare while he was out of town. Well, he got mad and made a snarky comment. That one comment elicited in me a whole host of past assumptions: he has always resented me for my social interactions and now he's going to get angry and storm off. I was about to get angry back but then caught myself. Instead of seeing him through that prism of the past, I saw that he was just trying to reach out to me and have some uninterrupted family time. In that instant I was able to see him with new eyes, and it changed my perception of the situation. It took us a few minutes to feel at ease with one another again, but we finally did, and instead of leaving hurt and resentful, he stayed, we played board games with the kids and had a nice time.
In my continued effort to see my ex with new eyes and appreciate the ways in which he contributed positively to our family, I started making lists of them to remind myself. This was especially helpful when I was feeling frustrated because it put my frustration over a single incident into a larger perspective of his better attributes. Certainly it's impossible to move from disdain to appreciation in one fell swoop, but I found that over time my attempts to see my ex from a new perspective did give us the renewed ability to care about each other, as loving co-parents instead of bickering romantic partners.
I'm interested in hearing what you think. Must we continue to resent our ex-spouses? Have you ever found yourself looking at your ex (or old friends or family members) with new eyes? Might you find some small aspect to appreciate about your ex?
Follow Molly Monet on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/MollyLive For more information, http://postcardsfromapeacefuldivorce.com
I'm on my second (and last) marriage - my relationship with my ex is a simple one; no contact since the divorce was finalized 6 years ago - there were no children from that marriage and there was nothing to maintain. With my husband, there (thankfully) ARE children, and I read your writing with a lens of how it would/should/could apply to my husband and his ex.
Reading the comments to your post so far (21! way to go!), I find I can relate only to the ones who describe a relationship that ranges from poor to abysmal. I admire (and sometimes deplore) my husband's continued optimism that the boys' Mom will one day wake up and realize that a civil, communicative relationship between the parents is best for all. Sadly, with BM's refusal to acknowledge the importance of his role as father and co-parent (she describes her mother as her co-parent), her resentment of his amazing relationship with the kids - and her insecurity with her relationship with them - and her continued strategy of communicating primarily via lawsuit, I see little hope for us.
As you and I have discussed - it CAN work if only one parent takes the high road. But it's a hard road to take alone.
Fortunately he and I are very committed to being great coparents, or partners in procreation as I like to say. Family dinner night is a great idea! We hope to live within a short distance from each other
It was even cooler to sit next to the other parents, some of whom also seemed a bit taken aback at first by the coach’s enthusiasm toward their kids -- like they weren’t sure if he was for real. But as they slowly realized he was sincere, I could literally feel their pride swelling too. He was able to make that game into exactly what 6-year-old T-ball is supposed to be about: Fun, confidence-building, and community.
Despite the fact that we weren’t able to make our marriage work, I’ve always maintained that my ex is a phenomenal Dad. This weekend I was happy to see him spreading to others what our kids benefit from everyday. And in that moment I felt honored to be part of his family. www.rearrangingatoms.com
The truth is, I think there is good in almost all of our exs, otherwise, why would we have married them to begin with? It does everyone some good to take a step back and reflect on those qualities every now and then. And even more, to accept, or at least look past, the not-so-savory qualities for our kids' sake.
Jack
Truth is, my marriage got better when I started to cut slack, figure out when to accommodate rather than return to the unsatisfactory patterns & then when to really ask for more. Those shifts have helped us help each other more & I think we are both better at letting go -- over time. It sure takes time to make relationships work. You do not get good at them, in marriage or post marriage, immediately.