Dealing With The Death Of A Child

Q: I feel bad asking about this, but I have to. It's about the death of Jett Travolta. I have three children of my own, so I relate strongly to the pain the Travoltas must feel. I cannot even imagine what they're going through. I don't know how I could deal with it, and yet I find myself obsessed with the tragedy, looking for every picture or story I can find about it. That makes me feel bad and conflicted because I feel that it's disrespectful to the Travoltas. They should be allowed to mourn in private. But, here I am, buying the magazines, listening to the stories, and trying to find as much information as I possibly can.

I certainly don't want to judge the family, but I do wonder if they weren't in some way not being helpful to their son. Did they actually keep medication from him? Did their need to follow the tenets of a certain religious -- what should I call it? --cult, keep them from taking care of their son in the best way? Don't parents want to do everything they can for their children? Doesn't every lifestyle or belief have to take a back seat when it comes to children? Why did they let something else take precedence over the welfare of their child?

Then, another horrible thought comes to my mind. If Jett was so sick, isn't this ending, as horrible as it was, a relief for the Travoltas? How could they have continued to care for him? How could they have continued to watch him not fully engaged in life? How could they have told him, as any parent would, that things would get better? How could they have dealt with the constant pain of having a sick child?

I have a friend who just lost her elderly mother after a prolonged and debilitating illness. When she says she is happy that the struggle is over, we all just nod our heads. We understand. Our society accepts the passing of the elderly --
even sees it as a form of relief for the living. But a child's passing, no matter how painful the path has been, is a tragedy. Why can't we sometimes see the death of the young as we do the death of the old? Sometimes, both bring relief.

I am so glad this is an anonymous question.

A: The death of a child is so profoundly shocking - so contrary to the natural order of things - that anyone with a child is likely to find themselves dealing with their own pain and fear. There is no single correct way to handle the situation. There is no response that is the correct response. There is no single truth here except, of course, that no one can pass judgment on what another person feels. The only certainty I find when dealing with my own traumas and with the traumas of others is that no one wants to hear the words "I understand." In fact, you don't understand. You can't understand. Everyone responds differently. Everyone has a unique construct of emotions and experiences that they have to deal with when confronting a hard time. You may think you understand. You may want to understand. But you do not understand. So please, no general truths and no judgments. Just empathize and listen.

Now, let's deal with you and what your question reveals about yourself. If we cannot judge or understand the victims of immense tragedy we nevertheless can begin to understand ourselves. What issues or fears emerge for us? What are we sensitive to? What arises for us as we observe the pain of others? What are our values, our priorities, and our ways of coping with painful situations?

You talk about finding yourself obsessing about the tragedy and wanting to get as much information as you can about it. This is natural. People sometimes obsess about a tragedy because it enables them to distance themselves from it. The natural tendency is to try and find what distinguished this particular tragedy from your own life - how those differences ensure that this tragedy could not befall you. In your case, you wonder about the Travlotas' religious beliefs. They are unconventional and yours, I take it, are not. So maybe you think they failed to do something -- something that you would do. In your mind, they did not put their children first. In this way, you are basically saying that this could not happen to you. You have a different approach to child care. You put your children first. You can breathe a sigh of relief. You are safe. This tragedy will not befall you.

But for you, the really tough issue here is the thought that sometimes that death of a child - no matter how tragic - brings relief. Can the death be seen, in fact, as putting an end to a tragic life -- one that brought no joy to the child and was a painful burden to the parents? As you suggested, society does not accept that response. We expect emotional devastation to come from a child's death. We know it is not the normal path of life. A child should never predecease a parent. But, isn't it logical to think that a parent may nevertheless feel relief? Why would we judge a person as being deficient as a parent just because they are not fully destroyed by the loss? There are several things to consider.

Mainly, no judgments! Who knows how we would respond to a similar situation. There is no way to know and so there is no way to judge. Furthermore, there is no such thing as a standard way to love a child. What that means is that every parent has a different idea - a sincere idea - of what loving a child entails. Of course, I am not referring here to abhorrent behaviors or inflicting abuse on a child supposedly for their own good. I am talking about different approaches to parenting, approaches based on belief that you and I may not share but which do not, by themselves, suggest some kind of negligence. At the same time, any parent can understand an honest sigh of relief that one's child - one's beloved child - is no longer suffering. Somehow that makes sense. Somehow to some, that too, is love.

Many of us strongly support the right of a woman to abort a pregnancy that will result in the birth of a severely damaged child, especially if what follows is a life of pain. Many of us would object to bringing a child into a world if they cannot expect to have all the advantages of health, intelligence, and possibilities. So, how do we explain then the strong beliefs of a large portion of the population that a fetus is considered a human being, a person, from the moment of conception? Even if it is discovered that the child is afflicted with an abnormality and will result in a life of pain, abortion is not allowed. No matter what the expense, no matter what pain the future may hold, or for how short that path may be, that abnormal child is considered a gift and a joy. Therefore, it has to be accepted that not all parents want to relieve themselves or their children of a difficult path.

Most of us, though, would not have a clear feeling one way or the other. We probably have both feelings, but we do not reveal the feeling of relief because it may not be understood and accepted. I have always found that one of the truths of therapy is that the resolution of the problem is never absolutely clear. It sometimes involves accepting opposite poles of feelings. For instance, we can love and hate our parents at the same time. In other words, we can probably feel enormous pain and great relief at the same time.

Man always hopes for the best. With a sick child, a cure is always over the horizon - or so we pray. Even with a sick child, there may be moments of joy that offset the pain, and for some of us, maybe many of us, we firmly believe that the child's life comes first, no matter what the cost. That would be my response. No matter what. No matter how painful.

But I withhold judgment of those who feel or think or act differently. I don't question. I just listen. This tragedy, the one over which you obsess, teaches you something about yourself. You have understandably conflicted feelings. Both feelings are correct.

Comments

[sconsetkrizia]

I have known the Travoltas for over 15 years. They did everything they could possibly do to help Jett with his disability - everything - therapies, doctors, specialists, special caretakers for him as needed - creating a home environment that would help Jett in every and all ways. They have been incredibly loving and attentive parents with a child who had a difficult disability in life. Nothing from their religion interfered at all with giving Jett the most comfortable and loving environment possible.

[mamacat]

I have suffered through the illnesses and deaths in my own family, and I have no desire to judge someone else for how they deal with their own tragedies. For that reason I have not gone out of my way to read about this event, the death in this family, because to do so is just plain wrong.

At a time like this, we are all equal, and I wish only that this family is able to cope at this awful time.

[littlepuffycloud]

3 years ago, my 24 yr old nephew killed in an absolutely horrible accident involving alcohol and a train. Nobody can imagine the pain, guilt, shock and sadness my sister endured. Through her faith in God, she has come to terms and found peace, but nothing will erase how much she misses her son everyday. While she understood that well-meaning friends & co-workers don't know what to say, it meant the world to her when people did stammer an 'I'm so sorry', because that's all anybody can say. I believe one of her greatest fears is that people will forget her son, so I talk about funny things he said or memories of when our children were indeed children. Peope sometimes mistakenly think if the deceased child is mentioned, the parent will get sad. Nothing could be further from the truth. My sister continues to have bad days but mostly good ones now; her youngest son is only 14, so his needs kept her from going to bed and crying and staying there for days or weeks. I send her a sweet card on his birthday and the day he passed, because I want her to know I will alway remember him. Losing a child is not natural and very difficult for us to process and move through. Time does not heal all wounds, but the agony does decrease over time. My heart goes out to the Travoltas.

[floridamimi]

I can tell you that the Travolta family are still in shock. I lost my Mom in March and I was really sad about having to go through the holidays without her. Then, in early December, my son died. It was totally unexpected. He was 30 years old. .

Nothing I have ever gone through in my life prepared me for this. I am just coming back to reality. It is so overwhelming and painful. Is it true? Did it really happen?

NO parent should ever,ever have to bury a child. Even a sick child.

When the Dr. told me they tried for a long time to revive him, but could not get his heart started, he said I would not have wanted him to live that way and I looked right into the Drs eyes and said "YES I would.:
I hope no other parent has to feel this pain, ever. You cannot imagine. I

[littlepuffycloud]

I'm so sorry for your loss floridamimi.

[Cia2]

floridamimi - Not everyone goes into shock upon the loss of a child. We lost our beloved daughter in an accident 18 years ago, and neither my husband nor I went into shock but our 17 year old son did. Like you, I felt that nothing in life had prepared me for losing my child. When she died, I met my worst fears, my first despair, my greatest anger, my deepest and most enduring sadness, and later I identified self-pity and resentment ... but never did I feel shocked or numbed or out of touch or as though things weren't real. On the contrary, from the first moment I felt fully awake, fully present, fully alive, and filled with agonizing, twisting, tearing, shredding pain and a clear sense that our time together in body was over.

[research]

My deepest sympathies John and family.

[BlueZoo]

I will never forget my Mother's death and my Grandmother's reaction to it. When we were at the funeral home, my Grandmother was quietly weeping and said over and over again: "This isn't natural. Parents don't bury their children." Her grief was so enormous that it superceded my own but, then, I was burying my parent. She was burying her oldest child. I understood.

[cayuse]

You all of heard "let the butterfly go away and if it returns it really belogs to you"

Well, we do not own our children. They are souls passing through time and we have the privilage to share their lives. PERIOD. Yes, the physical bodies of the parent produce or maybe I should say reproduce them. Blood and cells of the parents. Science does not know how life begins or why life exist. Science can create the same chemicals and atoms of the mother and father into a test tube and life is not there.

Life comes from beyond material man and not by man himself. Parents receive this life but can not take credit for it beyond reproduction and parenting action themselves, as you state. Parent and society have a social responsibilities to support these precious beings in this material world. Parents share these great hearts within their hearts in this experience

When they leave this life as an aging physical body or a new born child. They leave to the join the energy from where they came, the real Father and Mother responsible for their life and ours.

[kellygrrrl]

let's see how everyone feels when they realize that with Bush's new "Objector" law the Scientologists direct their members to seek employment in pharmacies so that they can refuse to dispense psych. meds. Everyone is so focused on the birth control and ab0rtion issue -- but we're going to see a big problem in psychiatric medicine, as well.

[cayuse]

Case in point, "they are reading brain wave" as we speak and the CIA and Law Enforcement are identifying that this science will tell clearly whether a person recognice a place in time where they have been. Even if the refuse to testify that they have?

[Roxburghshire]

This is a tragic episode in a families life. It is not helped by speculation and rumor of what happened to the poor child and what his parents views are on issues to do with mental health. Lots of religions have views that the majority find difficult to find accept. As a catholic, I find my own churches teaching difficult, but people tend not to attack individuals for their churches beliefs. Mr and Mrs Travolta belong to a church that they get comfort from, with teachings that some people find questionable. Lets debate the teachings and leave the individuals alone.

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

I wish I could read this, but it frightens me too much. My reaction to hearing of the death of a child is to run away in every way I know how. I tried but couldn't even bring myself to read past the first few lines of the question. So, I guess I am the polar opposite of the person who asked the question...it's so awful to imagine the loss of a child that I cannot even read about it....sigh.

[Dr. Cara Barker - Huffpost Blogger]

I understand, Lauren. This is an abyss so huge, one that compels our asking the hardest questions of all, that it is not one that has alot of perks attached. Let yourself off the hook for now. Unfortunately, with time, the issue will come closer to your door, and all of ours, be it through the death of our own child, or that of a good friend's. This sounds morbid, I know.

In the meantime, enjoying life, living in a genuine and awakened way seems darn good preparation.

All the best your way,
Dr. Cara

[OtayPanky]

Dr Cara Barker: In the meantime, enjoying life, living in a genuine and awakened way seems darn good preparation.

===

You can say that only because you have no first hand experience. The truth is, there is no such thing as "good preparation" for losing a child.

We're all carrying around a pantsload of "stuff" - most of which we remain blissfully unaware of from day to day. Losing a child brings it from deep background to immediate foreground - and that experience defies all attempts to "prepare" oneself.