Q: Let me start off by telling you that I have a fabulous, active, and interesting life. I have had several profound and happy long-term relationships. My husband died after fifteen years of marriage and another long-term, live-in relationship ended after twenty years. But I hold onto dear, sweet memories of both men --no regrets! I have wonderful children and grandchildren and I enjoy managing my independent consulting firm which specializes in public relations for book publishers. I have many hobbies, including horseback riding. I travel a lot, and I still have the energy and the health for more lovers, even though I am approaching seventy.
Last week, an old male friend contacted me. My heart leapt and I began to fantasize about our connecting. Every time we had flirted in the past, it had either not been the right moment or there were other people in our lives and we just couldn't step away from our entanglements. But I always had him in the back of my mind and I thought that this could be our moment.
After several conversations, we tried to make plans to see each other. That is when the hammer fell. He casually told me that he couldn't get away the weekend I wanted because his girlfriend's family was coming in for a visit. That was the end of that conversation. I would never be the one to create problems for another woman.
But now I am very sad. I don't understand why with such a varied and full life I can still feel so empty and lonely. I guess I was hoping that me and my old friend would finally connect and that he would be the next great love of my life. Do you think a vibrant 70 year old can still meet and have fun with someone?
A: This feels like Shakespeare's wonderful and wise quote, "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much." First comes your tender feelings for "the other woman" -- "I would never be the one to create problems for another woman." Do you know this other woman? Are you responsible for her? Or, more to the point, are you magically responsible for what this man wants to do with you and to his live-in lover? If you want to seize the pleasure of a fleeting moment for yourself, I would say "go ahead." Don't hesitate because of your presumed responsibility to an unknown woman but dohesitate because this relationship would surely be brief. Your morality is intact. His is in question! He has shown you many times over that he cannot sustain a long-term commitment and that he has little respect for another person's dignity. He is the one who lives for the moment, not you. He takes what pleasure he wants, not you. Well, either trump him at his own game and take what you want for yourself, or -more to the point -- walk away knowing what you left and why you left it.
You protest too much also about the quality of your life. It's wonderful. You have no complaints. Certainly you have constructed a life for yourself that is full and joyous and ... And yet, this relationship disappointment opened up a fear of loneliness that's been lurking under the surface for awhile.
You may not have dealt with loneliness and the fear of being alone at the traumatic deaths of two of your loved ones. At the time that was a good coping mechanism. But fear of being alone is not an emotion that can be held down forever. Your pride in your independence may have kept you from approaching your other loved ones, like your children. You probably like the image of the joyful and energetic older woman and I think you may not want your kids to perceive you as vulnerable, needy, tired or sad. But grieving doesn't have to be forever and you may be surprised to know that your adult children would be thrilled to be of help and to take care of you a little. They know that your basic, active personality will not let you stay down for long and that you will soon be back to your full activity level.
Your question of whether a 70 year old can find a man is one that a lot of women are asking. Women outnumber men and GOOD women certainly outnumber good men. But if anybody has a chance, you do! You have a positive attitude. You enjoy a lot of different things. You remain sexy, and you would certainly be an asset to any relationship.
But you may also be asking if you will be lonely for the rest of your life. It seems to me that even if you can't find a man, those kids and grandkids will give you a different kind of love and your job and hobbies will keep you active and busy in a different kind of way. As I have said before, "life is a series of little lives", and this little life of yours may not include a man, but it will include an abundance of love. That will make you life truly "fabulous, active and interesting."