How To Take Responsibility For Your Actions

Q: My 15-year-old daughter just had someone break up with her by a cell phone message. Needless to say, she is upset, but I am outraged!!! What is going on here? People have completely forgotten about a sense of etiquette, politeness, and good manners?

I know how to handle the discussion of broken dreams, heartbreak, and the love lessons for the future. But I don't know how to keep the conversation focused on what's important without expressing my extreme distaste for the current values system and the modes of behavior in my daughter's age group. If I am too old-fashioned, won't my attempts to be both consoling and wise be tossed aside because, in my daughter's eyes, I just don't get it? Up until this time, my relationship with my daughter has been the usual one of mother and adolescent daughter some days good, some days bad and always tenuous. Still, I believe that we are able to communicate. Most of the time, she does listen to me, enjoy me and follows my rules of dating, curfew, etc. She is a good student and athlete and I have never really worried about her. I have always liked the young girls and boys that she has brought around, and I even liked this long-term boyfriend before all of this happened.

Am I just out of touch?

A: Frankly, if what you are feeling is "out of touch," then you have company. I must be out of touch, too.

I was appalled when I heard about a new phone service that lets the caller avoid the person he's ostensibly calling. Actually I don't even understand how it works. Supposedly, if you do not want to talk to someone because you have something painful to say --like "We need to break up"-- you can leave a message with no fear that the person will pick up while you're on the line. In that way, the rejected person will hear the recorded declaration that "This is the end!" - and never be able to ask that awful question, "Why?" The rejected person has that right - it was an implied part of the relationship to begin with - or to express anger or disgust or disappointment. This is no way to treat a lady - actually, anyone. Move over. I'm as outraged as you!

I have been concerned for a while about many indications that we may be headed toward a world without real and honest human contact. If our lives are more interesting when we are on the computer in our own private room, then why would we choose to leave that room? I have written before about the potential dangers of virtual reality sites that remove us to from the unpleasant realities of our own lives and transport us to a perfect world that we have created for ourselves. I have also watched with curiosity and alarm as we seem to become more and more interested --maybe obsessed is the better word-- in the lives of others, either celebrities or the now-you-see-them, now-you-don't contestants on reality shows. Does all this make us more detached from reality? Do we think our lives ought to consist only of ecstatic moments that will somehow interest others? Don't we anymore think that our lives are enriched by intimacy with others - communicating openly about not only who we honestly are, but also about fears, hopes, dreams, frailties, etc.? Instead, we just live to create an exciting persona for ourselves -- to be famous and to have no real responsibility for our actions.

I know that there are many people who work to make the world better. And, I know that there are many wonderful people who are satisfied with and enjoy the lives they have. And yet, at the same time, the more we are given the chance to avoid painful situations, the more we will do so. Who would want to take on adult responsibilities if we could remain childish and not have any responsibility for our actions? Who doesn't want someone else to clean up after us? Who would want to face a jilted lover if it can be avoided? But, the point is, you do have to. It's the only way to grow up.

If we don't learn for ourselves the painful consequences of our actions, then we learn nothing. We remain child-like -- not charming and cute, but emotionally messy and irresponsible. Remember that it used to be said that a young child can only learn the dangers of a hot stove by touching it. Perhaps we don't have to go to that extreme, but we do have to experience life for ourselves. We do have to take responsibility for our actions. We do have to see the pain our actions can cause. We do have to feel our own discomfort when faced with our wrong decisions. We cannot always remain children - too young to know better, too young to be punished for what's been done. Adults should -- and usually do -- know better. We take responsibility. We face our mistakes. We learn from our mistakes. We take responsibility for our actions. We want to become better people. We should all strive to be "mensches."

So, back to your daughter. How does all of this relate to her? I believe quite strongly that you are right to distinguish between the hurt she is feeling and the lesson she should learn about how an adult should act. There are numerous moments in our children's lives that as parents we want to put them inside a tank and protect them from pain or rejection. But the truth is, it is important to learn about pain early on, to feel it early on, and to get on with your life in the intelligent embrace of the family. This is the moment for your daughter to see that she can survive pain, that life goes on. This is the moment, too, for her to learn something about the type of person she wants to love and to trust.

And who is that type of person? Certainly, someone who is brave enough and honest enough to talk directly and openly with her about what went wrong in their relationship. If there is no communication, the best relationship cannot survive. Her boyfriend had no idea how to work through an issue or, barring that, merely tell her that it's over. He's young, he's immature, he's inexperienced and he is all sorts of things that tend to exculpate him for what he did. But he's also a jerk -and you daughter should know it. You're never too young to act like a man.

So, if you are honest with your daughter about the way her ex handled their breakup, then you are doing her a favor -- giving her an all-important life lesson. She can decide for herself if she agrees with you and whether she has learned from this guy to now pursue relationships with young men who are brave, honest, and able to face the consequences of their actions.

Here's to a world that is honest, real, and -- still important -- polite!

Comments

[klaatukat]

We also need to take responsibility for the debt spiral we and are families are falling into. The motto today is: I consume, therefore I am broke.

I find myself cringing when I think about making a purchase—any impulse to buy any item that is really and truly outside the realm of a staple. I think “CONSUMER”-- a kind of never satisfied monster devouring more goods ever day. A financial version of Jabba the Hut with a wallet.

There are more and more ways to spend money. Every other ad on television is either for a car or a restaurant or fast food place. Sprinkled among these calls for consumption are ads for beer or cosmetics and pharmaceuticals—“Hey—let’s all get made-up, get drunk, pig out and pop a few pills! But make sure you’ve filled up the tank in the new car because the price of a gallon of gas is still more than it should be.” Here I am about to consume and what exactly is on the other end of that increasingly scary spectrum—PRODUCER? Where are more and more of these things being produced? Not here. Not anymore. . And just suppose, those countries decide, for whatever reason—political, financial, or the wrath of nature—they can no longer send us all this STUFF either at all or for so few dollars?

Maybe it is time to take a step back and have second thoughts before buying. It really shouldn’t be a hobby.
klaatukafe

[klaatukat]

We also need to take responsibility for the debt spiral we and our families are falling into. It seems that the motto today is "I consume, therefore I am………………….broke."
I find myself cringing when I think about making a purchase—any impulse to buy any item that is really and truly outside the realm of a staple. I think “CONSUMER”-- a kind of never satisfied monster devouring more goods ever day. A financial version of Jabba the Hut with a wallet.

There are more and more ways to spend money. Every other ad on television is either for a car or a restaurant or fast food place. Sprinkled among these calls for consumption are ads for beer or cosmetics and pharmaceuticals—“Hey—let’s all get made-up, get drunk, pig out and pop a few pills! But make sure you’ve filled up the tank in the new car because the price of a gallon of gas is still much higher than it should be.” Here I am about to consume and what exactly is on the other end of that increasingly scary spectrum—PRODUCER? Where are more and more of these things being produced? Not here. Not anymore. Just suppose, those countries decide, for whatever reason—political, financial, or the wrath of nature—they can no longer send us all this STUFF either at all or for so few dollars?
Maybe it is time to take a step back and have second thoughts before buying. It really shouldn’t be a hobby.
Klaatukafe

[Agentlady007]

Extremely good article.
However, in my opinion, 15 year old girls who break up with their boyfriend or visa versa, do not want to talk to their mothers about it. They talk to their girlfriends.

The science of survival is different under different circumstances and influences.

Relationships that don't last are unable to work on an emotional tone scale of happiness.
Neither feels worthy of eachother. Or one does and the other doesn't . Move on.
Once a person examines the details of what was right and what wasn't, and starts to see lies and motives of peril, people will run. The smart ones anyway.

No reason, no codes, no ethics, no decency, no truth, no life are the hard and fast rules of the apathy case.

Self respect is a personal journey. Regardless of acts against others, taking responsibilty is the most important attention you can give yourself.

Taking responsibility requires a command for affinity.

[kanester]

Our children are who we teach them to be. The mother should handle her outrage at the method on her own, then find out what is most painful for her daughter (the dumping? the way she was dumped? the inability to find closure?) and help her get through this. As a bonus, she could remind her daughter whenever she sees her repeating this hit-and-run behavior how bad that made her feel (if it was a problem that registered with the daughter) AND she could remind her that she (mom) believes in facing conflict head on. Oh, and mom better be prepared to back up her beliefs with consistent action or the effort is wasted.

[daddigrace]

15?? I got dumped via e-mail from a woman who's 36 years old. How's that for maturity?

[Swerinjer]

Sometimes you have to be mean to get the message across.

[MarceloAbans]

If there is an ability to do it easy or eliminate blame from yourself then people can and will use it. There's really nothing that can be done but hug the child and tell them it's going to be ok. The love or emotions that they may feel doesn't mean any less than just because they are young, it's just new. Think of your favorite meal and how you came to love it. Doesn't make it any less yummy now that you maybe older than when you 1st discovered it. All she can do is ride it out..

[whatzerkitty]

Over ten years ago, my long-term boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. Long before text messaging. This has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with the fact that sometimes people are just rude. In addition, children are not created in a vacuum. That sort of behavior is reflective of bad parenting. The way parents let their kids rule the house these days, is the bigger travesty.

[lioness39]

I loved the picture used; the photo of the male lion being accosted by the lioness is priceless.

[KillgoreTrout43]

I was waiting for some man hater to make that connection. What's so priceless about violence? Accosted? You think that is admirable? One of the most foolish things I've seen in my life is a woman trying to emulate a man, or the worst behaviors of men. Why would a woman degrade herself so?

[jstowe100]

You need to look up the word "accost" in the dictionary. It's about as violent as "approach."

And by the way, the lioness wasn't attacking the male. She was roaring. That's how lions communicate.

[HoneyBQuick]

Killgore? More like Killjoy.

I'm sorry, you seem to have dropped your sense of humor. Perhaps you should go look for it and leave the rest of us to our dumb jokes and happy laughter.

[WriterGirl]

You know, I really hate that this happens, but this is an important lesson for all teenagers. We are live in a society where people are now getting fired by text message and e-mail. It not only saves the manager - and the company - the unpleasant consequences, but it is quite efficient and cost effective. The premium set by society on interpersonal relationships has not been lower in my lifetime.

We tend to excuse bad behavior in business, neglecting the fact that it is pervasive. It is showing up in other areas of our lives and is now a fact that all adults deal with. Was the boyfriend a jerk? You bet. But getting hot and bothered about it as a parent is a waste of energy, because when it comes to the pool of boys this young girl will date from, he has lots and lots of company with regard to his interpersonal philosophy. This is a simple lesson learned in growing up. It is preparing her for adult life.

[KillgoreTrout43]

It is cowardice, pure and simple. We are becoming a nation of cowards, consisting of various cowardly acts. Like shouting for war (as long as one doesn't actually have to fight in that war).

[Checquoline]

How old was the kid doing the breaking up? If he was also 15 then this whole thing is silly. What are 15 year olds doing getting this serious. These are kids, they don't know how to act. Parents....have you told your 15 year old how to break up with someone? I doubt it.

[DarkHelmut9er]

Right on the money!

[Jonahson]

In the beginning more on phyical comfort like hugging, lending an ear and a shoulder to cry on. Once the bawling becomes sobs and the sobs become long stare then tell her what she should know about the facts of life. After the storm blows over then make her a cup of hot chocolate.
Just don't make it a lecture nor too long and boring.
Finally get a smile from her and your work for the night has been done.