Q: My husband, Mark, is having some real issues.
Mark is an extremely successful and high-powered executive. He started as a clerk and ended up as the president of a fairly large public company. He was always a great gambler and consequently the company benefited from the many risks he took. As he flourished, so did the company. It is now time, though, for him to retire. Of course, he'll leave with a bundle, a sizeable pension, life insurance, club memberships and has even been offered the chairmanship of the company's philanthropic arm. So, even with this horrible economy, he'll be well off and, what's more, the philanthropy will give him the standing in the community that he has always cherished. He may not be CEO, but he'll be far from being a nobody.
Needless to say, Mark does not want to retire. His argument is that it is not his choice, he's not ready to go and, what's more, the company can ill afford to let him go. He feels that he's being pushed out by younger executive who have their careers, and not the company's needs, foremost in their minds. He feels that these execs have gone behind his back to the board of directors and convinced them that he has to go.
Mark is making it difficult for everyone to move to the next phase. He's standing firm. He won't budge. I am afraid a confrontation of some sort looms and it will create more of a public humiliation than any forced retirement. The next CEO has privately warned me that Mark cannot win his fight. The Board has made its decision. If anything, I am afraid that they will publicly force him out and withhold some of the benefits now being offered him. He will not listen to that and does not believe that is true.
I don't know what to do. He is expending a lot of energy continuing to run the company while, at the same time, trying to find supporters on the board of directors and within the company itself. The moment will come when they will just forcibly push him out.
Will he lose everything? Will he then just sit at home depressed?
A: TRANSITION!!!! Always difficult.
In fact, I have found that most problems that bring people into therapy have underlying transitional issues. Any change in one's life, good or bad, can be difficult to accept. Divorce, empty nest, college, death, illness, childbirth, moving to a new city or to a new home are all examples of transitions. Usually one makes it through these life changing events but they do take their toll and usually while in the middle of the transition it can create high anxiety or low depression. One has to accept the loss of the old situation and to adjust to the new identity or rhythm of one's life.
The transition that your husband is undergoing involves the loss of power, position and platform - in short, everything he values. For the successful or ambitious person, this amounts to the loss of everything that has motivated them throughout their lives. Your husband does not seek a calmer life or a life without risks. This is not his idea of satisfaction. Your husband has probably never fully respected others who do what your husband is now being asked to do. Whoever now heads the company's philanthropic arm is probably not someone he even paid much attention to. Your husband makes money; the other guy just gives it away.
Mark does not need money. What he needs is a fast pace, the thrill of taking a risk, the visibility that comes with celebrity. He, like other successful people, does not truly believe that the company can thrive without him. So if the company says it can do better without him, then the company is in effect betraying both him and its own ideals. No one can do as well as he can. He is the leader. No one else can lead as well as he can. No one, in short, is he.
You, on the other hand, state that "even with this horrible economy" Mark will remain financially secure and he will continue to exert influence by doling out grants. Those are your values. They are not your husband's. The corporation has made the same mistake. Its offered him a sop and expects him to be happy -- take it or leave it...or leave the company entirely. It has set up a collision of sorts. You are right to be concerned. An explosion is on the horizon.
Look, this is a very rough time for your husband. Don't fight his sense of betrayal. He is being betrayed - kicked upstairs (or wherever) before he is ready to go. You can support his sense of grievance here and you can return to the same executive who told you Mark has to go and tell him to make it a noble, wonderful, grateful exit. The company should recognize your husband as an irreplaceable leader. In time, he will come to realize that he's not. There's no such thing. But by that time, the transition will have run its course.
In the end, Mark may find pleasure in running the philanthropy--or he'll find something else of his own choosing. The passage of time may even find him wanting to do little more than be a grandfather. Look, it's happened to others.
Successful people, your husband included, are too motivated to not be able to find success in whatever they do. Just remember that he would not have been a success in the first place if he had a different personality. If he was malleable or calm or accepting, he'd still be a clerk and the company would still be as unimportant as Mark found it.
I predict Mark will make it through this transition. It will be a bumpy ride. It always is. Just stay on his side until he himself finally sees what's best for him.