Sleeping With The Enemy: What To Do If The Election Ruined Your Relationship

Q: I feel like I am a casualty of the election. Barack Obama may have yet another war or disaster to solve. My husband and I have been arguing since November 4th and we are almost incapable of speaking at the moment.

We have been married for thirty-five years. We have two children and three grandchildren. Our marriage has been what I would consider a normal one. We met in college and settled in Wisconsin after school. My husband worked his way up in the same manufacturing company that he began working in over thirty years ago, and we raised a family. Our children live in opposite ends of the country. We barely see them. We had interests. We played tennis. We enjoyed our church life. Nothing thrilling. But nothing terrible, either.

My husband and I have usually agreed on almost everything. But this election has certainly brought out our differences. In college, like many college kids at the time, we were activists. We believed in freedom and equality. Of course we were against the Vietnam War and we both thought women should have sexual freedom. In fact, we had so much sexual freedom that I walked down the aisle pregnant.

As our responsibilities grew, so did our pragmatic shift to more conservative views. We didn't compromise our ideals, but we believed in accountability, individual freedom from government, and the ability to grow a nest egg and provide for our children by not having onerous taxes.

This election though I felt was a bit different. Almost all of our church friends were for John McCain. Not me. I wondered about Obama's ability to deal with the current financial crisis, but I was impressed with his ability to draw in diverse groups of people, to bring them hope, and to excite the world. I wanted very much to be a part of the movement that Obama was creating and I wanted to feel the pride that electing a black president would bring me and the country. My husband seemed to understand all that, but he felt even stronger that I was abandoning the moderately conservative ideals he and I had shared for so long.

When Obama won, I was overwhelmed. I watched his speech and I was in tears. For days I was glued to the television as I watched the euphoria that swept the country.

My husband on the other hand, was glued to the financial cable stations. His cursing of Obama kept growing as the market kept declining. It is almost as if he blamed the election of Obama for the decline of the stock market. I tried to remind him that the market was declining under a conservative Republican president, not a liberal president-elect. His response is that I am "stupid"--his exact word. I tell him he is a completely "insensitive boor"--my exact words. I don't know anymore what happened to the man I met at a campus protest for equal rights. We are on the verge of separating.

Have any other couples found themselves in such a predicament?

A: Yes! Many couples have found themselves in your situation. But other couples have had the similar problems - and not because of politics or an elections. Your marital woes do not sound like they are product of the election. They sound more like they are a product of a marriage gone stale - just a plain old mid-life crisis for you both. I think you guys just didn't have the courage to face your boredom head-on when your kids first left the house. It took the election to bring you back to the days when you had enthusiasm for political causes. It took the election for you to remember that you once found life exciting.

You're not the only couple to disagree about politics. Political TV commentators James Carville and Mary Matalin come to mind. Ehud Olmert, the Israeli Prime Minister, could never count on his wife's support during elections - not even her vote. Couples can agree to disagree. This is especially the case when their actual political beliefs are less important than the respect they have for each other -the soundness of their views, their enthusiasm, their commitment. That sort of relationship may be based on a healthy dose of humor or they may find other pursuits as central to their life Family, hobbies, religion, life-style, and philanthropy are a few of the other interests that couples may find helpful to developing a strong, healthy relationship.

But you and your husband didn't seem to have any of that. Your description of your marriage is noteworthy for what seems to be lacking: joy, laughter, or pleasure. In fact, I found it interesting that your children moved far away and that you don't rush to see them or your grandchildren. I suspect that your household was always a joyless one. That doesn't mean you were not good parents. You took care of your kids, provided for them and did not shirk your parental roles. In fact, I think you so acutely felt a sense of personal accountability that even when the kids gave you the freedom to move on, you still stayed stuck in the old rhythms and the old identity.

I am not sure if your husband finds himself itching to experience some new paths and some new identities. But you sure are - dropping clues all over the place. You're hardly involved in your children's lives. You're hardly involved with your grandchildren, either. You did not mention anything that has real meaning in your life. You just noted some "interests" - a little tennis. You did not mention cherished friendships. Little wonder then that Obama's message of "Change" resonated so strongly for you. And little wonder, too, that your husband -sensing your desire for change - so resents the president elect.

Sitting before the TV, watching the country embrace "Change" brought you to tears. The country is moving in a new direction. All you need is the same courage to do the same. It's time for you to move on and find your new identity.

Comments

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

Oh wow. I'm sorry to tell you, but you grew in your marriage and throughout life, and your husband seemed to have well, stayed the same if not regressed.

To call you "stupid" when in fact, I believe the opposite is true, is a bad sign of where your relationship is. Perhaps it's time for a change.

I lost a long time friend to his support of epublicans and McCain. He couldn no longer discuss issues without hands failing and insulting me...and calling me stupid. When I tried to send him supporting facts, he said "stop sending me this crap and insulting my intelligence." So I did.

My favorite and deciding moment was when he said that "yeah, I like Palin...I mean, she has all those kids so she puts out." I didn't even ask if he was being serious....as this came out of the mouth of a 41 year old man.

We never spoke again....it was time for a change.

[eXcommunicate]

On the contrary to this article. I think the fact that my gf and myself were so pro-Obama together and pro-Democratic that the landslide win in the election seems to leave a hole in our relationship, believe it or not! lol

[Ohsnap]

I also think that the right wing did a good job of painting Obama as an America-hating, terrorism-loving, gun-hating Muslim (and unfortunately, Muslim as meant to spark negative thoughts). Though most of the people rejected this soundly, there is still an element of fear among those who weren't comfortable with Obama.

[Ohsnap]

Wow, I guess I didn't read that much into the reader's predicament. I am guessing that the husband thought he knew everything about is wife and she would agree with him about choosing McCain. It was probably a surprise to him, and men sometimes take it as rejection when women stray so far from what men perceive as acceptable values. Or he could be thinking--wow, if my wife wants change so much (in choosing Obama) what does she want to change about ME?

Women, I think, make the mistake of thinking men are grown men and automatically understand why women react and behave like they do (in this case selecting a President). Men are territorial--if anyone strays out of the fenced in yard, they have an immediate reaction of reeling it in and punishing
it for not adhering to rules. Men are by nature disciplinarians. I'm willing to bet that once the husband realizes that Obama is inherently male and likes discipline (just look at the tight ship he ran during his campaign--anyone creating drama was immediately fired), he will be okay with it.

Sounds like the husband is going through the five stages of grief in losing the election.

[BlueBoomer]

Since early 2007, Joe Biden was "the other man" in my long-term relationship!

Ironically, that Saturday AM it was announced publically on TV that Obama had chosen him for his running mate, we were doin' the horizontal!... Love that "O"!

[Lahonda]

Sex while the TV's on... is that like thinking about baseball?

[sarimn00]

Well, I am pretty sure Thanksgiving in our family will be a blast, not that probably makes anyone feel better. Half Dems and the other half are extremely social conservative types. (and sore losers).

I also learned during the 2004 election not to date a Republican. I don't think I ever will again. I'm not super liberal, but it just doesn't work...maybe there are better people out there than me?

[cobobs]

As the country has polarized politically, it has become an important consideration. Visceral disdain for liberals started in the Reagan years, and liberals really began to return the favor during the last four years, and it is at an intensity now that could sour most cross political relationships.

[KarateKid]

Welcome to the crowd, lady. In my family, I have one sister. She has three grown kids. I have three grown kids. All of us voted for Obama. My brother in law works for Focus on The Family, so guess how they voted? My poor mother, caught in the middle. Our political split became fierce when McCain chose Palin. We can no longer even have family get togethers (how's that for an oxymoron?). There are hard feelings on their part; we are gloating with relief that Mooselini didn't become VP.

It's amazing to me how people cannot face the reality of just how incompetent this administration really is. We taught our kids to think for themselves; my sister and brother in law taught their children to think like James Dobson says. Well, we all know how lukewarm he was to McCain prior to the selection of Palin.

It was Palin who drove a stake between us (collectively), not McCain. I suspect my story is pretty rampant throughout the country.

[Lahonda]

"Mooselini"... hahahaha I love that!

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

Sorry to hear that. My parents loved Bush in the beginning and I would just look at them with disbelief and ask them "are you really my parents?" Over the years, of course, I was proven right....and that felt pretty good. This time, I actually convinced them to vote for Obama to "save their grandson's future"....and they did....because I reminded them of our differences on Bush and who was right in the end.... the near end of our country that is. I think they know that they raised their child well....and they feel good about that.

Apparently, you raised your children well....and kudos to you for that.

[Budokan]

I would never under any circumstance have a relationship with a winger. Who needs that drama in their life? Besides, I enjoy the company of intelligent women who possess the capacity for self-reflection. A hard right winger, by necessity, fails on both those scores. So it's a non-starter as far as I'm concerned.....

[ConcernedAboutRFuture]

Too bad I'm married.....'cause you're my kind of guy. You don't need a sheep in you life.

[BartLA]

The husband sounds quite resentful. Perhaps of the choices he made. His scapegoating Obama for the stock market and recession is obvious. And obviously aimed at his wife. Sir, this whole notion that the Republicans are the fiscally conservative ones...how'd that work out for you over the last 8 years? I bet you voted for Bush. Twice. Maybe you need to direct your anger in the mirror.

The wife says they "had" interests. Past tense. I think she is waking up to the fact she's not dead yet and would like to embrace some life for a change. Go for it. If the husband doesn't want to choose "life" with you, then choose what's right for you, lady... whatever that is. Cultivate happiness.

[brooklyncitizen]

Political ideology is a deal breaker. There are still enough differences among Democrats to keep it interesting so why on earth would you date a Republican if you aren't one? THe nice ones are misguided and they are few of those. THe rest are brittle, narrow, judgemental, defensive and stingy.

[Ohsnap]

My husband was vehemently against Obama back in February. He was repeating all that nonsense that the right wingers were spewing about him. His boss believed all of it. I kept arguing with him about these things--including the WHO CARES IF HE WAS MUSLIM argument. He is the most stubborn man alive (aren't they all), and a McCain vote looked imminent.

He sat down and watched his acceptance speech at the Democratic convention, and he was a changed man. Not saying this will happen with everyone. But at some point, my husband decided to at least hear Obama out.

There are a lot of people who can be persuaded by negative campaigning--he is still arguing with people who think its okay to call blacks that awful word--which my husband would himself use until his sisters and I had yelled at him enough times abgout it. Now he does not use the word. Not quite sure if it was because our area is trending more Democratic, my constant pestering, or my husband's own self-realization.

Obama has quite a few people to win over. And there will be some he never will win over.

[hip dibler]

Life's too short to be palling around with unrepentant republicans.

[Budokan]

I never pal around with GOPers. I despise them so why would I hang around with one?

[cktirumalai]

While I understand Mona Ackerman's analysis of the marital situation as the expression of hidden problems, I think politics can make strangers of erstwhile bedfellows.

[Michale32086]

}}}
His response is that I am "stupid"--his exact word.
{{{

Ouch... If I had said that to my lovely wife of 27 years, there would be many MANY cold nights on the couch..

Michale.....