11/16/2011 05:12 pm ET Updated Jan 16, 2012

Darth Vader vs. Billie Jean: The Justin Bieber Paternity Lawsuit

Thank God our dear celebrities have not been running short of scandals lately.

So who's been bad?

Well, take your pick! There's plenty to choose from: Republican runner-up Herman Cain is giving us a remake of Clarence Thomas' sexual harassment episode; Kim Kardashian just made history entering the annals of shortest celebrity marriages; and Lindsay Lohan was again incarcerated... for a minute.

So ok, we got some sense of closure in our quest for the truth with the recent unanimous verdict convicting Doctor Conrad Murray of involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. But what chance did he really stand when he was the scapegoat from the get-go? Clearly, even dead The King of Pop had the better publicist -- I'm just saying!

After all, justice had to be done, which brings me now to the crucial question that's really been on everybody's mind: will "Justin" prevail?

Ask the "Bieliebers" who are taking to twitter, Facebook and all other imaginable social media platforms their defense arguments in what is perhaps -- at least in my opinion -- the most interesting, no less juiciest scandal du jour: the case of the paternity lawsuit filed against teen idol Justin Bieber by the 20 year-old Mariah Yeater, who until now lived most of her life in total obscurity -- except for her short-lived 15 minutes of fame courtesy of a mug-shot taken in the city of Sin. Obviously, what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas! At least, not when the biggest young pop star in the world is concerned.

What Bieber just managed to give us -- besides another potential remake of George Michael's public restroom stunt -- is the ultimate manly man combat also known as "Darth Vader Vs Billie Jean." Whether the young heartthrob will come out of it singing "the kid is not my son" or confessing "I am your father," doesn't really matter. Why? Because either way, Justin Bieber will not only survive this baby-drama ruckus, but also, and most importantly, he will come out a hero.

Consider the only two possible scenarios: guilty or innocent. In the case of a guilty verdict rendered by the pending paternity test, which the Canadian teen Idol agreed to comply with upon completion of his current European professional engagements, all he'll have to do is come clean about his "boy bad" sexual (experimental) fiasco, recognize the child as his, vouch to be a good daddy to his newborn son, and then go on to make a stint on MTV's Sixteen and Pregnant.

The entire world will then forgive him in the blink of an eye and applaud his brave act of redemption. Similarly, if a "not guilty" decision is reached he'll just walk away as the poor victim paying the gruesome price of his own intergalactic fame. It's nothing new in the celebrity PR world. No matter what the end result will be, Justin Bieber will benefit from it. As Madonna once said, there's no such thing as bad publicity. And if the likes of Rod Stewart, Eddie Murphy, Steve Jobs, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jay Z survived the false (or true) paternity claims so can the "Baby Baby" crooner.

What we should really be looking at when dissecting this oh-so entertaining scandal, is the fact that Bieber just officially christened his grand entrance into adulthood. If he were looking for a way to smoothly transition from his bubble-gum teen stigma to a more mature and virile image, he just got it delivered on a silver plate -- or perhaps court order would be more apropos? The bottom line is that Bieber secured himself the perfect role for the perfect coming-of-age story of our times.

The only glitch is that someone obviously forgot to fill him in on the gig.

"I'm going to be a target, but I'm not going to be a victim," said Justin Bieber on The Today Show. This is as clear as the traditional "it's not you, it's me" nonsensical breakup line. As comedian Sandra Valls says: "no shit it's you!" Now I'm not insinuating that Bieber is guilty, I'm just saying that denying he's a victim goes against the claim that he's innocent.

But this is coming from a teen pop sensation who clearly has already toured the world yet whom when interviewed on New Zealand's Select Live couldn't identify the word "German" much less figure out its meaning. When asked in a playful "true or false" game if "Bieber is German for basketball," he replied "I don't know what that means... we don't say that in America." I hope he meant America as a continent hence including his own country (Canada) in the pack, otherwise it's safe to say he should perhaps consider going back to school to at least master his geography knowledge (or lack thereof).

"Judge me on my music," he then concluded. Are you sure Justin? How about let's not!
If there were one thing he should definitely be judged on, it would have to be his impressive alleged 30 seconds bathroom performance with Miss Yeater. That might very well qualify as having broken a world-record. Hasn't his swagger-coach taught him anything?

So just how many women want Justin Bieber now? Well at least one who is obviously very publicly upset he didn't give her the time of the day -- figuratively and (allegedly) literally speaking.

One thing we know for certain is that the Teen of Pop no longer is, and that Anakin Skywalker has fully grown into his Darth Vader persona. The "Beaver against Man'Yeater" case only goes to show that, if nothing less, Justin is a real man now.

May the force be with him!

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