"You are worthless and you'll never amount to anything!"
So said my ex when we were still in the throes of unraveling our marriage. And today I want to officially thank him. Little did he know when he said those hurtful, pain-searing words, that he was doing me a favor. In his own, offhanded way, he was encouraging me to fly the coop, and be something more--without him. Turns out, it was just the push I needed. Which is how I became Rocky Balboa.
He said this one night when I was begging him to stay and work it out. Just a month earlier, on the night of our 12th anniversary, he'd told me that he was no longer attracted to me. It felt like a punch in the gut, completely and utterly debilitating, but soon I figured out why I had become persona non grata. There was another woman.
All I could think of was how it was me who put him through school. Now, when he'd finally earned his PhD and was starting his career, he was moving on with a young graduate student who had caught his eye. So I did what only a wife and mother of two small children could do: I tossed aside my dignity and desperately pleaded for a second chance, promising to change and become the woman I thought he wanted me to be. Anything to hold on to our marriage. Anything to keep our family intact. Which is when he delivered his second punch:
You are worthless and you'll never amount to anything.
My initial reaction was to fall apart. Like a masochist, I mulled the words in my head, again and again, drawing them in and picking at the wounds they left on my spirit. Was it true? Was what he was saying my destiny? Not wanting to believe the worst, my survival instincts kicked in and convinced me that, if I could show him he was wrong, he'd surely want me back.
So I became Rocky Balboa, resolved to win the world championship. I would not be that woman who doesn't amount to anything, who believes what she's told and wallows in self-pity and low self-esteem. Instead, I'd be Rocky or, maybe even Meryl Streep, determined to win my first Oscar. I'd be the little engine that could, and I'd be Dumbo, about to take my first flight over the Big Top.
According to my ex, the odds were not in my favor. Yet I wasn't going to be the one to take it on the chin. So my mantra became, "I will prove him wrong, I will prove him wrong."
I had some big hurdles to overcome. Besides, my marriage unraveling, I was pounding the pavement in search of a job. Having stayed home to raise my kids, I had been out of the workforce for nearly two years. I was also coming to terms with my mother's Alzheimer's, and my father's kidney dialysis treatments, which were causing him to lose the will to live.
I will prove him wrong, I kept telling myself. I will prove him wrong, and in my own way, I did. Though it took time, and in that time something happened that surprised me. While I started out to prove him wrong, along the way, I proved myself right. It was a long, harsh road, with hurdles at every turn, but I kept at it. And, with each step forward, I felt exhilarated, as if I'd achieved another milestone. The Rocky Balboa drive was in me, the need to show I could do it. Then one day I realized I'd had. I'd awoken and found my voice.
It took a few years but I finally got the job I wanted, working for a place that thrives on creativity and people who are passionate about their work. Three years after that, I was able to buy a home and turn it into my very own haven. I also raised my children to be thoughtful, caring adults and found time to spend with the people who mean so much to me. And, I returned to my first love, writing. Indeed, I found my bliss.
So if I ever do win the heavyweight championship--or even an Oscar--I'll be sure to express my gratitude to all who have been there for me. And I'll be sure to thank my ex, too. For I'm pretty sure he doesn't know how his words helped shape the person I am today. Oh, and how I became Rocky Balboa. Yeah, that's me. Rocky.
That is an awful thing for anyone to say.
It is even worse for the person hearing it be said to take it to heart in any way that causes negative emotions.
How does the saying go ...? When cold and wet you still have a choice.
You can be cold and wet. Or you can be cold and wet and miserable.
I'm not Rocky yet, I'm still kind of Adrienne in the pet shop, but I'm working on it.
It makes me wonder why someone would choose to say these things to another living human being, much less the mother of his children, the partner he'd chosen for so many years.
I can only conclude that they are attempting to dehumanize in order to shuck off their own guilt.
Says way more about him than it ever did about you.
Thank you for sharing this very personal, painful pain with the rest of us.
I'm glad you read through my typos.....
I had meant to say that his words were "no one liked me in my old town"
& "I'd never let him raise these children with a woman that threatened my life," that keeps me going right there.
But I must add I feel pretty guilty myself for staying and not leaving sooner. My children are so hurt by him. I thought I couldn't do it with small children and I should have left when I was cuter. However I am very committed to the children and have been able to pay for private school by cleaning cooking sales anything....I've done so far so good! I just have to stop playing the tape in my head. He has health insurance and I do not so the one thing I have difficulty with is I'd like some therapy. Kids have it but I need it too. Working on it.
eleanore - The Spinsterlicious Life
It was great meeting you at breakfast at BlogHer '11. I'm glad you reached out to me. You've done it again, here.
And I'm thrilled that you are victorious.
Re your post, you are so right. Sometimes the best lessons are the most painful. Like you, I also learned a very powerful lesson from an ex-husband. It was so worth it, I almost believe there's a God and She sent this man to force me to mature. But at the time - yikes! Ouch.
Anyway, great post and best wishes from your SheWrites Sister.
http://anyshinything.com/2011/08/19/you-can-control-your-negative-feelings/
I think those of us who've been through rough, "rocky" endings to our marriages all have that desire to "prove him wrong." But I'm so glad you turned that on its head and turned it into proving yourself right. You are an amazing writer, a successful businesswoman and an inspiration to many!
Now we just need to work on getting you your own theme song...just for when you're sprinting up stairs and such.
;)