I grew up reading the "Dear Abby" column every morning in the Detroit Free Press. What elementary-aged kid reads Ann Landers? It became part of my morning routine throughout high-school. I even wrote a letter to Ann Landers myself once, but I think my parents took it out of the mailbox and threw it away (Isn't tampering with the U.S. Mail a felony?).
Some things never change. I still read the column when I happen to find a newspaper in my hands (as opposed to when I read my news online, which is more typical these days). There was a column that appeared last week that hit a nerve. I hear this same version of events at least weekly, and have written about it before.
Here's the jist of it:
I am a 40-something-year-old woman, about to celebrate around 20 years of marriage. I'm miserably unhappy, I've never truly loved my husband the way I should and I have remained married because I am "supposed" to. He is a wonderful father and husband, he has a great job, we get along just fine and we are good friends. But there is absolutely no passion in our relationship and there never was. I married him because it "was time." He feels more like a brother than a husband. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to hurt my kids. I feel so trapped!
How do you respond to this? On the one hand, you hate that you feel stuck. On the other hand, you made a promise and to break it now and impact so many lives seems so incredibly selfish.
But is it? I loved the response that Jeanne Phillips (aka Dear Abby) provided. She said, "Let me get this straight -- you married your husband under false pretenses and have lied to him for 20 years. Both of you have my sympathy. The best advice I can offer is to think long and hard about what you have right now and what you 'might' have in the future. Believe me, there are no guarantees. If you really cannot love your husband the way he should be loved -- and counseling won't help -- then let him go. He deserves better."
He does deserve better. He does deserve an opportunity to be loved and to feel loved by someone who truly loves him as more than a brother. As hurtful and as painful as it is -- to both you and to him -- sticking around for another 40 years isn't going to help anyone.
That being said, I've seen many people think the grass is going to be greener on the other side, only to find themselves landing on a chunk of dead grass. I've seen others who have landed on an oasis and are so thankful for the chaos that they went through during the divorce. Truly, there are no guarantees. No one can predict the future and tell anyone precisely what they should do.
I'm curious: What about you? Were you happier after you left your husband or wife? Do you regret it? Did you find the love and passion you were seeking? Did he or she do better and find someone who loves him/her as more than a brother/sister? Is there anything you would do differently if you had the chance to do it all again?
Follow Monique Honaman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/HighRoadTheBook
I'll stick with mountaineering.
Years later I have a new partner, also divorced, and two step- kiddos in the mix. I take seriously the fact that for all our children my Partner and I serve as THE example of what a Union is. It is what they see in us that will shape who they choose as mates and how they will live. I like who I love now-- and yeh whole house knows it. There is mutual respect, compassion, loyalty and true partnership. I could not have created that in my first marriage with the partner I had and the partner I was.
I think if you asked my ex he would say he too has found love and better life. At least I hope so-- I still know him to be an outstanding man. Perhaps we both had to lose something big in order to grow. My hope for anyone out there who is should choose Divorce is that you let your loss be your lesson.
I didn't expect it and didn't want it at the time, and the entire process was and continues to be really hard on the kids. That makes me sad, but it doesn't make me feel guilty, because I would've done anything to save the relationship. She ought to feel guilty, but probably doesn't, and that really doesn't matter anymore anyway.
At this point, I'm just glad to be rid of her. I'm also feeling a lot more optimistic about the future.
I know that the grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you decide to take care of, but she doesn't know that, and she'll probably kill the new lawn as well . . .
In other words, if you're lucky, you'll channel this change and energy into something constructive, something meaningful, or something destructive and damaging you'll later regret.
The awful thing about it is, you may not have enough self awareness to control where it goes.
This isn't good news, and I certainly don't like being the bearer...so good luck, I wish you the best, and I'll see you on the other side....
I fanatically threw myself into my job working 60 hour weeks, missing my kid's pre prom pictures once and my youngest hockey tournaments.
Obviously I regret that now, but I have worked with women barely scraping by the were once married to very wealthy men, but decided they HAD to leave to "find themselves"...only to find themselves living in poverty and suppressing any admission of regret.
My mother became radically political, banging away at her typewriter letters to the editor, politicians, yelling her opinion at the newspaper or TV...I remember her devastation when a big news story about finding piles of unopened letters to a local Congressman in the local dump.
One Aunt got divorced and never allowed my Uncle to see the children ever again. Another got "religious" nutty...three did, in fact.
So...enjoy your ride, and keep in mind any negativity...this too shall pass.