I travel a lot for work, and I usually feel terrible guilt about leaving my two little boys. But I had a transformative moment while Skyping with my husband back home. Because I'm away, he'd had to leave work early to relieve the sitter. And the boys had an amazing time. They went to the YMCA, they had dinner; they had a playdate. It was a way more amazing time than they would have on a typical evening, when I rush home in time, their father gets home after dinner, the kids go to bed and the adults log back on. And all of a sudden my mom guilt was replaced with joy.
This is a simple, even trite example. But to me, the solution to work family conflict is simple. Until we see more men doing caregiving, things will not change at work, because most workplace systems reward workers who are present and "at" work a lot. The very nature of caregiving demands you make time away from work to take care of people in your life. The maternal wall and the burden of care giving cost women dearly in terms of advancement and earnings.
The rallying cry in the women's leadership movement has been "You can't change what you can't see." Women are encouraged to get out there: to be visible in offices, in the media, in political office. From the White House Project to Senator Kirsten Gillibrand's new effort, women are encouraged to "Get Off the Sidelines" and into public life. Do we encourage men to get into private life, though?
Guess what: until we see more men at the grocery store on weekdays, doing school drop off regularly, at the pediatrician's, at the nursing home, managing the plumber's appointments and vet and kissing the skinned knees of their sons and daughters, our norms won't shift and the mommy track will surge on. Power between women and men will not be equal.
Even in Canada or Northern Europe where maternity leave is mandated, paid, and accepted, women don't advance to power at the same rates as men. Because if women consistently duck out to give care and men don't, guess who gets ahead?
Things are changing. Tom Matlack, founder of the Good Men Project, said that if feminism worked to get women out of the house, men now are trying to figure out how to get back into the house. As Brad Harrington from Boston College's Center for Work and Family writes,
"Young fathers today know that they will have working wives. Their wives are likely to be at least as well if not better educated, just as ambitious as they are, and make more money than they do. More importantly, these men feel that being a father is not about being a hands-off economic provider. It's about paying attention, nurturing, listening, mentoring, coaching, and most of all, being present. It's also about changing diapers, making dinner, doing drop-offs and pick-ups, and housecleaning."
In 2008 almost half of employed men said they take equal or almost equal responsibility for child care; 25 percent of women said their husbands do most or an equal share of cooking.
Both men and women agree overwhelmingly that if the wife works full time, her husband should share equally in the household chores. But women still take on the second shift -- a 2009 University of Michigan study finds by all accounts, women take on a significantly larger portion of the housework and spend close to 20 hours a week on these chores, vs. 11 for men. Child care shows a similar gender pattern, with men devoting about half as many hours to child care as women.
And it seems to me difficult for men to take on truly equal and engaged care giving roles without judgment or scrutiny. No wonder many men who are taking care of children or the elderly want to stay invisible.
I've heard from more than a few dads that they feel strange participating in typically female-led kid activities during the day. How can we take small actions to make big change, get men back into the house, and make work and life better for us all?
What is your part in this equation? Here's a simple one for women: if you see a dad hanging out at preschool, do you talk to him? Do you make him feel welcome and natural being there?
I'd love to hear other ways both women and men send signals to men that being a caregiver is not the ideal fit for a man.
This piece is my contribution for National Work and Family month.
Follow Morra Aarons-Mele on Twitter: www.twitter.com/morraam
The University of Michigan study, is an example that if one defines which chores constitute housework in an arbitrary manner then you can prove anything.
"According to the study, housework was defined as "core chores," or routine housework that people generally do not enjoy doing such as washing dishes, laundry, vacuuming floors and dusting.
Other activities such as home repairs, mowing the lawn, and shoveling snow were not in the study. "Items such as gardening are usually viewed as more enjoyable; the focus here is on core housework," says Stafford."
http://www.nsf.gov/discoveries/disc_summ.jsp?cntn_id=111458
I don't think men have to make their work known to women. Women need to stop operating on sexist stereotypes they don't want dropped on them. I see a lot of disrespect for men as care takers by mothers who still see themselves as number one in that position. If they feel that way then they should expect men to take a step back from that role to avoid conflicts.
It depends out which study one uses. According to Time magazine the gap between the amount of house work performed by men and women has narrowed considerably in recent years, perhaps 20 minutes per day.
http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/07/21/time-cover-story-why-men-and-women-should-end-the-chore-wars/
My husband used to get up at 4:00 A.M. to rake snow off our roof in Minneapolis before going to work in bus zero weather 8 hours a day. His mustache was a brick of ice when he came home. He climbed up on the roof to paint or repair. He crawled under the spidery house crawl space to fix stuff.
Funny how men don't pitch a whine & cheese fest demanding more help with THAT stuff.
Under the scheme of the University of Michigan study referenced in the article, raking snow is not considered a core chore and is excluded from the time study showing women do more housework than men. I suppose if one defines which chores constitute housework in an arbitrary manner than you can prove anything.
"According to the study, housework was defined as "core chores," or routine housework that people generally do not enjoy doing such as washing dishes, laundry, vacuuming floors and dusting.
Other activities such as home repairs, mowing the lawn, and shoveling snow were not in the study. "Items such as gardening are usually viewed as more enjoyable; the focus here is on core housework," says Stafford."
http://www.nsf.gov/discoveries/disc_summ.jsp?cntn_id=111458
The Barbaric attitude of some neanderthal females who treat men as if they are nothing more than sperm donors in the child producing process is really, really distrurbing. The arrogance of such Barbaric attitudes is surely a regressive perspective that I am glad that not all women share. Although not all for sure but many men have gone to great leanths to be better parents and fathers despite the resistance of some women. It would not seem that there would be such resistance by some women to discourage and exclude men as fathers from taking an interest in issues such as this.
HP-please move the parenting section into another section so that some women are not confused into believeing that parenting issues are exclusive to females. Perhaps that would help enlighten some of the Barbaric comments frome some women who are clearly living in the 50s in their Barbaric attitudes towards men as fathers who take an interest in parenting issues.
Thank you.
Thats interesting.
In 2002, census numbers I have seen estimated numbers of men as primary care givers at a little over 120,000. How exact the number? But is safe to say, being a stay at home in 02 was not common and the number were low. I have been in mommy and me, the pediatricians, drop offs and pick up from pre-school to pre-k, and following grades, parks, bikes, swimming, running, birthday parties, and I took care of the vehicles, the roof, build fences, plumbing, painting, tile, and was “The diaper changer.”
I have dealt with rude and insulting mothers, fathers, school personnel and in general my role in the family and marriage was not at all well received where we moved. It was better in Seattle. I also crossed paths with those who believed what I was doing was a great thing but they were far and few between.
Although I have transitioned back to pt work, my role is still non-traditional. I do agree there are some lame ass men and ALSO women for parents. I do believe more men are trying but also that men are not treated well when they do try.
From my personal experience as a hands-on dad (with a work schedule that allowed me to go in early and get out early) who for years picked up the kids from school, played catch in the front yard, made dinner, helped with homework, etc. (because my wife worked until 7 or so), I can say I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
There are definitely some "traditional chores" that my wife and I fall into: I do the yard work and take out the trash, etc., and she buys clothes for the kids, gifts for all the relatives during the holidays, and handles the decorating of the house. But laundry, cooking, cleaning -- we pretty much split it half and half.
I think dads who don't participate in school events or who don't take their kids to the library or the park or read them stories at night are all missing out on the best stuff.
Society still looks at moms as the main ones for that sort of thing. There are far more "Mommy and Me" kinds of things than for dads and their kids. But I think it's getting better all the time. The schools do a nice job reaching out to dads and I think, in general, more and more younger fathers are realizing what their dads missed out on.
1. The poster is lying.
2. The poster made a poor choice in a husband and is making herself feel better by convincing herself that all, or most, men are like this.
3. The husband puts in many more hours than the wife at work and so is around less.
For me, my wife job requires far more hours than mine. As a result, I do most of the daily housework, as well as taking care of the yard on the weekends.
If there is another reason I missed, please educate me.
Funny, that's almost exactly the male athlete's sentiments when the first female reporters were allowed into the locker rooms.
It's all about equality. You should be celebrating.
Plus, HP has no Men's section.
Thus we have to hang out here.
I'm not sorry.
Of course I don't know what me and my sisterless brothers are going to do about our parents... probably just keep them out in the coal bin.
My mom and dad have leaned far more heavily on my brother for financial powers of attorney. I visit them more; call them more; and generally check up on them daily.
I own three front packs for babies. To make life interesting, I put a Nike swoosh sign on one of them and flip my hat backwards. I sometimes wear my leather jacket, because it feels like the perfect combination of masculinity and tenderness. And as you all know, I'm a bit of both.
I have a baby daughter but I also get extra husband points by tending to my wife's nephews and nieces. I like to look through their homework to make sure everything is okay, buy the perfect snack from the grocery store (Dunkaroos), regulate nap time and gossip with the other women.
But I also have a job as an engineer, and I need that balance or I'll go nuts. Men are like that. We need to be doing more than just household chores. But we also need our wives to have trust in us that we won't burn the house down, and we need you all to stop micro-managing. It's very un-sexy.
Also, just because we told you to stop telling us what an amazing job we did doesn't mean you should. For crying out loud, your praise is like crystal meth! We're too embarrassed to admit we're dependent on it, but if we don't have it, we'll go nuts.
WOMEN are exactly like that too, just in case you somehow hadn't noticed or didn't care.
To a previous post "we're never going to see men care as much as women. want to know why? because they don't. and they never will." This so wrong on so many levels. I hate to say you just met the wrong men. There are selfish people in each gender, the majority it seems.
I have 5 wonderful grown adult children and a wonderful wife. In this life we support each other. I am grateful to have the opportunity to take part in rearing of my children and share all the love with them and my wife. Not always easy, been unemployed at times by layoffs, illness are the trappings of life.
Ladies do not settle, take the time and effort to find that good man(well person), we all deserve happiness.