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Morris W. O'Kelly Headshot

God Bless Sarah Palin, God Bless America

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God bless Sarah Palin.

She is the gift that keeps on giving, the Sunday comic strip that keeps adding frames the following Monday through Saturday. She is the wind beneath Mo'Kelly's wings.

God bless Sarah Palin and God bless America.

There are some days when it seems all is lost; the general public seems altogether confused as to whether the Republican Party is bereft of common sense and intellectual honesty. Then along comes Sarah Palin, like any Law & Order episode in its 53rd minute, to set the record straight.

They are.

Every single day, Sarah Palin is as dependable as Kaopectate and ADA Jack McCoy. Be not deceived, Sarah Palin is doing her part to singlehandedly unravel the GOP, and it's time the Democratic Party got behind her and became fully vested in the "Palin for President" movement for 2012.

Every single day, the former governor of Alaska and former Vice Presidential candidate offers up inappropriate, inaccurate and/or ill-conceived commentary, embarrassing herself, her political affiliation and subsequently anyone who has ever publicly supported her.

That means you, Tea Party. That means you, Grand Old Party. That definitely means you, Wasilla Sunrise Rotary Club.

God bless Sarah Palin.

Mo'Kelly hopes and prays for Palin to declare her candidacy for president in 2012. Instead of rebutting Democratic policymakers with ridiculous theories, such as blaming Sputnik for the collapse of the Soviet Union; Palin can engage in pointed primary debate with fellow Republican Mike Huckabee on "family values." In fact, one or some of the prostitutes her husband Todd allegedly "knew" (in the Biblical sense) can be interviewed for post-debate reaction.

Alleged. Yes, Mo'Kelly did say "alleged."

Maybe daughter Bristol will be on her way to birthing illegitimate child #2 and working legitimate job #1 by this time.

Maybe... just spitballing. Huckabee vs. Palin on family values. This just has to happen.

There are innumerable possibilities here. You just have to approach this with an open mind and trust in the train wreck that is Sarah Palin.

As opposed to engaging in partisan debates with inappropriate phrases like "blood libel," against the backdrop of the actual bloodshed in the tragedy in Tucson, maybe Sarah Palin can debate Keynesian economic theory with Mitt Romney relative to the Great Recession. Bear in mind, Palin can see Alaska First Bank & Trust from her backyard. This could get interesting.

God bless Sarah Palin (her impending presidential campaign) and God bless America.

No, we don't want you to shut up Sarah Palin, that would be the last thing in the world Mo'Kelly wants you to do. Keep it coming.

Free Sarah Palin! She is the victim in all of this, right?

Or imagine Palin and Congresswoman Michele Bachmann squaring off in a white, padded rubber room in the shape of an octagon. The combatants could duke it out for the title of who is less crazy and thus more unfit to serve as the titular head of the Tea Party. Instead of throwing punches, they could throw out the most incendiary, hateful rhetoric at each other, usually reserved for Democrats and garden variety minority groups. We could even break out Tina Turner in that sexy Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome outfit to referee. Michael Buffer has yet to text Mo'Kelly back as to his availability.

If it ends in a tie, we'll bring out celebrity judge Mel Gibson to assess which of the combatants managed to be more anti-minority, anti-immigration, anti-gay and anti-Semitic overall. Why Gibson you ask? Well... he is an authority. Name someone else with as many qualifications and (former) star power...

Didn't think so.

Let's give credit where credit is due. Not only that, the whole Beyond Thunderdome motif works better with Gibson and Turner working together in tandem. See the bigger picture folks. This is about ratings and PPV buys. Gibson is the logical choice. Somebody get publicist Alan Nierob on the phone and make this happen.

But Mo'Kelly digresses. God bless Sarah Palin and God bless America.

Or how about this...

Imagine a "Lightning Round" primary debate between Palin and former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty over the methods to improve the American educational system. Gov. Pawlenty could lay out his Minnesota Academic Standards program and Palin could "refudiate" it with the fact that she can see Wasilla High School and all 12 of its teachers from her backyard. Or, she could follow it up with the fact that Pawlenty attended (only) one university and received two degrees, and she attended some six colleges to receive just one.

(There has to be an Alex Trebek/Wink Martindale/Gene Rayburn joke worthy of insertion here. There just HAS to be.)

(thinking...)

(thinking...)

Oh well, opportunity missed.

Moving on...

But we're assuming the score would be close down the stretch. If she was far behind on the scorecards, she could/would imply that Pawlenty is a "closet Nazi" given his German descent. She could play the "weak on terrorism" card, alleging Pawlenty was lax on keeping "illegal immigrant Canadians" out of Minnesota. Yes, when all else fails, fall back on irrational fear and illogical associations when your opponent is intellectually superior and supremely more qualified. That surely went over well in 2008.

We can't forget Palin Vs. Mississippi governor Haley Barbour.

Palin would again denounce all forms of socialism and likely accuse Barbour of being a "socialist" for using the "public option" of education in the form of attending public schools as a youth and eventually Ole Miss as a collegian. If that didn't work, she'd call him a socialist for using the "public option" of the mail service, (better known as USPS) to send his Christmas cards and "pal-ing around" with other socialists who attended public schools, sent Christmas cards via the the "socialized" public mail or were on Medicare.

How hilarious would it be to see the underwhelming Palin political machine flailing away at fellow Republicans with its unsharpened intellectual tools? Don't you just want to see Republican candidates openly ridicule her gaffes and lack of historical knowledge to serve their own individual political ends?

That's worth at least $54.95 on Pay-Per-View and an evite invitation to 37 of your closest, moderately-educated friends to come over and watch.

Sarah Palin debating Newt Gingrich on foreign policy would be nothing short of stupendous. No birth certificate for Palin to question, no cue cards to help her with the spelling and/or pronunciation of multisyllabic country names like..."Brazil" or "China." No crib notes on the worst ways to twist an anti-Semitic phrase for the purpose of making an ill-advised point. There would be no abacus to assist in the math necessary to analyze trade deficits; just Sarah Palin and her middle school equivalent education, all alone and on full display. Her Republican Party will mock her ad infinitum in the attempts to offer instead a "real" candidate for the White House.

You can't beat that with a bat. Sign me up, here is Mo'Kelly's credit card.

Democrats, just stay out of the way and let this train wreck happen. Contribute to her campaign fund if need be. A dollar for Palin is worth 12 for Obama.

Please, oh pretty please Sarah Palin, get in the race for the Oval Office. What will it take to make you spend some of that $1.3 million already in your coffers to take this Republican variety show on the road... but this time with you as the featured attraction? Tell Mo'Kelly what you need and it will be done. Just get in the race.

America needs you Sarah...just in the way that laughter is good for the soul. God bless Sarah Palin and God bless America.

Morris W. O'Kelly (Mo'Kelly) is author of the syndicated entertainment and socio-political column The Mo'Kelly Report. For more Mo'Kelly, go to his site. Mo'Kelly can be reached at mrmokelly@gmail.com and he welcomes all commentary.