We all know people who "victims" are -- people who view their lives through the filter: "It's not my fault. They [or it] did it to me." When you understand what the feeling of victimization really is, where it comes from and how it affects people, you will discover that it is even more widespread and debilitating than you might think.
The primary source of feeling like a victim is the feeling of powerlessness, and because we don't like feeling that we are powerless, we tend to blame someone or something for causing that feeling. So we feel that we are a victim of circumstances or other people's actions and that we can't do anything about it. Being a victim is experiencing yourself at the effect of something outside yourself.
Thus the single most important belief responsible for the feeling of victimization is I'm powerless. Other beliefs that could underlie this feeling include: I'll never get what I want, People can't be trusted and Life is difficult.
Why Feeling Victimized Is So Debilitating
The reason feeling victimized is so debilitating is that it undermines your ability to do anything about your situation. If you are having difficulties in any area of your life, such as relationships or money, and you experience yourself as powerful and in control of your life, you can devise a strategy to improve your situation. And if one solution doesn't work, you can learn from your experience and try again.
But if you have a victim mentality -- in other words, if you feel powerless to affect your circumstances -- you are likely to feel that the world is "doing it" to you and that there is nothing you can do about it.
That's why this is one of the most devastating problems you can have: If you have any other problem but see yourself as responsible for your situation, you have the ability to look for and implement a solution. If you have the problem of feeling victimized by life or other people, you are less likely to look for and implement a solution because you feel you can't do anything about your situation.
Most victims can be identified by their conversation, which consists of a lot of "woe is me" and "it's not my fault" language. However, there also is the "stoic" victim. Such people do not complain, and they keep a "stiff upper lip," but underneath they experience a sense of victimization. Such people frequently don't even let themselves know how they are feeling.
So victims are not just people who speak their victimization, but also those who have that experience underneath a veneer of confidence and "Everything's okay; really, it is."
Typical Characteristics of Victims
Here are a few other important characteristics of victims:
So if you are a victim or know someone else who is, what can you do to help yourself or the other person? Fortunately, the source of this problem is similar to the source of almost every other problem: your beliefs. Reality and other people are not causing you to feel like a victim; your beliefs are. Get rid of the beliefs that cause the problem, and the feeling of victimization will disappear for good.
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If you get dumped facts are - you ARE dumped. To think we can whitewash grief away with our power to simply move on, is not healthy. Or realistic. Humans travel through stages of loss. We move on as we heal, for some it's quicker, others slower. That's human, it doesn't make us victims. It makes us real.
You say, "powerlessnÂess over bad situations in life is not coming from outside, but inside" Untrue. Many times we ARE 100% powerless over bad situations. Power comes not from denying that sometimes we ARE victims but rather acceptance. Realizing that we are not capable of forcing life to our specifications 24/7. We adjust. We start over. We bend.
It's called - growing up.
He clearly states, the feeling of powerlessness over bad situations in life is not coming from outside, but inside, and this is a in fact quite true, however, many people don't realize this or don't know how to get out of this depressing and defeating state. This is what this Mr. Lefkoe is talking about helping people learn, for example, Say I get dumped by someone I love, I have a choice to live in that loss and depression or I can choose to face it, accept it and move on. That one persons choice I may not love, but life doesn't revolve around that one moment either. Life goes on.
Victims don't want to learn or change. Why should they? When everything is everyone else's fault?
I've always been moved by people who were victimized and able to create meaning out of the experience. Although we all have differing levels of resilience and are impacted by our life experiences in different ways, just having the knowledge that our past experiences no longer have to define our current selves is in itself healing. I appreciate that the author is at least opening up a dialogue on this issue and giving us some food for thought.
Then again, I have absolutely zero self confidence either but that comes from many years of development where I was brutally savaged for not being perfect and no one ever let an opportunity pass to make sure I knew that I was a worthless failure. My successes were failures, my failures were colossal failures, and I suffered the consequences for my failures.
Of course, this doesn't even get into the abysmal luck, the soul-crushing abuse, the intentional destruction of my life an repeated attempts to scuttle my future, and on and on and on. The most frustrating part is that my intelligence has done nothing but hurt me in this regard. Ultimately, you cannot do EVERYTHING by yourself and I have never had an experience where I wasn't totally and completely let down by the other party.
Nice tease Morty, since you offer absolutely only the most diaphanous of prescriptions, but I'm sure they do exist, at a price. I think that Huffpo's Living section should be more accurately called the "Its a Living" section. Is there anyone there who's not selling something and what message does that send about "Living".
I understand trying to understand what you do have control over in a situation (ie, your emotions) and trying to use them to move forward but to say that people are always the cause of the problems is a very dangerous road to go down. Thats like saying a baby who was murdered by her parents was the cause of her parents actions. It doesn't make any sense.
Anyways I never meant to offend you, and I am deeply sorry that you had to endure such painful childhood. No one should ever experience that. My words mean nothing but I hope you are healing and learning to live life.
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