Exes And The City

When "Sex and the City" aired its final episode four years ago, single men everywhere breathed a sigh of relief. No longer would women on the search for a husband pattern themselves after the four ladies whose wardrobe they copied and whose lives they emulated. Until now.

This week, now that the "Sex and the City" movie is making women crazy again, I remembered all those girls who drove me nuts in their efforts to be like Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte (alas, never like Samantha). I wondered what had happened to them, and what they thought years later, now that the movie was coming out and Carrie and the girls were pushing 40. Did these girls, in fact, go on to lead the lives of their "Sex and the City" heroes? Perhaps I was too harsh on them. Maybe the problem was me all along and not some cable TV show. I decided to call them up and ask.

My first call was to Janet. She won the prize for bringing up "Sex and the City" the quickest - 54 seconds into the date, to be exact.

We went out on our date in 1999 and haven't spoken since (not including the three messages she left on my answering machine). It took a while for her to warm up to me over the phone, but she finally agreed to play ball:

Morty: I remember that you loved "Sex and the City."
Janet: Oh my god, my life is SO "Sex and the City"!
Morty: Every girl in New York says that.
Janet: I know. But with me it's really true.
Morty: Every girl in New York says that.
Janet: What do you know? You hated that show.
Morty: Yeah. I think that "Sex and the City" is a modern, less realistic rip-off of "Laverne and Shirley," but without the monogrammed sweater.
Janet: That doesn't even make sense.
Morty: Of course it does: Two best friends become four. Lenny and Squiggy are now two gay guys. Bowling alleys and pizza parlors are replaced with Pastis and Soho House.
Janet: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Morty: Come on, you know that if they had cable back then, there definitely would have been an episode where Carmine Ragusa's penis was so big, Shirley could barely put on her pants the next day.
Janet: Goodbye, Morty.

Debbie and I went out four times before her true colors were revealed. Although she was fun and attractive, I remember her being on the high-maintenance side. No matter how much I tried to like her, I couldn't get over the fact that she spent $1800 a year on Japanese hair straightening treatments:

Morty: So are you excited to see the movie?
Debbie: Ohmygod! Of COURSE I'm excited! I lived for "Sex and the City."
Morty: Is your life SO "Sex and the City"?
Debbie: SO "Sex and the City."
Morty: How could it be? You hate your friends!
Debbie: I don't hate my friends.
Morty: Sure you do: you guys bad-mouthed each other all the time. When one of the girls had a boyfriend, nobody would talk to her anymore, you refused to go to bars with Erin after she lost 60 pounds and went tanning, you hated the fact that Cindy's father bought her a 2 bedroom loft in Soho, you made fun of Dana's watch because she bought it in....
Debbie: Goodbye, Morty.

Allison made it past the first date because I needed a hot companion for my company Christmas party. She was fun and sweet enough, but couldn't spell "Louis Vuitton" if it wasn't written all over her handbag. And wallet. And shoes.

Before I could even ask her about "Sex and the City," Allison mentioned the words "husband," "pregnant," and "why the hell are you calling me?":

Morty: I don't know why you are so hostile to your ex that you haven't spoken to in seven years. Especially since it seems like you've done such a good job rebounding from our relationship.
Allison: I don't consider you my "ex," I consider you my "Y." As in "WHY did I ever go out with you?"
Morty: Funny.... Who said that, Carrie or Samantha?
Allison: Goodbye, Morty.

Laurie and I actually went out for three weeks in early 2000. She was a head case, but a very hot head case. I remember my dilemma - on the one hand, she focused her entire week on Sunday night from 9:00 to 9:30. On the other, she was 1995 "Junior Miss Illinois." Much like the television characters that Laurie admired, she would go out only to the hippest, trendiest places. Thankfully she didn't eat, or those three weeks would have put me in the poor house:

Morty: Do you feel like your life has followed the path of the women of "Sex and the City"?
Laurie: I feel "Sex and the City" has not only applied to my life, but it has, in fact, become a microcosm for every woman. Most people think that the show has centered on the idea of strong independent women embracing their single status as opposed to settling for men. Personally, I think that the "Sex and the City" revolution wasn't about men at all, but about children. There is such pressure from society to settle down and start reproducing. Why? It isn't about answering the Darwinian calling to survive by thrusting your genes into the next generation through the vehicle of offspring. The pressure to procreate leads to the idea of settling down. "Sex and the City" became the Bible for women because it gave them extra time and motivation to be free.
Morty: I didn't mean to get you upset.
Laurie: Why would I be upset? I have a wonderful husband who takes care of my every need and two incredible kids. I couldn't be happier.
Morty: That's SO "Sex and the City"!
Laurie: Goodbye, Morty.

After all these calls, I couldn't say whether these women found happiness like Carrie, or a nice Jewish husband like Charlotte, but one thing was certain: they all hated me. Satisfied, I got into bed, wondering who the next role model will be for single girls everywhere. God, I hope it's Miley.

Comments

[poetdoc]

Um...it's supposed to be humor?

[kathy001]

Morty, you seem to have had some serious problems in choosing your dates. In the future, I would suggest you look more for substance and less for physical charactistics in your prospective companions. You also seem to have had some seriously bad luck, since you found the shallowest women in what must have been a 3-state area to go out with. I wish you better luck in the future.

Sex in the City was a great show. It was fun, it was fantasy and it also protrayed women that lived happy lives without a man and without children. And it showed what idiots women can be when desperately searching for Mr. Right and agonizing over their biological clocks. Still, it was just a TV show and now, it's just a movie. Millions of women will enjoy it but they'll still go on living their normal lives without trying to emulate either one of the characters.

[gailmforrest]

I don't live the life but saw the movie and every episode 6 or 7 times. Perhaps this is because I don't have a life or I'm a "junkie" for a good soap opera. Personally I would like to recommend "All My Children" as a substitute. As for Carrie and Big, sadly this story only perpetuates the "Cinderella" propaganda on which I teethed. There are not enough Mr. BIgs to go around girls! Those waiting for him will have arthritic ankles from their high heels before he ever calls. Wear flats and get a job. Oh and perhaps give poor Marty a break. He sounds pissed off but in a lonely way.

[Boobaloo]

In all fairness, I think these movies just bring out the crazy that's already within some females ... latent desperation waiting for some pathetic pop culture excuse to give them permission to act out their inner humiliation.

Also, I've always found the movies to be racist ... they inserted a token black person in the movie but, spent considerable time insulting Mexico and Mexicans. I thought it was offensive.

Now, you want to see CRAZY enraged and flailing, post my comment and watch the loonies screech.

oh boy.

Love the article.

[jesselee26]

totally love sex and the city... unabashedly. but i will say this... not so much a ripoff of laverne and shirley as it was the golden girls. an almost perfect fit:

mianda = dorothy
samantha = blanche
charlotte = rose

carrie and sofia, not a match, i'll agree. but can you imagine estelle getty in some 4 inch minollos?

[larry278]

Remember to send your alamony payment to your ex-wife if you married a "Sex & the City" type woman.

[rwhiteside]

So basically, Marty got into bed...ALONE.

Got it.

[OverCoffee]

I've changed the names to protect the innocent.

Marty calls Mystique this month. She was a hot lil' numba in the late 90s that made him nuts due to her weekly half hour obsession of Sex in the City, a time when he got no play.

Marty: You've seen the movie by now, right?
Mystique: Yes, and now my boyfriend is dead.... (sobs)
Marty: What happened?
Mystique: He had never seen the show because he was young back then. As we watched the movie, he realized he could never live up to what I really want in a man. He choked to death on the popcorn. Marty, it's all your fault!
Marty: My fault?
Mystique: Yes! You were stronger, you could have taken life with me - been the kind of guy I needed. It's not too late, you know?
Marty: (gags on his sandwich and makes choking noises)
Mystique: Oh no! Not you too!
Marty performs the Heimlich manuever on himself, and once again, saves himself!
Marty: I'm okay! I lived!
Mystique: Bastard. (hangs up)

Loved your article, Morty, and no, we've never met.

[c1ee]

haha that was good

[vmonter]

Hilarious. I can't stand barbies, in any outfit.

[TeenaGreena]

I hope that you, Morty, find happiness with a woman someday. You seem to lack respect for women -- maybe someday you'll learn how to identify a woman that has your values (if you know what your values are) and then maybe you'll find it in your heart to respect her and treat her as an equal. Just because a woman doesn't share your values, doesn't mean she is anything less than wonderful. She is just different than you...

Your writing and your attitude made me cringe and feel sorry for you.

[vmonter]

ROFL

[Ajita]

Isn't his attitude towards women eerily similar to that of the women on the show towards men?

[Dangersea27]

This blog was mildly amusing, mainly the repeating punchline of "Goodbye, Morty."
What I find really funny is how much angst the show caused and continues to cause guys like Morty.
What is it about this show that bothers guys like Morty so deeply? The fact that the central characters were not men, but were just as independent, insensitive, self-centered and insecure as (some) men? Was it the fact that the four women had flawed but strong personalities and despite their (many) flaws, were having a marvelous time?
As everyone except Morty knows by now, the show was written by gay men and is mostly about what their lives were like living in NYC before AIDS. It was just a show, and while I watched it because it could be an amusing distraction, I hardly model myself or my life after it.
And just to help Morty in his quest for understanding, the object of the show (and of the legions of women who watched it) was not "husband hunting."
Thanks for your interest, but don't call us, we'll call you.
Goodby, Morty.

[LABC]

Mildly amusing, yes. But unfortunately, he reminds me of the sort of shlub who will only date high maintenance hotties, but thinks he knows all women as a result. Goodbye indeed, Morty...like you would know what to do with a Samantha.

So women enjoyed the show, with its friendships, hot sex, and clothes - how shallow of us...not like the intellectually challenging "Rambo Redux" with its examination of the effect of the Vietnam War upon its vets and.... oh puleassse..

[blackcat26]

Agreed. Morty seems to comment an awful lot on how "hot" the various exes are/were. Maybe Morty is more like the Fab Four than he cares to admit - a bit on the shallow side? (for the record, not a big SATC fan, don't plan to see the movie, but admire anything that puts women front and center).

[Topfeeder]

I miss my Aidan, not so much my Mr. Big.