Nobel Prize for Bush, Cheney, and McCain?

09/30/2008 07:00 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

In his excellent book, The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder, former Los Angeles County Assistant District Attorney Vincent Bugliosi argued forcefully for putting President Bush on trial for murder. But, that has not happened.

On June 9, 2008, Cleveland Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced a 35-count resolution for impeaching the President and Vice President Dick Cheney. But, the Democrats just do not have the backbone to do that.

So, what should we do to show our "appreciation," as the Bush administration is coming, blissfully and not a second too soon, to an end? Well, I have a suggestion.

You see, I am a scientist and have published hundreds of papers in science journals. So, I recognize invention and discovery when I see them. Autumn is the season of Nobel Prizes. Every year a group of distinguished people receive this marvelous award for their discoveries and inventions. I am thrilled that, in the season of Nobel Prizes, I have identified excellent candidates for a one.

In my opinion, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are outstanding candidates for the Nobel Prize. No, I do not mean the Nobel Prize for Peace. Although they have made grand claims about peace and security in the U.S. and elsewhere, the world will not see peace until they go into retirement. Rather, I believe that they should be given the Prize for novel inventions.

But, since John McCain has said repeatedly that, on the transcendent issues, the most important issues of our day, I've been totally in agreement and support of President Bush, and has been totally committed to the full Bush/Cheney catastrophe, from Iraq and Afghanistan, to tax breaks for the rich and an unregulated market, it is only fair to also give him serious considerations as well.

So, what are the new inventions that are worthy of the Nobel Prize? DWI. Oh no, I am not referring to the dreaded DWI citation that people get when they "drive while intoxicated," although the President and the VP, while "driving" the American foreign policy, exhibit every sign that they are intoxicated with power. Rather, I am referring to two important inventions that the President and the VP have made. Both inventions are terrifying to me, a Muslim immigrant. They should be important to the upcoming elections, but the Bush/Cheney/McCain economy has collapsed and, therefore, they have been put in the back burner. Let me explain.

The first invention, DWI-1, is the phenomenon of Detained When Immigrant. In a nutshell, DWI-1 is an invention by which you are detained simply because you have a "foreign-sounding" name, or look like a "foreigner," or you or your parents are immigrants. Do you remember DWB, Driving While Black, the racial profiling of African-Americans? DWI-1 is much more powerful than the DWB.

Hundreds of raids have taken place around the country, rounding up hard working immigrants, jailing them, and trying to deport them. You see, the inventors of DWI-1 and their supporters do not want immigrants of any kind. The undocumented ones will eventually swell the ranks of people who vote routinely against the Republicans. The legal immigrants usually take up most of the good jobs, because they are highly educated. Due to their education and world view, they are also usually very enlightened, which means that they reject the extremism of the Republican Party. So, the inventors of DWI-1 only want "guest workers" who can be exploited without any rights, and can also be used to lower the wages for the American workers.

But, DWI-1 is, in fact, even more encompassing that it appears. You see, if you have an Islamic name, or look like someone from the Middle East, or you or your parents and ancestors are from an Islamic nation, you are bound to experience another version of DWI-1, Detained When Islamic.

The second invention, DWI-2, is the phenomenon of Defended When Islamic. You are held in a secret place. You have no right to an attorney. If you can afford an attorney, none will be provided to you. If your loved ones find out where you have been detained, or rendered to, and hire an attorney for you, the attorney will not get to see you, and the evidence against you - if it actually exists. If you are lucky and get to see your attorney, the agents of my Nobel nominees will listen to the conversations between the two of you. Anything that you do not say or have not done can be and will be used against you. Due to the religion that you believe in, or the way you look, or the land that you or ancestors may have come from, or the name that you were given at birth, your guilt has already been proven.

You see, as a scientist I appreciate only too well how difficult it is to make even one new invention with deep impact, but my Nobel nominees have accomplished something far more difficult by inventing not just one but two DWIs. That calls for nominating them for the Nobel Prize.

The Nobel committee usually asks for evidence of the impact of the nominee's discovery on science and/or society. Usually, it takes many years or even decades to evaluate the impact of a discovery, but the impact of DWI-1 and DWI-2 has been almost immediate, profound, and powerful, hence providing an even more compelling case for nominating the President and the VP for the Nobel Prize.

In the short period of time since their invention, not only have DWI-1 and DWI-2 terrified our immigrants, Muslims, and most other minorities in this country, but have also been helping the destruction of the foundations of civil liberties and human rights, and the demolition of our wonderful Constitution and Bill of Rights.

You cannot find a more profound impact that this. Even I - Muhammad the nominator - am terrified as I write these lines. I ask myself, what if I publish my nomination statement? Will I experience DWI-1 or DWI-2 myself? I am only hoping that because my own scientific research has always been theoretical, I will not get to "experience" the inventions, but who knows.

I say we should nominate the President and his VP for Nobel Prize, and give McCain serious considerations too, due to his unwavering support of the President, even though I, the nominator, may get to experience their inventions first hand.

But, hey, if they get the Prize, McCain's cronies could invent another DWI - Despised When Islamic - and use it to attack Barack Hossein Obama - even though Obama is not Islamic. After all, McCain cannot attack Obama over the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, the financial fiasco, and practically everything else. But, the Republicans and the far right need something to cling to.

I have strong suspicion that my nominees already know the importance of their discoveries, and believe deep down that they deserve to be nominated for the Nobel Prize. The best evidence for this is that, my nominees have been declaring repeatedly that, those who challenge them "only aid terrorists," will "give ammunition to America's enemies," and "you are either with us or against us." Case closed. Let's give them the Prize and dispatch them to retirement.

I do have some concerns for the Nobel Prize itself. You see, if in the future our government decided to apologize for inventing the DWI-1 and DWI-2 - remember the internment of the Japanese-Americans during World War II, and the apologies to them decades later? - or to destroy the inventions, the Prize will have to be taken back. Not only that, we will have to put the President and the VP on trial in the International Criminal Court.

But, no worries. I am sure that the Nobel Committee can live with that prospect, even if it will be bad for the Prize itself.