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A Corporate Person's Guide to Passing Immigration Reform in the House

07/01/2013 06:10 pm ET | Updated Aug 31, 2013

Certain "bodied humans" of our acquaintance are minimizing the chances of immigration reform passing the House of Representatives. They don't think anything resembling the bill passed by the Senate can survive in the land of Boehner, Bachmann and Gohmert.

Fortunately, there is a solution, designed to appeal to the free-market loving base of the Republican party, and the increasing number of like-minded Democrats. Our historic race for U.S. Congress in 2010 was based on the principle that the notion of individual liberty and free will is an antiquated 18th century nostrum that is just holding us back. The magic of the marketplace beats the so-called "power of the people" every time.

How do we apply these common-sense principles to the issue of immigration? Simple. For starters, let's sell the wall!

Just as sections of our roadways are sponsored by local companies and interest groups, naming rights for the wall along our borders should be sold to the highest bidder. At a rate of, say, a million dollars per mile, the roughly two thousand miles of border between the U.S. and Mexico could bring in a cool two billion dollars in pure profit.

We know that social media is bringing in big bucks to advertisers, but the category of anti-social media is going untouched! "Stay on your side of the fence," a message might read, "but if you do make it here, come work at McDonalds."

But that's just the beginning.

In exchange for shaving off a few years from the waiting list, immigrants should be given the opportunity to include the name of a corporate sponsor in all their legal documents. A driver's license, voting application or Social Security card would read something along the lines of "Esteban Gonzales, brought to you by Exxon." Auctions could be held to determine the fair value of individual citizens, a practice that used to be commonplace in America but, according to Paula Deen, still retains some nostalgia value.

Speaking of economic practices that have gone out of favor, why not bring back indentured servitude? It works in China, ask Mitt Romney!

And why let all those surveillance drones complete their mission without earning some revenue? They could easily be attached to company logos, banners and signs.

Of course, now that Congress has doubled the number of border guards, each and every one of those 40,000 uniforms is valuable advertising real estate. Let's trade in those boring green outfits for Verizon red, Wal-Mart blue and corporate white collars!

What else can we do to turn the path to citizenship into a road to economic recovery? Do you have any ideas as practical and dynamic as the ones we've listed here? We want to hear them!

Murray Hill Inc. is sponsoring a contest we're calling "Let's Monetize Democracy!" Post your entries as a comment below, or visit us on Facebook or Twitter.

As the Supreme Court told us in their visionary Citizens United decision, corporations are people too!

It's only people that aren't always people.