How sweet it is!
When Murray Hill Inc. became the first corporation to run for Congress (thanks to the enlightened decision by the U.S. Supreme Court in the Citizens United case) there were some who said it couldn't be done. Persons conceived by shareholders and articles of incorporation, it was said, should not be afforded the same rights as persons conceived by sexual congress.
Ha! Ha-ha! Who's got the last laugh now! The new Republican majority in the House of Representatives was midwifed by hundreds of millions of dollars of unlimited, undisclosed corporate spending to consolidate and extend their domination of American politics. As Murray Hill Inc. said time and time again, the greatness of America rests in the country clubs, boardrooms and Lear jets of America's great corporations, and the election results demonstrate that most voters agree.
Voters have come to recognize the numerous advantages a corporate candidate can hold over old-fashioned bodied persons.
First, there's transparency. With a corporation, what you see is what you'll get. There is no ambiguity over how a corporate member of Congress will vote--it will always be in support of their shareholders interests. For example, a Senator from Exxon will be a reliable vote for oil exploration, and a Representative from JP Morgan Chase will always oppose financial regulation.
What's more, a fully corporate Congress will have no need of lobbyists, political fundraisers, campaign consultants-- even political parties. The machinery we now use to put bodied persons in office and influence their votes would rust into oblivion.
Plus, government would be cheaper to run without expensive staff, office space or health insurance. Indeed, the shift to corporate democracy would free up some prime real estate on Capitol Hill that could be leased to law firms, trade associations, or the Chinese.
Unlike corporeal representatives, corporations wouldn't suffer from the ravages of age and infirmity. No Strom Thurmonds or Robert Byrds hanging on and on.
And of course, there will be no sex scandals in a corporate Congress.
Murray Hill Inc. is confident that it won't be long before we complete the transition from a human to a fully corporate Congress. Our corporation is prepared to continue as the leader in corporate civil rights, and we expect to have some exciting news in this regard to announce before long. (We can't be more specific, but you'll catch our drift when we say we'll have a special message for voters in Iowa and New Hampshire).
The supremacy of corporate personhood may be unpalatable for some romantic idealists who cling to the 18th century superstition that mankind is endowed by a heavenly creator with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but there's only one thing we can say in response -- get over it.
It won't be long before more corporations follow the guidance expressed by former Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens who wrote,
"Under the majority's view, "I suppose it may be a First Amendment problem that corporations are not permitted to vote, given that voting is, among other things, a form of speech."
Despite the benefits we've now seen from the splendor of unfettered corporate free speech spending in this election, corporations still won't be able to be 100% sure that the candidates they've helped win this election will always do their bidding.
It's often said that we have the best Congress that money can buy, but sadly, this ideal remains elusive. Only when corporations take the next step in our democracy, eliminate the middle man and run for office themselves can we be sure that the millstone of human influence will finally be lifted from American politics. The Supreme Court said so, and the voters agree -- corporations are people too! But unlike you bodied persons, corporations never grow old, never die, and never, ever loosen their grip on the reigns of power.
Thank you for a wonderful 2010 election -- see you in 2012!