Have Cheating on Your Mind?

Scarlett Johansson recently commented about her divorce to Ryan Reynolds, saying that she wasn't prepared "to hunker down and do the work" necessary to keep her marriage together.

Once a relationship moves past the butterfly stage and into the less exciting and more routine stage, you and your partner need to be more deliberate about keeping your relationship on track.

A romantic relationship does not just happen; it is created. This emotionally intimate bond you share with your partner is best when you feel understood and accepted. It's enhanced through talking intimately about feelings, thoughts, and needs.

Sometimes when the qualities of a romantic relationship are not met, one or both partners seek them outside the relationship in an affair. When the temptation to connect with someone other than your partner is there, it's usually because the closeness you share with your partner has been neglected. The good news is that you can make it a priority again and strengthen your bond.

Make Your Relationship an Affair to Remember

When you think of an affair, what comes to mind? Passion? Romance? Attachment to another person? That's exactly what an affair is; however, the downside is that it is typically associated with a limited duration, not to mention causing a great deal of pain to your primary partner. But, what if you could extend an affair and make it an everyday and lifelong occasion with your partner? You can do it; it's just a matter of decision.

The way to make this happen is to turn your relationship into an affair. The first step to doing this knowing exactly what needs are met by an affair:

• Feeling desired
• Being loved
• Feeling needed
• Being sexually fulfilled
• Feeling understood
• Having a close friendship
• Being intellectually stimulated
• Feeling complete in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally attached
• Feeling listened to

Look over these characteristics and ask yourself which of these qualities you provide for your partner. The ideal way to use this list is to sit down with your partner and take turns putting this list in order of which characteristics you feel the strongest, down to those you feel the least.

When you and your partner complete your individual lists, do what my clients Garrick and Jennifer did with theirs -- compared what's listed and, more importantly, what is listed on the very bottom. These are the things you need to add to your relationship to keep it affair proof.

Jennifer was not feeling understood and felt frustrated because Garrick didn't notice she was unhappy. Rather than say anything to him (the right thing to do), she reached out to an ex on Facebook to get her need met (the wrong thing to do). Needless to say, Garrick was not too happy about this but realized that he needed to find a new way to demonstrate how connected he truly felt to her. Together they discussed the issue, she deleted the ex from her "friend list" and they were able to reconnect.

The goal of this exercise is to identify the areas that are holding you back from having an affair with your partner. You can do the same with your partner. Take the one or two items ranked last and ask what he or she needs that would help him get a stronger sense of that feeling. You'll be surprised at how this simple exercise will illuminate important feelings that both you and your partner have been experiencing.

When you are able to strengthen the weak areas in your relationship, the two of you will be able to have the love affair you always wanted. If you need some ideas on how to reconnect, start here.

 

 

 

Follow Nancy Fagan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DivorceHowTo

Comments

[ThinkHappyThoughts]

01:38 PM on 12/15/2011

This article seems to apply more to women than men. I honestly do believe some men cheat, not because they are missing some aspect from their current relationship but rather because the opportunity for variety presents itself. You can spice up the love life all you want but at the end of the day the man is always going to look at other women, regardless of hot amazing or attractive his current partner is. Tiger Woods comes to mind.

I believe communication and maturity are the two most important factors in a successful marriage so in that sense we are in agreement but this article only addresses the obvious.

[traceymarie]

06:24 PM on 12/13/2011

Love and respect your spouse daily, even if they disappoint you in some way. NEVER ever cheat. Bad times and hurtful words are temporary and can be forgiven by a committed couple, they may not be perfect but neither are you

[Lara3128]

01:35 PM on 12/13/2011

Social networking can wreak havoc on a relationship. I feel a lot of disconnect in a marriage comes from the ability to find a connection so easily with someone else online. Whether it is through "harmless flirting" or more involved relationships, social networking allows more opportunities to people feeling upset with their spouse, etc. I know that work and other places allow ample opportunity for people to develop relationships, too. I just notice that quality time at home is more of a challenge since husbands/wives are competing for attention with technology (internet, Facebook, etc).

[Nancy Fagan]

01:24 AM on 12/14/2011

Hi Mr./Ms. Lara3128,

SO well put. It's all about protecting your relationship by not putting yourself in potentially "dangerous" situations.

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­­orceHelp­C­l­inic.c­om

[vik5627]

12:54 PM on 12/13/2011

No, marriage is what drives you to an institution.

[sunneeray]

12:28 PM on 12/13/2011

"Jennifer was not feeling understood and felt frustrated because Garrick didn't notice she was unhappy. Rather than say anything to him (the right thing to do)" How is NOT telling your spouse that you are unhappy and don't feel appreciated the wrong thing to do!? I tell my husband when I am not happy or when I don't feel appreciated, why,? So he knows and he's not guessing why I am upset! That is how a marriage works, when you talk to each other and let each other know what the other feels!! If you go to counseling they tell you to tell the other person WHAT YOU FEEL!!!!!!

[Lara3128]

01:24 PM on 12/13/2011

Sometimes the other person doesn not care or gets tired of hearing it (desensitized). Some people feel "stuck." They do not want to leave the spouse, but are unhappy and feel the spouse does not understand why.

[jontrentj]

10:20 AM on 12/13/2011

Most marriages are nothing more than a death sentence. They stay together because they don't want to be alone. They get out of shape, do nothing of substance together (reading the paper together is BS), have no commonality, and essentially just get OLD together. It is an INSTITUTION!

[Nancy Fagan]

01:30 AM on 12/14/2011

Hi Mr. Jontrentj,

I disagree with your statement that "most marriages are nothing more than a death sentence." If
that is all you've seen, I challenge you to move outside your circle. When you do, you will find there are many very happily married couples. Marriage is what you choose to make it.

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­­orceHelp­C­l­inic.c­om

[jontrentj]

10:27 AM on 12/14/2011

typical response from a typical journalist type totally out of touch with reality. More divorce today, more diversion, more shallow singles dating sites, more cheating sites. My circle is loaded with long marriages, 75 years to be specific, and many that are long and BORING! Two types in this world takers and givers. Put two givers together and one will become a taker. People take life and relationships for granted. Marriage loses spontaneity, surprise, anticipation, mystery. Look at the world it is comprised mostly of sheep and lemmings that go with the flow. No thanks.

[rodoner]

09:51 AM on 12/13/2011

Finally, an article which reinforces family values instead of trashing them. Thank you

[Nancy Fagan]

01:31 AM on 12/14/2011

Hi Mr./Ms. Rodoner,

Thank you.

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­­orceHelp­C­l­inic.c­om

[Louie Rey]

09:40 AM on 12/13/2011

There are just as many reasons to cheat as there are to remain faithful. It's whatever situation you find yourself in and then your personality surfaces and you take that particular path, be it good or bad. To err is human and we're all humans here, right? I've been married twice. My first marriage fell apart due mainly to financial problems. When I realized that, as a result my wife was cheating on me, I did the same. I'm now happily married to a wonderful woman who I sometimes feel I don't deserve. You never know what life holds for you.

[Nancy Fagan]

01:43 AM on 12/14/2011

Hi Mr. Louie Rey,

I'm happy to hear you've found a wonderful wife; you deserve to be happy. Earlier this evening I met a man who was just beginning the divorce process. He attended a divorce support group that I run. As sad as he was over his marriage ending, he told the group that there was a silver lining that came from his wife leaving him. In the depths of his pain and despair he reported that he developed into a much better person. He said for that he was thankful to his soon-to-be ex wife because of this. So you are right, you never know what life holds for you.

Yes, "to err is human: though cheating has nothing to do with someone's personality; it's the CHOICE to cheat is driven by values and morals.

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­­orceHelp­C­l­inic.c­om

[Louie Rey]

09:03 AM on 12/14/2011

Hi Ms. Fagan,
Thanks for responding to my comment. Have a great Christmas and New Year.
Happily Married Louie

[theodoricofyorke]

09:26 AM on 12/13/2011

When did a 'divorce from' make the transition to a 'divorce to'? No one told ME about this. Does being 'divorced to' someone eliminate the need for alimony? What's next: 'Unmarried from'?

[Tarheelkeith]

06:48 AM on 12/13/2011

What I have noticed in my relationships is, it's all about doing for the other person. Always making them feel special. Like you actually care about them. I know when I feel like the other person loves me so much that they would do anything for me, I feel the same love back for them. The key is to nevber get "relaxed" in a relationship.

[heerox001]

02:41 AM on 12/13/2011

Thank you for promoting being faithful.

[Nancy Fagan]

03:35 AM on 12/13/2011

Hi Mr./Ms. Heerox001,

Having a strong, trusting bond with someone long term is one of the greatest gifts of life.

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­orceHelpC­l­inic.com

[Totalitarianliberalism]

12:50 AM on 12/13/2011

First of all when you are married, the first thing to do is to destroy all social network face space whatever accounts.

When we pledge ourselves to the most important person in our lives in front of family, friends, nation and your God, we have have an obligation to maintain our self control and not be with anyone else ever again, forever.

Those who do stray from their spouse have no respect for anyone else nor themselves and dont deserve the person they are with.

You make the commitment you are obliged to keep your promise.

Does a persons word mean nothing anymore, disgusting.

[Nancy Fagan]

03:32 AM on 12/13/2011

Hi Mr. Totalitarianliberalism,

How refreshing! Thank you for sharing.

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­orceHelpC­l­inic.com

[Totalitarianliberalism]

05:55 AM on 12/13/2011

Hi Nancy,

Thank you for eloquently explaining that a lifetime partnership is based on loving and respecting your spouse with selflessness and empathy.

When both parties involved are able to do that for themselves and each other there is no thing that will drive them apart, making them a true united force, able to deal with all of lifes challenges together.

[jontrentj]

10:14 AM on 12/13/2011

It must be great living in Fantasy land!

[Averagedancer]

12:28 AM on 12/13/2011

Misleading paragraph title aside, the best thing I've read about couples remaining together for the long haul was simply that to love your partner is a conscious decision, made daily. I don't recall the exact wording, but what I gleaned from it was the ability - and willingness - to wake up and decide to love your spouse, and only your spouse. Yes, the butterflies may wax and wane in the face of jobs, children, mortgages and all of the little things that must be dealt with, but remaining honourable with one another is truly a choice that is worth the effort. Think about your children: Every day most parents wake and although they might think of exchanging their children at times, they don't do it. And they don't trade them in for younger, better looking kids. They accept them as they are and instead find ways to bend in order to make the parent/child relationship work better, if it hasn't been going so well. The parent/child relationship endures. Men and women view their spousal relationships on a much more superficial level, in the sense that if they tire of one another, another partner can easily be had. Wake up, and give your intimate relationships the same due. Couldn't hurt.

[Nancy Fagan]

03:39 AM on 12/13/2011

Hi Mr./Ms. Averagedancer,

I have never read this comparison before and it's SO relevant. Thank you for sharing your insightfulness.

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­orceHelpC­l­inic.com

[Kathleen Dipaolo]

10:58 PM on 12/12/2011

darn....i thought this was going to offer some salacious juicy insight into the creepy world of the married
yet still dating crowd...very enticing little grabber Ms Fagan!

[notaniceguy]

08:25 PM on 12/12/2011

Cheating is opportunistic thing. There are 1000's different scenarios why people cheat. If a woman is really attractive and out (not home busy with kids, say), men will be constantly trying to get a shot at her and I am not counting friends or friends of friends. Same goes for men. So, as we are all animals, it is hard not to for some people. It's not an excuse and I am not saying it's right, just saying.

[Totalitarianliberalism]

12:57 AM on 12/13/2011

Cheating is not an oppurtunistic thing, it is a betrayal thing and those who do it are bottom feeders.

[g2services]

09:28 AM on 12/13/2011

Agreed! It is pretty easy to avoid situations where you would be tempted. Don't go into Baskin Robbins if you are trying to diet.