Man, Woman, Wild is a nature survival series on the Discovery Channel. I started watching the show mid-season last year and got hooked. The show centers around a loving couple--Mykel Hawke, a former Special Forces survival expert and his wife Ruth, a TV journalist. Together they pool their skills to conquer the obstacles as they make their way to safety.
Season 2 opened with a disturbing change. Mykel and Ruth seem to be on their most dangerous journey ever--the path toward divorce. Whether their negative interaction is due to TV editing or truly a sign of relationship trouble, I'll never know. But what I do know is that there is a valuable lesson to be learned for anyone who has ever wanted to know how a relationship falls apart. And more importantly, how you can fix your relationship if you see the same signs.
Mykel and Ruth demonstrate how easy it is to let critical issues derail a relationship by not seeing what's right in front of their faces. A relationship breakdown begins with passive communication: jabs, nagging, insults, ignoring your partner's needs, expecting your partner to know what's wrong. Read the following exchanges between Mykel and Ruth to see if you can catch the true undercurrent of what is actually being communicated:
In the first quote, Ruth is letting Mykel's know that she thinks he's always mean to her. Because he's not catching her point, he misses the opportunity to directly confront what is bothering her. In the second quote, Mykel is letting her know that his rest is more important than hers. If he'd simply acknowledged her fatigue rather than ignoring it, the likelihood of resentment growing would be nil.
Like most couples, clearly Mykel and Ruth are blind to the subtleties that create fatal relationship problems down the road. In order to catch them early on, you need to know what to watch for. Below is a list of behaviors that indicate your partner is emotionally shutting you out of his or her life. If you see any of these (especially if they increase) you need to make your relationship a top priority and get to work on finding solutions.
The difference between couples who stay happily married and those who divorce have one distinct difference. The ones who last are tuned into communication nuances and quick to find solutions when issues begin to percolate. Those who divorce wait until the problems are unbearable; therefore seek divorce as the resolution.
As for Mykel and Ruth, I'm confident that this misadventure will be solved like all the others, by coming together and working as one. I'll know things are back to normal when I hear Mykel say, "Ruth, I've made your favorite pine needle tea using the swamp water." With that, she'll go back to giving him a loving look and kissing him softly as the screen fades to black.
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If you read the article you will see I'm not saying they are getting a divorce, I simply use their behavior as a sample of what red flags look like. They demonstrated a perfect example for people to learn from. All couples have trouble times and all couples have red flag signs. They only become dangerous to a relationship when they continue.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
Having known a few special forces service members and families (stationed with a few thousand of them for three years), what you ascribe to "survival mode" of a US Special Forces trained person is inaccurate. They are, as a function of training / screening, highly functional / well balanced individuals who are highly intelligent & trained, focused on "doing for others". This one instance in this TV show of "who takes first watch", remember was "edited for tv" by a director and producer ... who knows what conversation transpired at what point prior to this exchange where what expectations were set?
Nancy using this exchange from a tv show might best be taken literally as what she states, a jumping off point to a list, and not making a statement / conjecture about Ruth & Mykel's "real" relationship through a quasi "reality" tv show, even though it is discovery channel.
The example of Ruth/Mykel was used because, survival mode or not, there was a significant change in how they interacted/spoke to each other/etc. from season one to season two.
When a spouse notices a change in the way the other spouse (or even self) treats the other, talking about it is a good thing. I'm not talking about a change that can be explained by something such as a car crash, illness, being fired from a job, a sick parent, hormonal change (PMS, menopause), I'm talking about a change in behavior that doesn't go away. That is when it is something to be concerned with.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
So to digress into possible confusion from the perceived value and point of your article, in today's "reality tv" and tabloid headline world, it is challenging to identify where there is "cross-marketing" going on, as opposed to "documentary" ... (discovery channel tv is the source reference for the bullet list).
For example, how much of Ashton Kucher's "publicized" extra curricular activities are explicitly planned to "use" existing communication channels (huffington post, tabloids, twitter, fb, ...) to get "free" publicity for 2 & 1/2 men (ascribe credibility to his show character, from his "real life" marriage to a 47 year with two children - no matter how "hot" some may consider her to be)?
Yes, I pointed out the exact same point in my blog, "...Whether their negative interaction is due to TV editing or truly a sign of relationship trouble, I'll never know..."
No one will ever know if what the public is seeing, is real. However, people learn from example because it is a lot easier to see in other people than in our own relationships. This was my point of using the reality TV couple on the survival show, "...there is a valuable lesson to be learned for anyone who has ever wanted to know how a relationship falls apart. And more importantly, how you can fix your relationship if you see the same signs."
The Man, Woman, Wild couple is not the source of the bullet list of signs to watch for. It is a list of common signs all couples display when they grow apart. And again, couples DO grow close-apart-close-apart-etc through the course of a normal, happy relationship. The bullet list is just a measure to gage the temperature of any relationship. The more signs you see, the more serious you need to take the matter by addressing the issue to help pull the relationship back together and keep it strong.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
With that said, I find a great deal of bias and naivete on your part. It seems to be a given that men are ALWAYS suppose to meet their wives needs. Assuming that to be the case, why is the opposite NOT true? If the wife wants whatever her romantic needs might be met and the husband is compliant, then why should the same standard not apply for the wife?
Women remove SEX from the "romantic" equation. Women unilaterally decide this is not a "romantic" need. Hence, my manhood is eviscerated.
Just who the hell are you or any other woman to say that SEX is not a valid "romantic" desire? I believe that whatever my partner feels is their desire, I should meet it unless it is something that I simply find hideous.
But with women, THEY want to set the rules. ALL the blasted rules!!! The man is only allowed to be like a little kid and be happy with whatever.
Life at its very core is simple. Relationships require both parties to meet each others need, however defined.
Again, it's ALWAYS about what the woman wants! BS!!!
I don't remember writing some of the things you mentioned. In particular, the topics that apparently angered you. I would be interested in having you cut and paste quotes from the article that you felt were bias.
Let me see if I can bring clarification for some of the issues that were raised for you.
1. You wrote, "It seems to be a given that men are ALWAYS suppose to meet their wives needs."
My response: Absolutely not! Both men and women should meet each other's needs. When one partner feels he's doing all the work, it's time to open the lines of communication--ask her what's going on.
2. You wrote, "Women remove SEX from the "romantic" equation."
My response: Women are just as sexual as men. However, a woman's sexual desire can be connected to her emotions. If a woman pulls away from a man's advances, there is probably an emotional issue under it (upset about work issues, relationship issues, family issues. If she pulls back, it doesn't alway have to be about her partner.
3. You Wrote, "SEX is not a valid "romantic" desire?"
My response: Sex can be romantic or anything you want it to be. I agree. If you're in the mood go for it! If she's not, she might need a little warming up. That is where romance comes in. Women get turned on by romance.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
There are good men out there. Are you sure you aren't discouraging them in favor of a "bad boy" that we know women prefer until they catch one?
The fact you wrote to me tells me the way he treats you is upsetting. You need to ask yourself one question, "Do I want to be treated this way?" If not, move on to a man who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Turning it around sometimes helps to bring more understanding to your situation. If your best friend was in a relationship with and he treated her the way your boyfriend treats you, what advice would you give her? I have no idea if your relationship is good, bad, etc. That is why only YOU can decide what is best for you. If you think going to counseling will help, set an appointment. If you think someone at your place of worship can help, set an appointment.
Just because you're unhappy with how your partner treats you does NOT mean you have to break up. A couple can learn to work together and learn healthier ways to interact. Best of luck.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
Terms of endearment are just that--affectionate phrases that are reserved for the ones we love the most. The terms used are unique and personal to every couples. I've heard all sorts of terms that seem different or odd, but they are special to the two people using them. I couldn't begin to guess why they chose those particular terms. Be concerned when you stop hearing them used.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
No, you are not the only one to notice the change in the Man, Woman, Wild couple's relationship. I've received countless private e-mails saying the same thing about them. Share with the readers the signs that that you noticed. Again, turning back to the lesson of the article, use what you see in others to recognize the same signs in your relationship.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
I agree with you that the "most rude or mean comments" can be explained by a person's anger/fear. Threat is another aspect of fear that causes overly reactive behaviors in people. BTW, I liked the examples you used to describe fear. It made it very clear.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
Sex and emotional connection are closely linked for both men and women. When one or both people are upset about something in the relationship, the first place it shows is in the intimacy department. No one wants to be close to a partner they are angry with (human nature 101). The bullet list of emotionally shutting down behaviors listed in the article apply to both sexes.
The display of romance is different for every person. However, the foundation of romantic behaviors are those with sentiment, love, care, and selflessness. Both men and women have these qualities and when they display them in a kind gesture, it is considered romantic.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
Eventually, if you're honest, the only things the man considers romantic are the very things that the woman could be doing and is not doing.
#1 Be sexy with him. Enjoy sex with him. Initiate sex with him.
#2 Cook him his favorite meal. Cook him a meal. Make him a sandwich.
I was with my ex for 19 years and pretty early on after we were married and moved in together, she started pushing me away and treating me like a pervert. I tried everything, but nothing worked. Things only got worse and we only had sex twice in the last year we were together. I was an idiot. I thought my ex wife was too pure and angelic to have a strong sex drive like me, and I just lived with it because there were so many other things I loved about her.
My article has stirred up the "Man, Woman, Child " community, including the couple from the show, "Nancy this is Mykel and Ruth and we're deeply offended that you would write an article about us that is completely fictitious and call it professional journalism." Other comments were similar to what "Mari wrote, "In the words of Ruth Hawke: "Piss off!" Nancy Fagan."
What most surprised me about their reactions was the fact that they missed the point of the article--learning to notice warning signs to fix them early. Because it can be a challenge to recognize what is happening in your own relationship, it’s always easier to spot “trouble” in other couples. So basically, learn by watching, grow by doing.
To end on a positive note, Just a second ago a man who understood the article wrote, "I loved the article. I briefly read the article last night and really want to read it more diligently again today, so many emotions came flooding in as I quick read it last night. This time I really want to pay attention to the warning signs as they are so obvious at this point in my life."
I invite you to share your opinions. I think even criticism is great. If my writing catches your attention and also provoked you enough to spend your energy to respond, I think it's fantastic! Share. Share. Share.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
If someone had written something similar about my ex and I before our divorce I probably would have found it offensive. A year after he was gone and I looked back with clarity I could see the reality of the situation I had lived in.
What is going on here is indicative of what goes on in most marriages. No one takes notice until it is too late AND they certainly don't want an outsider pointing fingers and messing with the marital image they hold so tightly too. Good for you for being willing to do just that!
Well put! Interesting that you saw the same thing I saw in the change of their interactions. I think people who have been through divorce recognize signs in other couples before anyone else does. If my blog can help even one couple see trouble before it's too late, then I've done my job.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com
However, in my experience (of my own 24 years of marriage, and those of other couples I know) marriages go through "dry spells" characterized by any number of these symptoms, and can still recover, if there is enough patience and good will on one (but preferably, very much so, both) sides.
Then again, many don't.
In any case, thank you for your post.
You're absolutely right. All long term relationships have good and bad times. Bad times can be anything that either impacts both partners or just one. When one partner's issue becomes a fatal flaw in the marriage, it becomes a problem for both people. Recognizing the signs of trouble and catching them before they turn into deep resentment, the better. Having honest, and sometimes uncomfortable, conversations with a spouse is critical. From there a couple can find a solution that works for both people.
Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
http://www.TheDivorceHelpClinic.com