I recently discovered that my chances of getting divorced are over 400 percent. While a sane person might be a little apprehensive about tying the knot when confronted with this information, I've only continued to cultivate an insatiable desire to get married one day.
Here's how I arrived at that dooming number. According to research published by Cambridge University in 2005, having divorced parents gives me a 40 percent chance of getting divorced myself. My parents then remarried -- which statistically gives me a 91 chance of divorce -- and then my dad and my stepmom divorced each other, then remarried each other again.
By my calculations, that's 40 percent, plus 91 (times two, to account for both parents), plus another 40 and 91, plus 50 -- to account for the percent chance of failure that's become the tagline for modern American marriage -- and I arrive at this: a 443 percent change of divorce.
Okay, I admit that I never made it past high school pre-calculus, so my math could be a little, well, off. (As a writer, numbers make me feel all icky inside.) Still, stricken by the idea that I was a numerical bad seed, I turned to my boyfriend, Greg, who patiently explained to me that, according to the rules of "math," I couldn't just add percentages like that. (I assume he knows what he's talking about since he's a computer science engineer and he minored in mathematics in college.) He also assured me that statistics aren't indicators that something will happen to a specific person.
Even despite the unfavorable data, I should at least be a little apprehensive about, if not terrified of, marriage. My aforementioned divorced parents (a.k.a the people who've made me unmarriageable) didn't have the kind of split after which birthdays and holidays were jointly observed. Whether I switched off or celebrated twice, for most of my life I've chosen one place -- one parent -- over the other. My mom and dad each created their own, very separate lives, which I assume is pretty standard operating procedure when you're no longer married.
Yet, even after seeing the aftermath of my parents' failed marriage, getting hitched myself has always been -- and remains -- my foremost romantic goal. Every relationship I've been in -- even some non-relationships I've been in -- had me optimistic that this would be the guy I'd marry. In the sense that I'd use my zone-out moments, like while I blow-dried my hair, to ponder just how I'd phrase the "how we met and fell madly in love" story for the wedding toast. Yes, I'm that kind of girl.
But, while I'll habitually (and happily) tune in to "Say Yes To the Dress," the wedding part of getting married isn't actually what I look forward to. In fact, when I think about the logistics of the event a familiar discomfort creeps in -- the same one that washes over me any time both my sets of parents are forced to be in the same place at the same time because of their one common denominator, yours truly. There are looming questions that I just don't want to have to answer: Will both my dad and my stepdad walk me down the aisle? Will I have two father-daughter dances? Will everyone just wish I'd eloped instead -- including me?
What I do want is everything I've decided that marriage stands for: not just love and partnership, but security, even refuge. I'm hoping for someone to choose me instead of having to be the one who does the choosing. Marriage means no longer having to gravitate between my two parental poles, but establishing my own home base. And while I know that, rationally, having a happy and satisfying relationship should be enough in itself, my marriage-mindedness won't turn off.
Instead of cautioning me to fear marriage, my parents' divorce -- while a statistical setback -- has become an unlikely source of inspiration (or, in some moments, desperation). When I was researching a possible book a couple years ago, I interviewed a friend of mine whose parents had divorced shortly after mine and asked her if she'd ever considered never getting married. Her response, a resounding "no," echoed my own seemingly irrational feelings: "Especially coming from a divorced family, I want to have a family of my own to make memories with and enjoy," she said.
My friend has since married and she and her husband recently celebrated her first wedding anniversary. I hope her marriage filled the void that I imagine she and other divorced children feel (hopefully it's not just me -- awkward!). And, more than anything, I hope that my own marriage someday lives up to my expectations, absolving the failures of my parents and giving me the stability that I craved.
And, if not, I suppose that I should keep those statistics handy in case I need to explain how I ended up divorced.
Natasha Burton is the co-author of The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags: Relationship Warning Signs You Totally Spotted...But Chose to Ignore
Follow Natasha Burton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/NatashaNBurton
I already know she's going to get divorced, because everything she says is about her own point of view, and her own dreams, never once mentioning what she thinks a man might be wanting or dreaming about, or being sure that she gives that to him.
My first marriage lasted 21 years. I am at 15.5 years into my second.
Long term coupling (marriage or equivalent) tends to keep you alive longer. My mother saved my father in his 60's. He saved her life in her 70's. After she died, he remarried. His new wife just saved him (he is 86) and he has been keeping her out of the nursing facility.
1. be polite to each other
2. communicate
3. live within your means
I would add several more to it though..
4. give each other monogamy, ie. don't cheat
5. give each other a sex life, ie. don't force your spouse into being a spouse without benefits against their wishes
6. show each other a positive outlook on life, ie. don't be an Eeyore, or a 'glass is half empty' type, or a constant complainer. It wears you down to live with a constantly negative person.
4. and 5. are equal in importance despite that many selfish men think 4 is not important and selfish women think 5 is not important. The reason 4 and 5 are equal is because for men the importance of a sex life in marriage is the same as how women view the importance of monogamy in marriage. And similarly, for women the importance of a sex life in marriage is the same as how men view the importance of monogamy in marriage. If you are SELFISH and UNWILLING to give your spouse what they consider most important, then you don't deserve to get in return what you consider to
be most important. And it works both ways.
Finally, I'd add a 7th item to the list that pertains to how you behave BEFORE marriage.
7. Don't pretend to be someone you're not in the dating stage, only to become your real self after the "I do's" are over.
This should prepare them for adulthood and relatonships. That is the best advose I can offer them besides listen to Precy Sledge and "take time to know her" .
Can marriages be successful? Of course they CAN be, but more than likely they will not be, our current divorce rate pretty much demonstrates that. But you could be an exception, who knows. Relationships are hard and they take a great deal of work, whether they are formalized by a piece of paper or just a simple live-in arrangement. If you have so many doubts, don't get married.
If you do want a simple stat, just consider that 50% of first marriages apparently end in divorce.
So you're dealing with a coin flip here.
Many marriages that end in divorce didn’t fail. One or both spouses failed the marriage. They fail to nurture it and when they didn’t feel good in it or when their eye (and then other parts) wandered, they discarded what no longer felt good.
Marriage is a commitment. You can choose different vows, but most still say "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health... as long as we both shall live." You don't have to say them. But if that is what you want and what you mean, then you need to work on them and honor them.
Divorces happen to people who don't want them; 80% of divorces are unilateral. You can only do your part. And part of those typical vows is to uphold your part through your spouses doubts. It won't always pull the marriage through and avoid divorce, but it can.
If you get married do not go in merely expecting it to last forever--or to end. Go in with the mind-set that you are in this as long as you both shall live, not that you can undo it if you want.
A lot of divorces are simple caused by people thinking they can divorce; it's their way of solving the problem. But the marriage or spouse are not usually the problem. Sometimes the problem is internal and sometimes it's simply learning to be married--even after 30 years of already having been married to each other.
If you do marry and have kids (really the only reason for the formality of marriage) all you hope for at best is to see your kids off and out of the house by age 18 or when the turn adults. Everything beyond that is pure gravy. I guess work like heck to keep the family together for 18 to 20 years would be considered a great success today.
Marriage is not for everyone. Til death do us part is part isn't for everyone even if marriage is--so don't include it in the vows.
But it is for some and maybe even many.