HuffPost staff writer Natasha Burton and her boyfriend, Greg St. Clair, live together, which means that Monday nights he can either resign himself to the office, or watch "The Bachelorette" with her. He chose the option that wins him more brownie points (watching "The Bachelorette," of course).
Every Tuesday, they'll share their respective thoughts on the latest episode. Missed last week's recap? Read it here.
This week, the boys journeyed to yet another European city for more aimless wandering with Emily. She gave out four roses and we have five awards for this episode's standout behavior.
Least Explosive Scandal: Arie (with Cassie, the producer)
Emily's date with Arie was punctuated by not one, but two interstitials of Chris Harrison breaking a situation down for us: Allegedly, Arie had a "relationship" with one of the show's producers. Emily was determined to get to the bottom of it by making Arie rub some statue of a dog and asking him theoretical questions about loyalty.
Greg: I never thought I would say this, but I miss Ashley. At least she did fun things ... lots of helicopter rides and the like. Emily just wants to walk around old European cities. She's like my grandmother.
Natasha: Aren't they supposed to be doing crazy things together to forever bind them by adrenaline and a fear of death?
Greg: Emily and Arie teetered on the edge by rubbing some kind of loyalty dog statue.
Natasha: And Chris Harrison, in one of his few shining moments of the season, told us that Arie may have once gone on a date with one of the show's producers, Cassie, 10 years ago. That would be like you being mad about a guy I kissed when I was 18. Who cares?
Greg: Emily does. She cares about honesty and loyalty. And statues that represent honesty and loyalty.
Natasha: It didn't matter anyway because Emily realized she was being crazypants. Plus, Arie had something more important to talk about. Love.
Greg:Yes, Arie dropped the L-bomb to some chick he kind of knows. I think he's moving too fast. (ZOOOOOM! Racecar reference!)
Natasha: He said he felt like he was on top of the world.
Greg: No Arie, you were just on top of a boat.
Natasha: I think it was a barge.
Most Deserving Of His Underdog Status: John ("Wolf")
The Wolfman's one-on-one date seemed as much of a "Bachelorette" formality as Travis the Egg Guy's date last week (since, clearly, both were about to be kicked off the show). Emily tested his knowledge of communism, his painting abilities and his locksmithing skills, then it was onto some dungeon for a romantic dinner that people who were actually in love could have enjoyed. John set the mood by recounting how his ex cheated on him with a "doctor dude" and then ignored him for three days.
Natasha: Emily said it herself: This date needed to kick their relationship into "high gear."
Greg: John's big move? Exclaiming: "The architecture here is insane. I want to go into THAT building."
Natasha: Hey, I love going into buildings. Going through doors. Going up stairs. Sometimes down.
Greg: Because you can kick it into HIGH GEAR. Boom. Next, Emily gave a history lesson about communism and the censorship of music.
Natasha: Today's words on "Sesame Street" start with the letter "C."
Greg: Apparently the suppressed communist people couldn't listen to The Beatles, but they could graffiti some wall about how awesome Lennon was. The More You Know (cue music + rainbow graphic). Then, Emily took John to put a lock on some wall where people in love are supposed to put locks.
Natasha: Perfect! So they can go back with their spouses someday and say, "Hey, some person I didn't care about and I put a lock on this special wall." But, alas, John couldn't figure how to close the lock -- despite the fact that he called himself a "closer" in reference to his "Bachelorette" strategy.
Greg: What kind of guy can't figure out how to close a lock? Step 1: Close lock. Step 2: If you are still following these directions, you are an idiot.
Best PDA: Sean; Worst PDA: Doug
After hearing he was on the group date, Sean snuck out and shouted Emily's name through the streets of Prague. He was rewarded with some slow-mo making-out against an alley wall. Then, on the date, Doug managed to make us feel as awkward as Emily looked when he tried to give her a mid-dumpage kiss, providing a stark contrast to Sean's virile masculinity.
Natasha: Sean's second award for this episode? "Most Surprising Stalker"
Greg: This is why Europeans think Americans are arrogant: because we don't care if we wake up half the neighborhood so long as we get a pseudo-romantic moment on a reality TV show. But, if I could be serious for a moment, Sean's going to win. He's the best fit for her.
Natasha: He has the best fitting shirts, that's for sure. After Sean and Emily's late-night dalliance, it was time for the group date: Emily said that she has the perfect mode of transportation for the guys. I was hoping for a spaceship or a Ferrari. But, no, it was a horse-drawn carriage.
Greg: Nothing says romance like farting horses in the rain.
Natasha: Doug was optimistic about how awesome it was that he signed up for the "Bachelorette" and had yet to go snorkeling, jump off a cliff or take a helicopter ride. In fact, he called the date "an 11-and-a-half-year-old's dream" and he said this with no apparent sense of irony or bitterness. This was the first sign that something was wrong with him.
Greg: After finally getting a moment alone, Doug mildly freaked out when his leg touched Emily's. Even his muscles couldn't make up for his awkwardly prude nature.
Natasha: He said that he wished Emily would give him, "'hey big dummy give me a kiss' eyes." But, she clearly did not want to give anything to, or get anything from, Dad-Doug.
Greg: Unfortunately for Emily (but fortunately for us), that didn't stop him from giving her an impromptu kiss while she was in the middle of asking him to leave. Fail.
Creepiest Puppeteer: Jef
In the third walking-around-looking-at-random-crap date of the episode, Jef and Emily encountered a marionette store, which gave way to what could have been one of the most frightening human interactions we've ever witnessed. The date culminated with Jef's shocking revelation to Emily: "I want to date you so hard and marry the **** out of you." Yikes.
Natasha: Emily is testing these guys' wills with these dates. Who can withstand endless shopping and looking in store windows without complaining?
Greg: She and Jef bought some weird-looking puppets that they thought looked like them and then Jef ran back to the store for a third purchase -- a mini-puppet for Little Ricki.
Natasha: Nice work, Jef. Except for the fact that it will probably give her nightmares.
Greg: After his move, Emily said, "I really can see myself walking into Jef's office one day." Did she mean his Mom's basement?
Natasha: Those puppets ended up derailing the whole date: Soon, Emily and Jeff were reenacting every highlight of their relationship in high school dialogue. A sample: Emily: You make me really nervous and make me say awkward stuff; Jef: I like your nail polish; Emily: Okay I'm never changing it.
Greg: It was surprisingly less awkward than their normal conversations.
Natasha: Am I the only one bothered by the fact that they were using dolls to talk out their feelings? Isn't this what children do in therapy?
Greg: I wonder if they'll use the puppets on the fantasy date.
And, finally, we made it to the rose ceremony. Throughout the episode, Chris was freaking out about getting let go, but because his crying was so annoying, we didn't want to give him any more attention than necessary. In the end, he bested John for what will surely be fourth place (and the next guy to leave the show in man-tears). In addition to Chris, Arie, Jef and Sean will also move on to next week's "Who Wants To Be Little Ricki's Grandparents?" contest.
Until next time, amuse yourself with some of the best quotes from the latest episode and vote for the one that you think is the most ridiculous.