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'The Bachelorette' Episode 5: Royal Courting In London

Posted: 06/12/2012 11:59 am

HuffPost staff writer Natasha Burton and her boyfriend, Greg St. Clair, live together, which means that Monday nights he can either resign himself to the office, or watch "The Bachelorette" with her. He chose the option that wins him more brownie points (watching "The Bachelorette," of course).

Every Tuesday, they'll share their respective thoughts on the latest episode. Missed last week's recap? Read it here.

This week, our troupe of men and their lady-in-matrimonial-waiting hopped across the pond to London. Sean and Jef's much anticipated one-on-one dates were bloody boring, but on the group date, Emily pulled a King Henry VIII and sent Kalon to the stockades. Now that feelings are no longer just developing, but "progressing," the episode left us perplexed as to whom Emily will ultimately chose to be her knight in shining armor. (Another question we had: Were the British common folk intimidated by, or in awe of Emily's blinding veneers?) Nonetheless, we've doled out our customary superlatives to the men who caught our eye this week.

Best Oratory Skills: Sean
After a tour of the city on a private double-decker bus, Emily took Sean to dine in a former prison and grilled him about how many kids he is willing to have (he said one or two at first, but promised to go as high as six or 10 after prompted by Emily). After proclaiming his thoughts on love from a park bench, and later assuring Emily that he will have her back no matter what, Sean emerged from this episode as a potential final-three contender.
Greg: The highlight of the date was when Sean got invited to speak at "Speakers' Corner" by a merry band of homeless people who were debating what "the greatest freedom" was.
Natasha: Come on down, fine sir! Stand upon this jolly good bench and speak thy mind! Sean gave some speech about "loving with an eternal type of love" and it was eerily not laughable. (Emily said, "Listening to Sean talk about love is so hot.") He had vocal swagger and sounded humble but confident.
Greg: If I know anything from 2.5 years of "The Bachelor/Bachelorette," girls like confidence. Note to self for next time I am in London: Don't go to Speakers' Corner. We have enough of that in Santa Monica. I wonder if Sean donated his loose change after giving his speech.
Natasha: To continue the greatest hits of London tourist traps, Emily took Sean to dinner in the Tower of London. Nothing says romance like a place where countless people were tortured and killed. King Henry and his headless wives in the HIZZZZY!
Greg: When she started rattling off historical English facts, my mind flashed to the Sarah Palin world-history coaching scenes from "Game Change"
Natasha: Sean loved it. He said he had the "best day of his life."
Greg: I think he said "date." The best day of your life was spent on a bus and in a prison? Man, I hope he said date.

Best Actor: Ryan
During the group date, Emily subjected the guys to Shakespeare in the Park -- meaning that they all went to a random park and she made them perform Shakespeare. While some of the guys choked (Kalon kept referring to having to read a few lines off a card as "his performance," to which Emily said that the "needed to realize that it wasn't Broadway"), Travis, Arie and Doug showed her that "they could put their egos aside." However, no one looked more comfortable playing a part than Ryan, which wasn't all that surprising since he's been acting as the quintessential "bad boy" in the dating world for the last 30 years. As Arie so aptly put it: Ryan, "thouest suck." (Aw, snap.)
Natasha:Ryan looks dead behind the eyes
Greg: It's because he has no soul. He's also mostly an idiot, but initiating a make-out session with Emily as part of the play was a good move.
Natasha: So much so that Emily said that he was "the perfect Romeo." Really? Stop thinking with your ladyparts, fair maiden! You know that "he's trouble" -- you said it yourself. A guy who says, "when a girl tells you that you're trouble, and she smiles when she says it, sometimes I think she wants to get in trouble," should not be Little Ricky's stepfather. Haven't you had enough?
Greg: He keeps leading her into whatever dark corners he can find and presenting her with terrible presents. First a nine-page love letter, then this time he gave her some street-vendor-procured necklace.
Natasha: A telltale sign of a player: Bestowing random jewelry thinking that it will make a woman drop her panties.
Greg: It won't?
Natasha: Women can (usually) see through it when a guy's like, "oh, here's a necklace because I want to sleep with you." Though, before the rose ceremony (but after creepily isolating Emily from the group yet again), Ryan reprised his Romeo role and performed the balcony scene for her. Now THAT is how to get laid.
Greg: I will lose all faith in humanity if Emily ends up sleeping with this guy.

Biggest Villain of the Season: Kalon
Last week, Ryan made some comment about wanting to be the next "Bachelor" but since he only told his plan to some guy who ended up getting kicked off, Emily never found out. Which was probably for the best because she almost went medieval on Kalon after finding out that he equated Little Ricky with "baggage" in front of the other guys, a statement that was called into question on the group date.
Natasha: During the pub part of the group date, Kalon told Chris that he sees Emily as "an exhausted, sick mother who has a child either "weighing her down" or "waiting on her" -- even after rewinding six times, I have no idea which one he said, but neither is good.
Greg: Chris then attempted to win Doug's respect by ratting out Kalon.
Natasha: As the House Dad, Doug was pissed. But while Kalon is a terrible person, having a kid is a big responsibilty and if he's not ready for it, then it was a good thing that he voiced his doubts. Just not to Doug. Who then told Emily.
Greg: Plot twist! Doug isn't The Hulk after all: In a fit of rage, Emily said that she wanted to rip Kalon's limbs off and beat him with them. Hard core.
Natasha: "I want to go West Virginia, hoodrat, backwoods on his ass." That was honestly the best "Bachelorette" quote ever. I want that on a t-shirt.
Greg: I'm scared of Emily. She's took Kalon to school. And, unfortunately for Kalon, I'm not talking about Yale.
Natasha: Emily told him that Ricky is a "blessing, not baggage" and that "anyone with the tiniest heart could see that." (In your FACE!) However, in some ways, I get Kalon's point in that he knows what it's like to have a single mom. His mom probably didn't have a boatload of family money like Emily does.
Greg: There were no winners on this date. Even though Doug organized the anti-Kalon inquisition, he got rejected when he tried to console Emily. She went home to be with her "baggage," leaving the date rose and about 10 unfinished beers on the table. A terrible night all around.
Natasha: She was annoyed that the others guys didn't have her back.
Greg: Sean would have said something. He's a Speakers' Corner veteran.

Most Likely to Go Home In Tears: Jef
We wondered if this one-on-one might take us just across to the English Channel into France for a jaunt through Euro Disney (where Jef is tall enough to ride all the rides!) but Emily settled on taking him to high tea etiquette training instead. When she realized that he could wipe his own mouth without her assistance, she let him bust her out of Miss Jean's Tea Cotillion and lead her into the nearest pub. While Jef finally went in for a kiss and Emily seems oddly fascinated by him, we're still not convinced that he's stepfather potential, especially when compared to guys like Doug.
Natasha: Jesus, afternoon high tea? Even I'm bored by these dates!
Greg: Emily said that she had a surprise for Jef: It's a 75-year-old British etiquette teacher! SCORE! First rule for being a gentleman -- don't cut your hair like a 12-year-old surf rat.
Natasha: It's more like a wave that a surf rat would ... surf. Whatever. All I know is that the London humidity was not kind to Jef's hair
Greg: The plus side of this god-awful date was that I learned what I'm supposed to do with my napkin if I need to go to the "loo."
Natasha: Luckily for Jef and the American "Bachelorette"-watching public, Emily was down to "stick one of those cakes in her pocketbook and roll on out," giving etiquette teacher Jean confirmation that Americans are rude.
Greg: Jef rolled them over to the bar for beer and fish & chips. It's a good thing the drinking age there is 18.
Natasha: Soon, the conversation turned to Kalon and Jef summed up his readiness to be a father as follows: "If Ricky is baggage, then she is a Chloe bag that I want to have forever." The way to win Emily's heart: compare her daughter to couture. Something she can understand.
Greg: I don't know what Chloe is, but I'm assuming it's nice. I would have only been able to compare Ricky to Samsonite because that's the only luggage brand I know. (Thank you "Dumb and Dumber"!)
Natasha: She really likes him. And, by the end of the date, I kind of did too. He said that if Emily and Little Ricky moved in, there would be dance parties all night. Sold.
Greg: Emily was worried that she and Ricky will ruin Jef's "single party" in Salt Lake City. I don't think he parties that much ... he lives in Salt Lake City.
Natasha: And while he looks like the youngest brother from "Home Improvement," Emily gives him "the feeling that people write fairytales about‬." That's some legit "Bachelorette" magic at work.
Greg: Man, he just crushed the mushy lines. Jef gives nerdy guys all over the world hope. The closest he's ever come to a girl like Emily is in his mom's Sears underwear catalogue. It's too bad he's going to be absolutely devastated sometime in the next 1-3 episodes.

In the end, Sean, Jef, Doug Ryan, Chris, John, Travis and Arie remained while Alejandro was sent packing (Greg: Emily must have reached her five-episode minimum for having at least one non-white contestant). Next week, they'll travel to Dubovnik, Croatia, where it seems like Emily fell in love with multiple guys (polyamory, anyone?) but then ended up crying in the street alone after someone referred to her as -- gasp! -- a trophy. We're looking at you, Ryan.

Until next time, amuse yourself with some of the best quotes from the latest episode and vote for the one that you think is the most ridiculous.

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