HuffPost staff writer Natasha Burton and her boyfriend, Greg St. Clair, live together, which means that Monday nights he can either resign himself to the office, or watch "The Bachelorette" with her. He chose the option that wins him more brownie points (watching "The Bachelorette," of course).
Every Tuesday, they'll share their respective thoughts on the latest episode. Missed last week's recap? Read it here.
This week, "The Bachelorette" took off to Bermuda (don't worry, Jef got his mom to sign his permission slip), for a series of three dates: A one-on-one (shopping!), a group (sailing!) and a two-on-one (jumping off tall rocks!). With the testosterone fully flowing -- and feelings "developing" -- here are the most notable suitors from episode four.
Biggest Mental Weakling: Doug
Single dad Doug got the one-on-one date but, instead of being stoked, he "built it up too much in his head," according to Arie, then got his boxer briefs in a bunch when the guys ragged on him. (Quick props to Arie who owned the first intentionally funny moment of the season by comparing Doug to The Hulk: "Doug angry. Doug smash. Doug... sad.") On the date, Emily tried to find out what might lie underneath Doug's chiseled surface and seemingly impeccable character. Apparently, his flaw is that he's just too good of a dad.
Natasha: The date itself was forgettable. Standard "walking around foreign city" date with token visit to statue that people on their honeymoons visit to make stereotypical wish that they find love. Yawn.
Greg: Good thing we DVRed this and finished watching the Spurs-Thunder game.
Natasha: During dinner, Emily wanted to know what Doug's ex-girlfriend complained about. All he could come up with was that he spent too much time with his son and that he didn't wash her car enough.
Greg: He didn't want to tell her about the time he turned green and threw the car into the neighbor's house. HULK ... SMASH!!!!
Natasha: Emily couldn't answer the question when he turned it back on her (though we did learn that she runs errands in her pajamas, which I respect). However, toward the end of the date, Doug revealed -- and I quote -- "I don't ever make the first move, ever." Hello? THAT'S YOUR FLAW!
Greg: That, and talking about himself in the third person. "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug..."
Natasha: ...then she's going to have to initiate it.
Greg: What a turd.
Most Confident: Ryan (misguidedly), Arie (justifiably)
In last week's episode, Ryan spotted Emily kissing Arie, sparking a potential rivalry. Arie, however, doesn't see winning Emily over as the same as "winning her." Ryan, on the other hand, ever the fierce competitor, took the opportunity to slut-shame Emily during the group date -- reinforcing that he only cares about her ability to make him some "pretty kids."
Natasha: The group date featured a sailing competition between two teams of guys. Kalon was finally in his element -- we expected him to throw it in everyone's faces.
Greg: A situation in which Kalon could shine! I hope he brought his lobster pants and boat shoes to Bermuda.
Natasha: Unfortunately, Kalon was overshadowed (at least in screen time) by the guy who rivals Bentley for the title of "biggest douche of all time." I honestly don't even know where to start with Ryan. After the race, he toasted the group, with no trace of humor: "Here's to a great day racing and a beautiful trophy -- possible -- wife."
Greg: Big neck, little brain.
Natasha: Ryan's misogyny spree was briefly interrupted by some Arie/Emily awkward-expressing-of-feelings time.
Greg: And gentle face-touching.
Natasha: Arie better win. Ryan is so CREEPY. When he got Emily alone, he delivered the best unintentionally funny line of the season: "I'm not here to impress you. I'm here to make an impression upon you." What does that even mean?
Greg: He speaks in riddles: "The enemy of great is good"? Sorry, Ryan - you aren't Bill Belichick. You coach five-year-olds. Or something.
Natasha:: Thank god she called him out for constantly commenting on her status as a "beautiful woman." (Side note: Emily, no one believes that you don't work out. Come on.) Anyway. Then, Ryan basically called her a slut for kissing Arie in front of him.
Greg: And said that she was a bad role model to the young girls watching.
Natasha: "I feel like he's judging me." Yes. BECAUSE HE IS, Emily.
Greg: First smart thing she's said.
Natasha: After Emily gave Jef the date rose, Ryan analyzed why she gave it to Jef over Arie, deciding that it must be because she didn't want to make him mad.
Greg: Only Ryan could look at Emily giving another dude the rose as a sign that she likes him.
Most Forgettable: Nate
The always-awkward two-on-one date positioned a guy who we're pretty sure has never spoken, Nate, against John, the guy with the animal nickname. The arbitrarily chosen daring activity (to show who would be more compatible with Emily) was cliff jumping and, during dinner, things got tense -- crying ensued and one guy was sent packing.
Natasha: Based on clothing, my vote was initially for Nate because he wore a pink shirt. Emily seems like the type who'd be drawn to bright colors. The guys, however, voted that John would get the rose, because he has "more swagger." But, the question is, who has the better body?
Natasha: Touché. At dinner, Nate, Emily and John sat next to each other in a row like the "Last Supper" painting. I don't understand why the two-on-one date is so hard. Just start a conversation. Then, everyone contributes. Get it together, people.
Greg: Luckily, Nate discovered something on his plate, breaking the silence.
Natasha: Quinoa! Which he pronounced incorrectly as Quin-Noh-AH, not KEEN-WAH. Oh, the shame.
Greg: That was the most excited I had ever seen him. But soon, he became the third guy to unnecessarily cry on the show.
Natasha: As soon as the man tears started to flow, I deferred to Greg, who said aloud, "Hold on, I got this," before typing furiously.
Greg: Emily asked Nate to tell her one thing about himself, at which point he dove into a 10-minute diatribe about wanting kids (three!), how awesome his family is (cue tears NOW!), and how amazing his friends are.
Natasha: I love how he said "Cheers!" at the end. John had the rose in the bag once he told Emily that he didn't want to "float in the middle of the pack." Confidence trumps crying.
Greg: I mean, his nickname is "Wolf." And wolves don't cry.
Most Likely to Make Natasha Stop Watching "The Bachelor": Ryan
During the cocktail hour, Ryan confided in Michael (the random long-haired dude who never talks) that he thinks he's too good for the show (and, it seems, Emily).
Greg: Ryan revealed that he thinks that his spot on "The Bachelorette" will serve some sort of higher purpose.
Natasha: My first thought, because this is Ryan we're talking about, was a spin-off reality show of sorts.
Greg: And right after you made that prediction, he suggested his own show: "The Bachelor."
Natasha: Some advice, Ryan: Probably shouldn't talk about going on "The Bachelor" while you're still on 'The Bachelorette.' Please, Michael, tell on him.
Most Eager to Prove His Maturity By Being Immature: Chris
Throughout the episode, the guys disclosed the various ways that they feel threatened by each other -- young vs. old, who's kissed Emily vs. who hasn't kissed her, mature vs. immature, meathead vs. speaks in coherent sentences. But, as testosterone levels surged during the cocktail hour, Chris confronted Doug to prove that he really is mature for a 25-year-old.
Greg: At one point, Doug and Ryan had a football huddle about how they don't need to kiss to feel like they are winning.
Natasha: According to them, they only need to be 30+ to win. In the wake of the guys' great debate about whether or not Emily should be with a 25-year-old or a 30-year-old, Chris revealed to Emily that it's a battle of the ages in the house, telling her that -- no matter what anyone (Doug) says -- he's ready to be a husband and a father.
Greg: Chris handled it well with Emily, but during his man-to-man chat with Doug he just seemed like a whiny little kid.
Natasha: His assertion about Doug -- "You're over-the-top humble and I don't believe half the shit you say" -- might very well be true, but his haughty delivery only made Doug laugh in his face.
Greg: Chris - 0, Doug - 1. But the real winners are the innocent people of Bermuda, who luckily escaped The Hulk's rage.
In the end, Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan (Natasha: BARF), Kalon and Alejandro were left standing, along with Jef, Doug and John, who got date roses. (Sadly, Michael left as the only witness to Ryan's secret aspiration to be the next bachelor.) The gang is off to jolly old London, and the next episode promises men in tights, Jef's first one-on-one date (Greg: Dude, don't get your hopes up. She wants a man... not someone else to babysit.), and Emily telling someone to get the f*** out. Juicy!
Until next time, amuse yourself with some of the best quotes from the latest episode and vote for the one that you think is the most ridiculous.
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