HuffPost staff writer Natasha Burton and her boyfriend, Greg St. Clair, live together, which means that Monday nights he can either resign himself to the office, or watch "The Bachelorette" with her. He chose the option that wins him more brownie points (watching "The Bachelorette, of course). Every Tuesday, they'll share their respective thoughts on the latest episode. To kick things off, they've awarded superlatives to some of the more colorful male contestants based on their first impressions. (Disagree with their choices? Sound off in the comments.)
Natasha: On Monday, former "Bachelor" contestant Emily Maynard -- who's been dubbed "America's Newest Sweetheart" by host Chris Harrison -- began her stint on "The Bachelorette" as the show's first single mom.
Greg: And I spent the last night of my twenties blogging about it.
Natasha: Don't let him fool you, he's choosing to spend his final pre-30th birthday hours watching "The Bach." Just like he watched Brad's season and Ashley's season and Ben's season...
Greg: I heard rumors that Bentley [from Ashley's season] would make an appearance. I was very excited about this. I'm also embarrassed that I know who Bentley is.
Natasha: Sadly, no Bentley, but Emily did finally embark on the much-anticipated "greatest adventure of her life" (Chris Harrison is so good with his sweeping, optimistic generalizations) with 25 fairly normal guys and thankfully only gave roses to a couple of the weird ones. What were your overall thoughts of the episode?
Greg: I noticed a lot of pink shirts and ties. I think I need to go clothes shopping.
Natasha: Done. There were too many guys to keep track of on the show -- but at least almost half of them are gone now. While I felt that most of the guys Emily picked were the more unmemorable ones, maybe that's for the best? A lot of the contestants stood out to us, however -- and not always in a good way, so without further ado, here are our first episode superlatives:
Most Unappreciated Bachelor: Ryan
Natasha: I thought that the signs he held up when he met her ("You Are Beautiful," "I'm So Nervous") were undervalued by Emily, especially in light of all the crazy that preceded him.
Greg: Yeah, Ryan killed it with his signs.
Best Potential Stepdad to Emily's Daughter "Little Ricky": Doug
Natasha: Doug got the coveted "first impression rose" despite the fact that he offered a pretty ho-hum first impression. (His "I'm a hugger" line wasn't all that creative.)
Greg: But then he gave Emily a letter from his son about how awesome he is as a father. "Bachelorette" GOLD. We have a leader!
Worst First Impression: Tie between Jackson and David; Runner-up: Tony
Natasha: Jackson. I'm sorry, but someone who simply recites the quote, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take your breath away," upon meeting you for the first time deserves to get cut. No rose for you. Get out. Typically, I wouldn't be this harsh, but then the guy made it a point to take his shirt off for the cameras after he was eliminated to show off "the goods" that Emily missed. She dodged a bullet with this one.
Greg: David, the singer-songwriter from New York, made a bad overall impression during his in-depth video intro with his one-word song about Emily: "Emily, Emily... whoaaaa whoaaaaa Emileeee!" Deep, bro, deep. I've been booed off karaoke stages singing better songs... And then there was that dude who did something with a shoe.
Natasha: Tony, who presented her with a glass slipper and then awkardly made her take her shoe off.
Greg: For my middle school prom I asked my date (who was much taller than me) to take her high heels off before we danced. I thought I was being charming, but it turns out girls really don't like taking their shoes off. One dance. No kiss. Lesson learned.
Most Creative, Yet Totally Awkward, Gimmick: Randy
Natasha: There were two strong contenders here (we'll get to "egg guy" later) but "Grandma's Boy" wins the prize for showing up to "The Bachelorette" IN A TEARAWAY OLD LADY COSTUME. Emily told him that he'd "stick out" in her mind. Not sure that's the kind of image you want to stick in a woman's mind.
Greg: Yeah, the guy's confidence seemed to melt away once he ripped off his grandma gear. Well played, sir... well played.
Most Creative Job: Alejandro
Natasha: No contest. This guy is mushroom farmer.
Greg: Did he have a mullet? I wasn't sure...
Worst Hair: Jef
Natasha: Emily seemed really intrigued by entrepreneur Jef -- and his skateboard entrance -- despite his over-the-top, 50s wave hair. "Jef makes me feel like a nerd," she said, noting that he has a "cool vibe." I wasn't really seeing it.
Greg: Is this dude 13? He should be on "Glee." I like that he runs a non-profit, but I really dislike his hair. You know, he looks just like the kid in "Not Another Teen Movie." Like, it might be him.
Natasha: You also really didn't like Michael, the long hair guy. Speaking of random movie actor doppelgängers, he reminded me of the guy that Natalie Portman has a crush on at the end of "Mars Attacks." The second he popped out of the limo, and the camera panned to Emily's face, Greg goes, "Oh god, she's disappointed."
Greg: Look, Emily was visibly upset by Michael's long hair. Almost as upset as I was that the guy named Jean-Paul didn't have a French accent.
Best Line: Tony; Runner Up, Emily
Natasha: He had one of the night's most memorable quotes, from his video introduction: "What has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily? This guy."
Greg: I liked him until he said that. Unsubscribe.
Natasha: I know we're supposed to be talking about the guys, but we have to at least address Emily's confusing thoughts on engagement, which she expressed at the beginning of the episode: "I think getting engaged is something that's really special and something that should be saved for the person you're going to marry." Yes, Emily.
Greg: I really want to like her so I'm going to pretend that she didn't say that.
Most Likely to Engage in Fisticuffs: Kalon and Stevie
Natasha: I had no idea this word existed until just now. Greg had to explain that it means fighting with your hands.
Greg: Helicopter Guy (Kalon) and Party MC (Stevie) kept trying to out-pee each other over whether or not Helicopter Guy was being a jerk during the cocktail party. Let the battle of titans commence!
Natasha: A guy who rides into "The Bachelorette" on a helicopter isn't looking to make friends. And a guy who can't get along with other guys is like a girl who can't get along with other girls -- bad news. I'm pulling for Stevie on this one. Every time he comes on screen, I feel compelled to sing "Party rock is in the house toniiiiight."
Greg: Dear god.
Best Guy Emily Didn't Pick: Lerone
Natasha: You know, I really liked Lerone. He complimented Emily for being a single mom and seemed the most genuine and respectful.
Greg: I'm pretty sure Lerone is the first African American contestant I've seen on "The Bachelor/Bachelorette."
Natasha: Interesting of you to mention -- there's a lawsuit going on about that, actually.
Weirdest Guy That Emily Picked: Travis
Greg: Obviously, the dude who brought an ostrich egg and compared it to Emily's child...
Natasha: "This egg is a symbol of two beautiful people, you and Ricky." What does that even mean?
Greg: The sparks were flying! He then awkwardly kept the egg with him all night.
Natasha: And for some reason, Emily gave him a rose. I feel like he's going to be the equivalent of "The Mask" from Ashley's season.
Most Likely to Make it to the Final Three: Doug, Charlie/Ryan, Arie
Greg: Aside from single dad Doug, Charlie is my early front-runner. I like him, and not just because he survived a traumatic brain injury.
Natasha: He had a good approach by playing the "we're in this together" card right upfront when he met her. But I think I like Ryan, the fitness guy with the underappreciated signs, better. Also on my list is Arie, the race car driver (yes, OF COURSE, they have to have a race car driver on the show in order to play off of Emily's tragic past -- her race car driver fiance, and father of her then-unborn child, died in a plane crash -- which I think was mentioned at least 600 times.) After he "confessed" his profession to her she noted that, "he'd be hot in a race car," so I see him at least making it to the fantasy suite.
Greg: Wait, who's Arie?
Final Thoughts:
Greg: Cue the Champagne toast and the upcoming highlights of this season's journey to find love. I mean, get engaged and then break up!
Natasha: Ouch. But, honestly, will Emily really find love? "Bachelor" odds say, probably not. But, according to the promo for the season, there will be lots of making out, sailing, picnics and Dolly Parton. There will also be a guy who calls Emily's kid, Little Ricky, "baggage." (I'm guessing it was Helicopter Guy.) Lots to look forward to.
Natasha and Greg will be documenting all of "The Bachelorette" romance, drama and inevitable awkward moments, so check back every Tuesday for their recaps. Below, they've put together some of the best quotes from the first episode. Vote for the one that you think is the most ridiculous.