THE BLOG

Go Fund Me Too

04/06/2015 04:03 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

I just read the article about the owners of the Indiana pizzeria that refused to provide catering service to a same-sex wedding. If a pizza place seems like an odd company to cater a wedding, you're probably right. The owners, Crystal and Keven O'Connor, claimed they have never catered any wedding.

So why announced you would never cater to a gay wedding? Good question. I guess it was just one of those things they needed to get off their chests. For further clarification, they will also not deliver pizza to a gay pride parade in South America nor deliver pizza via skydiving from an airplane with a gay pilot.

And while they felt their comments regarding an event they would never participate in anyway just to make their personal opinion known to the world were justified, the comments they received in opposition to this disclosure has totally shocked them, forcing them to close down the restaurant that never catered to weddings anyway.

Do not fret for them, however, because just as the God-fearing public had George Zimmerman's back when the evil people dared to try to prosecute him for carrying out his Christian duty to rid the world of Skittle-eating demons by donating hundreds of thousands of dollar to his defense fund, so have the same kind of folks rallied to support the O'Connor's.

Yes, a Go Fund Me account has been set up for their benefit and has already raised over $775,000.00. Crystal said they would be reopening soon, but she wasn't sure when. My guess is after a shopping spree and lengthy paid vacation.

So I'm officially announcing to the world that I, Neal Wooten, blogger for the Huffington Post, also do not currently operate a pizza joint, and furthermore, at the risk of angering a lot of fair-minded decent people who stand up for equal rights, I also will not cater to gay weddings.

Please set up my Go Fund Me account as soon as possible.

In addition to not catering to gay weddings, I will also not cater to weddings of women who have been divorced, except for the cases of fornication or adultery, since Jesus, who never said one word about homosexuality, made it perfectly clear in the Sermon on the Mount that this leads to women, and any men who would be with them, to live a life of sin.

Sticking with the Sermon on the Mount, I will also not cater to people who are angry, who have committed adultery (which includes even looking at a person and fantasizing), anyone who has ever taken an oath, anyone who has been in a fight, anyone who does not love their enemies, those who do not give to the needy, and even those who worry.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but it's my pizzeria that I do not currently own and I can run it however I see fit, whenever it opens that is. If you do not agree with me using the Bible as a guide to not serve pizza from my yet nonexistent pizzeria to whomever I deem living a sinful life, and also refuse to cater to weddings from my currently fictional establishment to those I feel do not measure up to a righteous lifestyle in every sense of the word -- tough.

Also, since eating these dough baked goodies smothered in fattening sauce, cheese, and meats literally constitutes as gluttony, another sin mentioned in the Bible, I will not serve anyone who orders pizza from my pizza joint.

Wow, I can't wait to see how much money I receive for standing up for my beliefs. Heck, if the O'Connor's got over three quarters of a million for singling out one thing mentioned in the Old Testament, think how much I can get for discriminating against sinners that Jesus specifically mentioned in the New Testament.

And rest assured, I will use these funds to not only operate my make-believe enterprise in a God fearing manner, but I will adhere to the strict righteous guideline set forth here. The important thing is, your tax deductible donations are in good hands and will go directly to the business, as soon as I get back from vacation.