It occurred to me the other night while watching The Bachelorette that single moms are forced to make the kinds of smart dating decisions that single, childless women might want to emulate when it comes to their own love lives. Watching Emily Maynard, the petite, Barbie-dollesque star of ABC's hit show eliminate the kinds of guys who would probably have been kept around by women without kids has been refreshing and inspiring. While Maynard often appears a bit bland on camera, the gal's got conviction and strength. She doesn't allow herself to be wooed by the physically strongest, most dashing and more alluring men on the show. Maybe she learned her lesson from her failed relationship with the rakish Brad Womack.
Monday night, Emily eliminated Ryan, the preternaturally handsome pro sports trainer. He's the type of guy that most ladies drool over -- mysterious, confident, Alpha (albeit a little quirky). Despite their apparent chemistry -- which she correctly acknowledged is not the sole determining factor of a successful relationship -- she told Ryan she didn't trust herself around him; his demeanor made her feel insecure.
This was the type of guy I chased for years, the man who was masterful at stirring desire and continually keeping me on edge, leaving me with little time to ascertain if we were compatible, if I was even happy. Instead, Emily kept around and awarded a trophy to the guy who appeared to be the most mild-mannered and least athletic, the guy who came in last in the ridiculous Scottish gladiatorial competition. She also saved (during the rose ceremony) two of the more humble men in the bunch who hadn't yet had a chance to shine but who both seem down-to-earth and honorable. To the man whom she gave both a trophy and a rose, she said -- and I'm paraphrasing -- "You're one of the kindest, handsomest men I've ever met." Granted, he's a good-looking dude, so it's not like she'd be settling for a leper, but how many of us have turned away great-looking guys simply because they didn't have much edge to them, guys who were, well, just plain-old nice?
A single mom is compelled, because of the love she has for her kid(s), to make smarter decisions when it comes to matters of the heart. Single ladies without kids: Why not emulate this mindset and direct that love a mother has for her child inward? Ask yourself this: Why wouldn't the qualities that a single mom must consider in a mate be at the top of your list simply because you don't have a child? Couldn't we learn a thing or two from the way single mothers determine what's important?
So here's the deal, ladies: act like a single, think like a single mom. By this I mean go out there, date around, make mistakes and figure out who you are, but when it comes time to settle down, think like a single mom. Choose your mate based on qualities that a single mom would likely consider for the sake of her child, for these are the qualities that really sustain a relationship. Pretend you are a mom; pretend you have a kid to look after. Maybe that kid, metaphorically speaking, is you. When thinking about getting into a relationship with someone, ask yourself: "Would I want this person in my kid's life?" Is he kind, good-hearted, stable, compassionate, reliable and trustworthy? That notion alone should guide you well when wading through a sea of men.
Indeed, Emily knows she needs to be responsible with her heart and her head because of her daughter, Ricky. She knows she needs to choose men who would not only be a good match for her but who will also be a stabilizing presence in her daughter's life. This means she has to be selective about the qualities she wants in her suitors. More than just being selective, though, she's discriminating about the qualities that matter. These are the qualities that women should be guided by more often.
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Years ago, I managed a regional office which employed quite a few single mothers. These young women were from solid middle class or even upper middle class backgrounds. They ranged in age from 23 to say 30. They were white, college educated, attractive, and motivated young women.
I was pretty shocked by their selection in guys. One had a kid by a former Washington Redskin player who NEVER paid her one penny of child support. Another had a kid by a guy who a year earlier had gotten another young woman pregnant with her second set of twins!!! So, this guy already had four kids already by the time he got her pregnant. There was another one who got pregnant by a guy who did not even want a kid. He was a personal fitness trainer who had recently divorced. Then there was a very beautiful young woman who was a single mom thanks to a male stripper....
I often wondered just what the heck was going on with these women. Was it their youth?
I have remained in touch with several of them. None of the men are in their lives. Shocker. Right? What is so disconcerting is some of these young women really were in love with these guys. Again, these are college educated, attractive, and intelligent young women.
Your theory is flawed.
Thanks for your comment. Of course they do! But there is an additional kind of thinking that a single mom usually considers when choosing mates. More single women should think this way.
Neely
Still the same for most single women. It's business as usual.
Why do you suggest women conduct themselves in this manner ONLY when they are ready to settle down? This is really the crux of the problem. Many women go out and live it up with the wrong men. Then when they are ready to settle down, they seek out a decent guy.
Unfortunately, for the unlucky sap that is chosen, often there is nothing left in this woman. She has really given her best to he past lovers and boyfriends. Frankly, her best is gone.
While you offer some stellar advice to women (and God many do need it), you failed to carry the day. Women need to think like the single mom everyday and not just when they want to setlle down. This is best for her and the future committed partner/husband. Otherwise, it is simply business as usual.
Finally, it nice to see a woman admit that women do "drool" and throw themselves at these uber attractive and likable men, regardless if these men are bad boys or not. Sad, but true.
Thank you for being honest about it. It is really tough for so many women to do this it seems.
Bingo. And they wonder why they're miserable. Hell by the time I'm done with a chick she hates men.
Having a little one as a witness to your life really simplifies things in the relationship world. It even made it easy for me to make a the very difficult decision to leave my first marriage. Even though many people might stay longer in a bad relationship because of their children, for me, it was not even a question what I needed to do.
I would always ask myself, "Is this how I want my daughter to grow up, seeing this type of relationship as her model? Would I want this for her?"
Great article.
Neely
Neely
SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) for most women.
If he is good looking, tall, dark and handsome this alone is going to create a connection for most women. The only exception is if he has some very extremely negative behaviors (violent, abusive, criminal etc). Otherwise, most women are going all in for him.