THE BLOG
05/14/2013 11:56 am ET Updated Jul 14, 2013

'Women Don't Like Nice Guys' Is a Crock

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I'm getting tired of hearing the line that women don't like nice guys, that it's the jerks to whom they are really attracted. Because here's a little secret, gentleman: women LOVE nice guys. That's right. We want to end up with partners or husbands who are nice to us. Yep, when we close our eyes at night and imagine our life partner, we see a man who is loving, treats us well, and is nice to others. In every episode of Say Yes to the Dress, when the brides-to-be are asked why they love their husbands-to-be, their answers inevitably go something like this: "He has the best heart"; "He's so kind and caring"; "He is my rock." Never once have I heard a woman on that show mention that her fiancée was a jerk or manipulative when they first met and that's why she fell in love with him (and, let me tell you, I've watched a lot of episodes.)

But let's talk about the word "nice" because it often gets conflated with being weak, desperate, and a pushover. Yes, women want to be with nice guys, but they don't want to be with men who don't have their own opinions or don't stand up for themselves or do everything a woman wants them to do at all times. Women do, however, want to be with men who are thoughtful and kind and generous. Indeed, many women are pining for that sort of treatment in today's day and age. This doesn't mean that a man shouldn't allow for a little mystery in the early stages of dating, by, say, not calling or being in touch constantly. But it does mean being thoughtful, listening well, and the like, when you do spend time together. And when you're nice in those ways to a woman, on top of feeling comfortable in your own skin, taking the lead when the situation calls for it, and having your own passions and goals in life, you're not going to have much trouble finding someone who appreciates and respects you.

Are there plenty of women who go for jerks? Of course. We've all been there. I chased my fair share back in my 20s. But the truth is oftentimes women who fall for or pursue rakish-type men are not coming from a place of feeling whole and grounded within. So when a man looks at his guy friends who don't treat women well yet do surprisingly well with them, I'd want to know more about those women and how they feel about themselves. When a woman doesn't love herself and feel complete from within, she'll tend to seek out men who will project that notion back onto her -- that she's not good enough or pretty enough or worthy of love and kindness. If a woman truly loved and respected herself, why would she put up with a man who isn't nice to her? And to the men out there: If you're looking for a healthy, connected relationship, why would you want to be with a woman who doesn't demand that men treat her well?

Ultimately, I think the word nice is an easy crutch for men to fall back on, just as "men are intimidated by me" is a crutch for women who don't want to examine their thoughts and their behaviors with men. When you use things as crutches in your life and put the blame on others, you absolve yourself from having to do any sort of personal development work. You make excuses in your life for why something isn't working out instead of looking for solutions.

Personal development doesn't mean having to become an asshole with women or start "negging" or manipulating them to get them to notice you. It does mean, however, spending some time working on yourself and becoming a more evolved person, a person who is interesting and fun to be around. Maybe that means you buy some self-help books on learning how to flirt or spend time practicing your interpersonal skills, your conversation skills, and the like. Maybe you work with a coach to develop better communication skills with the opposite sex. David Wygant has spent a lifetime teaching men how to do just that. If you've ever watched his videos showing men how to approach and talk to women with confidence, you'll see that his message is about making things happen for yourself through personal development and practice -- practicing being more playful, friendly, or inquisitive with women. It has nothing to do with being a jerk.

In my experiences and my observations of the women around me, chasing the jerks was very much a twentysomething pursuit. Eventually, we tire of the rakes, and as we become whole, grounded women who are comfortable in our own skin, as we begin to see our worth and value, we're no longer interested in men who make us feel less than awesome about ourselves or like we have to prove our worth. In the end, we want someone who allows us to be the best version of ourselves and who adores and appreciates us.

We want a nice guy.

What do you think? Would love for you to add your comments to the discussion below!

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