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Andy Borowitz

CIA: Increase in Indecipherable Chatter Turns Out to Be Palin

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to the spokesperson, the CIA first noted a dramatic increase in the unintelligible utterances around the time of the launch of Gov. Palin's book, Going Rogue.

People With No Lives Protest New Facebook Homepage

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Facebook's attempt to "simplify" its homepage may have complicated matters for the company, as millions of people with no lives are crying foul over the changes.

Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook, Could Be Game-Changer

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it's called PhoneBook.

Fox News Gives Palin's Hand Job

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We were very impressed with the job her hand did at the Tea Party Convention," Fox News chief Roger Ailes said. "And we said to ourselves, let's give Sarah Palin's hand a job."

Tiger Cured of Sex Addiction by Watching John Edwards Tape

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In what has been described as a miracle cure in the annals of sex addiction, Tiger Woods has reportedly been cured of his sex addiction by repeated viewings of the John Edwards sex tape.

Toyota Unveils New Slogan: "Drive a Toyota. You'll Never Stop."

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Hoping to reverse a series of public relations setbacks, Toyota today unveiled a new slogan, "Drive a Toyota. You'll Never Stop."

J.D. Salinger's Letters to Me

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Over the last thirty years of his life, Salinger -- or Jerry, as his closest intimates called him -- exchanged hundreds of letters with me, a correspondence which both of us found profoundly nourishing to our souls.

Ahmadinejad Trying to Acquire 2008 Toyota Camry, Experts Fear

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The Security Council's latest concern was prompted by intelligence reports that Mr. Ahmadinejad himself had been quietly shopping for Toyota parts in recent weeks on the popular online site Craigslist.

Toyota Says Cup Holders Still Working Great

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence," said Tokyo spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. "Our cup holders are world-class."

Chris Matthews Sees Avatar; Forgets Characters Are Blue

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Chris Matthews revealed that he had seen the Oscar-nominated film Avatar and for an hour had forgotten that the alien characters, the Na'vi, were blue.

Huge Deficits May Hamper America's Ability to Wage Pointless Wars, Pentagon Fears

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The Pentagon is especially worried that, given the new budget constraints, the United States may no longer be able to engage in "open-ended quagmires with no end in sight."

After Meeting With Obama, Republicans Adjust to Newly-torn Assholes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Congressional Republicans emerged from their unprecedented session with President Barack Obama today feeling positi...

Apple Launches Text-sharing Device, the CoTex

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"There are a lot of texting devices out there that can absorb data," said Apple founder Steve Jobs. "But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex."

Chris Matthews: I Forgot Rod Blagojevich Was Black

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I don't know, maybe it's this whole post-racial thing this country is going through, but when I see Rod Blagojevich on TV I have to basically remind myself that, hey, here's a black guy," he said. "I mean, it's so weird."

Instant Poll: 90% of Republicans Who Did Not See Obama's Speech Disagree With It

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to an instant poll conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, 90 percent of Republicans who did not see the President's speech strongly disagreed with it.

BREAKING: State of the Union Address Leaked

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In his first State of the Union Address Wednesday night, President Barack Obama will attempt to reach out to middle class voters by stating his opposition to pants on the ground.

Tiger Records PSA: 'Don't Text While Married'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I'm Tiger Woods," the golf legend says in the spot, which is to be aired on all the major broadcast and cable networks. "Texting while married is not only stupid, it's dangerous - you can wind up totaling your car."

Poll: Reaction to John Edwards Sex Tape Is Overwhelmingly "Ewww"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

57% of respondents strongly agreed with the statement, "I can't answer your question because I need to go somewhere and vomit right now."

Bin Laden Claims Responsibility for Balloon Boy Hoax

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In the somewhat rambling tape, Mr. bin Laden spends 45 minutes claiming responsibility for many things, including the massive Tylenol recall, John Edwards' illegitimate baby, and the Detroit Lions' NFL season.

In Bid to Woo GOP, Health Bill to Include Tax Cuts for Gun Stores

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Hoping to convince Republicans to vote for the health care reform bill, congressional Democrats are adding provisions to the bill that could be attractive to the GOP, such as tax cuts for gun stores.

Rep. Joe Wilson 'Totally Stoked' for Obama's State of the Union Address

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

While Rep. Wilson was cagey about how he was preparing for the speech, he said, "My constituents expect a certain kind of performance from me and I don't want to disappoint them."

Scott Brown: My Daughters Are Available, Health Care Isn't

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The Massachusetts senator said he would work around the clock "to make sure that Ayla, Arianna and health care all become unavailable forever."

Obama Rips Bankers Not Already in Cabinet

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Speaking from the White House, Mr. Obama said, "I want to send a strong warning to this country's bankers," before turning to his economic team and saying, "I don't mean you guys."

Poll: Americans With Pants on Ground Offended By Hit Song

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The song "Pants on the Ground" has become a huge hit since being performed on "American Idol," but a new poll suggests it has not found favor with one key group of Americans: people who wear their pants on the ground.

Satan Discloses Ten-Year Deal With Jeff Zucker

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Having now parted ways, the Prince of Darkness is amazed that his former protégé, Jeff Zucker, continues to hold onto his job at the helm of NBC.