"We've done an inventory of the left-over painkillers at Neverland Ranch," Mr. Obama said. "There's enough junk there to tranquilize the entire nation until the year 2050."
Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."
The seller, Satan, said that he had bought Mr. Madoff's soul forty years ago and was "disappointed" that it had turned out to be worthless.
Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.
"I crossed lines with women," Governor Sanford said. "And when I say lines, I mean tan lines."
Madoff got 150 years? Why? Does that serve the greater good? Does that really contribute to solving the problems that stemmed from his misdeeds?
Judge Denny Chin imposed the maximum sentence of 150 years on Bernard L. Madoff, the mastermind of the greatest financial fraud in history, but it is not enough.
Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson vowing to help Mr. Madoff "search for the real swindlers."
I've spent surprisingly little time since December 11, 2008, thinking about the man who caused my husband, me, and so many others such pain.
How many more years in prison did Bernie Madoff get for being Jewish? We might as well get the question out there. It's surfaced since the Madoff arr...
It's strange to think that the last time we were cruising toward a long Independence Day weekend we still had George W. Bush to kick around.
The streets are littered with evil predators searching for their next victims. It's best we know that and not fall into a false sense of security because, "Phew! Bernie's in jail!"
Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."
Bernie Madoff got 150 years in prison, though he told investors it was 175 years... and they each told two investors it was 190 years... and so on and so on and so on...
Madoff is more than just a sociopath. Too much of this story doesn't hang together and he was too functional in other aspects of his existence.