It turned out that my Spanish-speaking self was more seemingly diffident. In Spanish, I did not have the ability to pluck the perfect word out of the great web of semantics, and, therefore, I seemed less assertive when I spoke. In English, on the other hand, I was a feminist, a woman who knew exactly what she wanted, and knew how to communicate that with precision. It was depressing that men who knew this side of me didn't seem to like it.
Drink another cup of coffee, yes more coffee that will fix everything. That's what I kept telling my tired body, and while I drank A LOT of coffee , it seemed like my weariness was deeper than what the caffeine could reach, and so I had to push back the voice that just kept saying, why not try a stronger cup of coffee, why not drink the one labeled dark magic, and instead listen to the one saying, stop.