I'm mostly writing this piece because it's honest. Life isn't always fair, and things don't always unfold the way you think they will. So often we see the "highlight reel" of our friends' lives online; it's rare we talk about the tough stuff. I want to be someone who shares the whole journey, not just the good parts.
We had just been informed that my wife's pregnancy had come to an end, in the form of a miscarriage, an hour or so before. One fact had escaped us when we received this news -- that my wife would have to go about her life over the next few days with our miscarried child still inside her, because our doctor only performed the D&Cs on Wednesday afternoons.
I've always wondered how our family portrait would ever be complete. How do I honor my three without my three here on earth? And then some photos from a few photographers starting showing up on my social media, a result of how much coverage Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month is getting this year.
Few situations highlight our inability to fix and make better more starkly than the loss of a baby. Medical professionals treating a family affected by miscarriage or stillbirth are faced not only with the inability to fix or heal the baby who has died, but also uncertainty about how to respond to the grieving parents.
I know that my self-esteem decline interferes with me and my husband's intimacy. I know I don't feel attractive and that's why I'm not attracted. So I will continue to pray that I rediscover myself, that I rediscover my femininity, and that I gain the motivation to make myself feel and look beautiful again.
Sweet friend. have to tell you. You're doing an incredible job. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know you feel like you can barely function and I know you think that you are failing at life, but listen. You're still standing. You're still breathing, and from someone who knows the pain, I know how hard even that is to do some days.