Six years ago unbeknownst, hell unplanned by me I'd just gotten knocked up with T. Of all the thousands of lessons I've learned from parenting in the last six years, perhaps the weirdest has been sometimes it is a relief to find out that another kid puked a little in your kid's hair.
These are the milestones no one talks about, but everyone would certainly notice if your child never reached one, or all, of these before leaving for college!
What if your CAPS LOCK button quits? That would give you a tick and a stutter. And if I were to take away your exclamation point -- how might you unleash your venom?
Believe us when we tell you that there are many other parents out there with kids waaaay more f'ed up than yours. Want proof? Here are 17 anonymous submissions from parents who gladly wrote down "The Most F-Ed Up Thing My Kid Has Done."
Naps would be banned and only free-sleep (the act of naturally falling asleep, such as comfortably in a car seat or face down in a cereal bowl) would be permissible, though still frowned upon.
I used to get so annoyed when outdoor toys found their way indoors: sand buckets and pool noodles, hula hoops and soccer balls, the tricycle, the scooter. Now, I just take three deep breaths and look away.
I was tired of being ordered to change diapers, and figured that if the kid could ask for a diaper change, he could figure out how to use the potty.
Potty training. Two words that strike fear into the heart of every parent. When my daughter was approaching 3 and still not even remotely interested in toilets or potties, we decided it was time to start.
Day 85 million: The entire house reeks of urine. I believe I will have to send this child to college wearing pull-ups. His thighs should be big enough by then.
At "press time," Gemma is almost 5 years old. I'm writing you this letter because, while I love my daughter with all my heart, and I'm trying really hard to be a great mom, I'm pretty sure I'm doing most things wrong.
You can't always poop where you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you poop where you need.
I knew that potty training would be difficult but I hadn't expected it to really test me as a parent. My patience was pushed to the edge and after a few meltdowns on both sides, I realized that while Oliver was learning how to use the potty, I was learning things too.
Know what I think? This thing is freaking great. It's a masterpiece. Potty training is hard, with a bowel program or without, and whatever keeps your kid socially continent and potty-trained before they go to kindergarten, I'm all for.
Call me old fashioned. Toilet training is a rite of passage. It is something children need to master before entering school. Toilet training is not an epic drama, a game of thrones for the preschool set, if you will.
Kids aren't buying iPad potty chairs; adults are. This decades-long love-affair with electronic baby-sitters has reached new heights.
I think of myself, how my own spunkiness has been tamed, lessened with politeness and from experience, and I am so glad that the spiritedness has come full circle.