I submit the following concept based on a real-life story. Kathy Bates stars as Kim Davis, a devoutly Christian Kentucky county clerk. Davis appears normal but she is secretly infected with a brain-eating disease which steals her logic and forces her to suck the dignity out of homosexuals.
So it is that I feel reasonably secure in re-stating my firm, unshakable position on this issue. If America actually elects Donald Trump as president, I am going to stay here. While loudly and continually telling everybody that I plan on leaving.
Given that we already have a New York, a New Jersey, and a New Mexico, Nevada will be changed to "New Wealth," reflecting the contribution Las Vegas has made to the state's otherwise pitiful tax base.
In an effort to rebuild his career after recent crushing blows, The Fat Jew, AKA Josh Ostrovsky, will join the latest cast of Dancing With The Stars.
Scott Walker has boldly gone where no GOP candidate has gone before. He wants to wall us off from the true international menace we've been ignoring for years: Canada.
Everything indicated that the American divorce rate would drop after the invention of Folgers Crystals. Research indicates, however, that in the early 1960s, when these commercials were introduced, divorce was at its lowest rate of the decade. Over the next ten years, the divorce rate doubled. Maybe the right coffee would have cooled down Donald Trump.
Chinese-style "manipulation" is clearly a disaster. While it has generated 35 years of stunning economic growth, it has also forced rich people around the world to endure a week-long, anxiety-provoking drop in stock prices!
Something strange is happening at America's colleges and universities. A movement is arising, undirected and driven largely by students, to scrub dining halls clear of any foods and beverages which might cause physical discomfort or illness.
With so many interviews, press conferences, tweets, Instagrams and Facebooks, it's hard to keep track of where presidential candidate Donald Trump stands on the issues. And even if you could keep track, a lot of what he says doesn't quite make sense.
So I guess it's time for me to send a few questions and suggestions Bezos' way. Maybe it will improve his reputation and force the New York Times to eat its words. I'll send them from my Gmail account proving my intentions to be friends with Bezos.
Are you getting bored with all the articles telling you to look and feel your best, you need at least eight hours of sleep a day? If you're like me, you feel you look better with dark circles and puffy bags under your eyes teamed with a sallow complexion.
Democratic insiders immediately hailed Stevenson's credentials and his charmingly well-worn shoes, while scholars and historians noted the Constitution says nothing about living people who were once previously dead being ineligible to serve as president.
I would like to say that I feel bad for them, but I don't. I do feel sad for the wives and families that will be affected by the douchery of a few idiotic men who couldn't figure out that they should at least CHANGE THEIR NAMES before going out and soliciting an affair.
In a statement issued earlier this week, the President said, "Look, people, when you binge, all the episodes blend together anyway. Let's be more sensible in the way we take in product with anti-piracy messages."
And does it really matter in the end? History -- particularly autobiography, where a lot of history comes from -- is often described by scholars as nothing more than distorted facts that are filtered through frail human memory to give meaning to the past. So maybe there is no "truth."
According to people closest to Donald Trump, a diary of his, written when he was six-years old, was recently discovered. In it, the youthful Trump imagined what he would do if he were President of the United States and could build a wall like the Great Wall of China on his own.