Gov. Rick Perry was indicted today on a felony count -- not for abuse of his power as governor -- but for wearing hipster glasses designed to make him look smarter and more sophisticated than he really is.
A chef is someone who shouts at people. An executive chef is someone who shouts at other chefs. A TV chef is someone who never has to work in a restaurant again if they just keep smiling.
Unlike those big corporations, Mary's doesn't hate! Mary's simply wants to reward its favorite customers with a 15% discount. What could be wrong with that?
After repeated attempts for further explanation, Jones finally fessed up to what the grainy photos really represent.
Nicholas Spitzer, professor or neuroscience at the University of California and editor-in-chief of brainfacts.org, has a message for all of you out there who are listening to classical music and doing crossword puzzles as a way of improving your brain functioning: Stop it right now.
"Won't someone please think of the children?" We'd like to think somebody is thinking about the children, but for the right reasons.
As the Chicago skyline shone directly to my west, thousands of teens and 20-somethings wearing plastic wristbands streamed past me. Some waved open purses and backpacks in my direction, assuming I was there to inspect both. When I did neither, their pace quickened.
I see all the stepmothers running to spas and hotels for seven days a month. Then, over time, all of the stepmothers' periods would start to coordinate to the same week each month (The McClintock Effect). Now, the world would be without any stepmothers for one week every month.
Gentlemen, it time to rebrand. Start with the name. Change it from "The Middle East," to "The Middle Way." In focus group research, the former suggests violence, hostility and chaos while the later evokes tolerance, compromise and stability.
The hostilities between Eric and Tom continued unabated into the early-morning hours yesterday, marking their longest email chain in years.
Fear not! Governor Quit is never far from spewing new ideas. And we have proof. We were fortunate enough to get a sneak peek at the Palin Channel's development slate.
I encourage you to PRESERVE THE PLAYDATE -- the safe, organized, adult-led, pre-scheduled, mutually agreed upon time where children can have safe and organized fun for a specific pre-scheduled period of time in a safe and mutually agreed upon location. The future of our nation depends on it.
As an OG of Facebook, I feel inclined to offer advice. There are rules to this shit, as Biggie once said. Thus, I've written a 'Liking Manual,' a step-by-step booklet to clean up the Feeds, and help tweetsters get their digital game on track.
My kids' current favorite show is Shark Tank, where budding entrepreneurs pitch ideas to a team of corporate tycoons who double as potential investors. While listening to concepts for, among other things, collapsible kayaks and colored fur spray for dogs, my daughters vigorously interrogate the television.
Do you think I'm somehow unaware of the fact my skin is on fire, my bra straps feel like they're made of barbed wire, and in a few days I'm going to be molting?
To my mind, Jimmy Cannon was the greatest sports writer who ever lived. I read his columns in the New York Post avidly and religiously. When he wasn't writing about sports, he was musing, offering his personal, mostly one- or two-liner opinions, about anything that hit his off-the-charts observant eye. Most had little to do with sports.